Welcome Pale Shelter: Congratulations on your pregnancy! It can be a time of high emotions. I'm sorry that your mom is not there for you and is not equipped to offer understanding and support.
I am here to manage my anger, sadness, trauma, etc. after growing up with a father with NPD who took his own life and a mother with BPD who is a constant source of turmoil and no other family still in my life as everyone has splintered off or been lost to addiction, mental illness, disease, etc.
I'm sorry for the loss of your father and your situation with your BPD mom. Is there anyone else you can turn to for comfort, understanding and validation - perhaps a friend? Have you thought about some therapy?
The Survivor's Guide might be helpful to work through. Losing a parent to death is a grieving process that everyone goes through. People with a disordered parent (s) can have a little different grieving process. Even though a parent is still alive, it can be a grieving process to deal with a disordered relationship, like with your mom.
Do you feel that you still need to process grief in regard to your father's death, or it is mainly the grief over the disordered relationship you have with your mom?
My husband comes from a background where, despite no one really having any mental health issues or addiction issues, they are very judgmental of those who do and I receive extremely little compassion or comfort from him. We have only been married a short while and I'm pretty sure he's almost completely devoid of feeling. Outwardly, he appears like a decent person, but I am alone and finding it devastating.
Do you have any thoughts regarding why your husband and his family of origin (FOO) are judgmental about people with mental illness? Do you think they believe it is a sign of weakness?
What are some examples of situations where you husband won't offer compassion and comfort? Sometimes, if you use certain communication skills, it can bring a better result. The link below leads to a video on "I" Statements. You might want to watch/listen to it. It is a skill that could be helpful for you to use to express your feelings about hurtful or unacceptable situations.
"I" STATEMENTS
I have a child (from first marriage) and am expecting another and am feeling vulnerable and afraid
Can you share some specifics about your feelings of being vulnerable and afraid? Is it the upcoming birth process, the responsibility of another child or the feeling that it seems like you are going through your pregnancy alone (because those close to you aren't capable of support and compassion)?
Is it possible to join a support group for pregnant women? Perhaps you doctor's office might have some suggestions. It might help to have other pregnant women to interact with.
There are a lot of good lessons on communication skills here. They are helpful in general to develop our emotional intelligence. They can help us with our communications with normal people and those with personality disorders. A good place to start learning is to go to the wide green band at the very top of this page. You will find a menu there for "Tools". Check out the links. The lessons there can be helpful for interacting with your mom, your husband and your in-laws.