Intro: In the middle of things

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello All,

Not sure where to start, but will start with some history.  Please excuse my rambling, and timeline jumping.

Married over five years w/children.

Spouse has had many diagnoses.  She has been diagnosed with BPD in the past, and certainly has PMDD (taking BC for that).
She is currently in treatment centre (months), and she was diagnosed with MDD+GAD+Social Phobia.
She is cognizant enough to know that is not the correct diagnosis, and believes she is BPD.
She tells me about treatment, and she mentioned group therapy CBT and mindfullness, calming techniques, etc.  Sounds like DBT, just without the label.

Up until recently, she was on med regimen#1, along with the BC.  Major depression, but no rages when on that regimen/BC combo.
Now prescribed med regimen#2:  Venlafaxine+BC+PRN for Benzo.
I thought things were going well, but some recent family news threw her into a mini-rage over the phone.  The news was nothing to do with me, or our immediate family.  She later apologized.  The thing is, my well is dry.  I accepted the apology, but I am going numb.  After the mini-rage on the phone, it just over-turned my world.

During these rages, she always wants to sell the house.  We have moved to several houses during the marriage.  Moving costs+real estate fees+taxes, always come to around $25,000 + the stress of moving.  My financial stability is really at the edge now.  Someone involved in local BPD spouse support group, said never give in to this.  I always try to use validation, SET, and not JADE, but I am so worn down.  Just to be clear, she is the one that wanted the current home.

Another frightful possibility in my area is that social services are very intrusive.  The treatment centre said, even if there is NO abuse, but if they think a diagnosis could be abusive in the future (?) they would have social services do an investigation.  We went through one of these investigations many years ago, over complete and utter false allegations (I cannot emphasis this enough), and it still plagues my mind.  I am terrified of them, because I know from reading their policies, that just a diagnosis of PD is grounds for child removal, they only have to have an assumption (I am not in the USA).  They can remove your children if you do not divorce someone with PD.  This area is zero tolerance, so if I bring up divorce, she will threaten to call the cops (like she did one time), and charge me with something, and probably get the children.  I just feel so trapped, between social services apprehending based on assumption, or divorce based on accusations from her.  Zero tolerance, means men lose everything here.  I have no money for a lawyer.  Divorce would surely flip her to the dark side in full force.

My fears were verified in a recent news article, where a woman went to hospital because her meds prescribed on a Friday put her in psychosis, and sure enough, the admitting nurse notified social services, over an ordeal that was over in literally 72 hours.  I guess the lesson her is never start a new med regimen on a Friday evening when your prescribing doctor is off-call.

The idea of selling the house really effects me, how do I counter that?
I am sure the children have overheard her rages, though it is always targeted at me.
Due to the "zero tolerance" in my area, if I set a boundary that I leave if she rages, she can charge me if I take the children with me.  Surely I cannot leave them with her if she ever goes into that state again?

I am obviously troubled about her returning home.

[deemusic]

Hello All,

Not sure where to start, but will start with some history.  Please excuse my rambling, and timeline jumping.

Married over five years w/children.

Spouse has had many diagnoses.  She has been diagnosed with BPD in the past, and certainly has PMDD (taking BC for that).
She is currently in treatment centre (months), and she was diagnosed with MDD+GAD+Social Phobia.
She is cognizant enough to know that is not the correct diagnosis, and believes she is BPD.
She tells me about treatment, and she mentioned group therapy CBT and mindfullness, calming techniques, etc.  Sounds like DBT, just without the label.

Up until recently, she was on med regimen#1, along with the BC.  Major depression, but no rages when on that regimen/BC combo.
Now prescribed med regimen#2:  Venlafaxine+BC+PRN for Benzo.
I thought things were going well, but some recent family news threw her into a mini-rage over the phone.  The news was nothing to do with me, or our immediate family.  She later apologized.  The thing is, my well is dry.  I accepted the apology, but I am going numb.  After the mini-rage on the phone, it just over-turned my world.

During these rages, she always wants to sell the house.  We have moved to several houses during the marriage.  Moving costs+real estate fees+taxes, always come to around $25,000 + the stress of moving.  My financial stability is really at the edge now.  Someone involved in local BPD spouse support group, said never give in to this.  I always try to use validation, SET, and not JADE, but I am so worn down.  Just to be clear, she is the one that wanted the current home.

Another frightful possibility in my area is that social services are very intrusive.  The treatment centre said, even if there is NO abuse, but if they think a diagnosis could be abusive in the future (?) they would have social services do an investigation.  We went through one of these investigations many years ago, over complete and utter false allegations (I cannot emphasis this enough), and it still plagues my mind.  I am terrified of them, because I know from reading their policies, that just a diagnosis of PD is grounds for child removal, they only have to have an assumption (I am not in the USA).  They can remove your children if you do not divorce someone with PD.  This area is zero tolerance, so if I bring up divorce, she will threaten to call the cops (like she did one time), and charge me with something, and probably get the children.  I just feel so trapped, between social services apprehending based on assumption, or divorce based on accusations from her.  Zero tolerance, means men lose everything here.  I have no money for a lawyer.  Divorce would surely flip her to the dark side in full force.

My fears were verified in a recent news article, where a woman went to hospital because her meds prescribed on a Friday put her in psychosis, and sure enough, the admitting nurse notified social services, over an ordeal that was over in literally 72 hours.  I guess the lesson her is never start a new med regimen on a Friday evening when your prescribing doctor is off-call.

The idea of selling the house really effects me, how do I counter that?
I am sure the children have overheard her rages, though it is always targeted at me.
Due to the "zero tolerance" in my area, if I set a boundary that I leave if she rages, she can charge me if I take the children with me.  Surely I cannot leave them with her if she ever goes into that state again?

I am obviously troubled about her returning home.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joeramabeme]

Hi deemusic

Welcome to BPD Family,   

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  It sounds like you are aware of your wife's diagnosis but are trying to minimize potential adverse consequences of addressing the same.  Glad to hear that you have been using JADE and SET.

While I do not have any direct advice; here are a couple of things to think through.  First, are you using state run services?  Just sounds like this is the flavor of it.  Have you considered a private therapist to help work through some of these issues.  Another thought, I did not get a sense if your wife is aware of how the children are impacted and if she has the ability to enpathize with them.  You may be better served in finding some common ground and goals that you can both agree upon.

As you likely know now from reading, BPD is an emotional attachment disorder, the closer we get the more the pwBPD can be triggered.  If you can find a mutual middle ground, like your children's welfare, that doesn't feel so threatening to her, perhaps there is a way to come to a mutual agreement on how best to proceed.

I agree with your assessment, that taking the children and leaving is going to be a big step with potential unwanted consequences.  Not necessarily that you will have them taken from you but that she will be more triggered.

Thoughts and comments to the above?

JRB

[Fian]

What country do you live in?  If you fear that social services will take your children away, I think there are 2 things that you should consider:

1.  Talk to a lawyer about what steps you can do to protect yourself from that happening.
2.  Write your government representatives about your fear that you don't have adequate protection from the government taking your children away.
3.  Consider relocating to another country.

[deemusic]

@JRB Mostly the services we have used are through private, and not state. In my country there is a mandated reporting law, which is why private hire professionals fear losing their license, and thus go way overboard sometimes.

You raised a very good point, find common ground via the children. I know for sure, the children would be devastated to move yet again, and change schools yet again.

[deemusic]

[snip]
1.  Talk to a lawyer about what steps you can do to protect yourself from that happening.
2.  Write your government representatives about your fear that you don't have adequate protection from the government taking your children away.
3.  Consider relocating to another country.

@Fian,
I wish not to reveal my country, but it is one within the British Commonwealth.

#3 is rather out, no avenues to do so
#2 is prudent, I will take it under advisement
#1 is also prudent, though "family court" here has a very low threshold, and lawyers are also mandated reporters. It is such a pickle to be in.

Earlier on, I figured I would hold o till the youngest was 12, but I am unsure I can do so now.

OTOH, deep down I am hoping this therapy will work. Maybe it will, and she will be 99% better, but if during the 1% she ever truly rages again, I am not sure I will be able to take it.