how do I stop the resentment?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've known my mother had BPD since 2012 when I went to see a campus psychologist when I started university. After a few session describing my relationship with my mother and the ones she has with other, the counselor said it sounded as if my mother had BPD and suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshell.

In the book it says it's pointless to tell a BPD that they have BPD. It made a lot of sense, and I was able for a while whenever my mom said something hurtful, I kept repeating to myself one of the line in the book "that it's worse being in their skin"... .

But I became tired after a while, I kept taking it all inside while she just imposed her moods on everyone. The fights she has with my dad became worse and worse, accused him of being a "snake" and insinuating that he was manipulating me.

I am 30 now, I've graduated in 2016 with a BFA in Visual art and have a really hard time finding a job that would help me gain my financial independence (Because that's her favorite string to pull on me and anyone in the family). My parents are separated but not divorced, and I still live with my dad for financial reasons. That means I can still see my dad having arguments with her on the phone, even when he goes away to his bedroom.

Recently I've had to have a root canal and a crown, my dad help me pay for it and I feel awful about it. But he said he had a very good bonus this year so that it wasn't too bad... .My mom realized how much money had been spent on my tooth and now she's all on me and said "why haven't you paid it with your credit card or just taken out" and I didn't want to answer because once you start answering her in never stops (but the answer is because my cc is nearly toped).
But After so many insinuation that I'm 30, I should be able to pay for myself and all that, completely forgetting that I have been diagnosed with ADD with impaired Executive Functioning TWICE, meaning I basically have the professional maturity of a 25 year old. I didn't ask to be born like this!

I just blew, I blew up, I just blew up. I've shouted at her on the phone like she used to do when I was a child, Like insane, straight out of the asylum yelling. And just told her all sorts of stuff that I don't want to say to a parent. I called her a vampire who sucks everybody's energy (irony is, it used to be her telling me I sucked all her energy when I was a child just trying to tell her about my day), I called her a manipulative ___, a spider who feeds on her own children and husband. Then I hurled the phone and broke it, grabbed my keys and just drove for an hour shouting and crying in my car to god, to life to my ancestors "Give me my life, I want my life, I want that karma with her to be over, She's a burden, and if I was a ___ like that to my children in a past life, I'm so so sorry, I'll never have children so they never go through such pain. I'll never manipulate others with money, or with guilt, I just want my life, to be financially independent so I can buy it back from her and never have to hear her again".
I parked in the hotel lot where I work thinking I'd be sleeping there but I kept crying and whaling and realized no one was listening and then got even madder and drove back home. My dad tried to stop me from calling her again and shout some more but I was fed up I just dialled her number and shouted more asking how much money she wanted for my life and called her insane (even though I know I was acting insane), told her she was Borderline and that she needed to get help, and told her that if I wasn't able to find proper work it was her fault because she just raised us (me and my older sister) to doubt ourselves, nearly destroyed our self-confidence and self-esteem and our sense of self.

I know it sounds like am just a crybaby blaming her parents, but I don't want to. In the end I know why she is messed up, I know her past (she can't stop talking about it). But she used me as her  psychologist since I was 12 years old, she literally said to me "here, my name, you observe you're dad and I and you write down what's wrong with us" as in "be our mariage counselor".

She forced me to wash already cleaned white doors whenever she had new guests, always telling me I had put either too much or too little clorox. When I asked to learn ballet as a child she said I was too old and that ballerina had crooked legs, figure skating was too expensive, horseback riding was too far... .But I should learn snowboarding because that's what all the other kids did, even though I'm  terrified of heights and never shown any interests in snowboarding... .she bought me the whole equipment and lessons for thousands of dollars. And the Activity I did wanted to continue, like tennis, she didn't encourage 'cause I didn't show enough interest in snowboarding.

It's so unfair, I take care of my ADD condition with medication, and reading. And she just does nothing. She's just looking for a fight at every turn, if not with me, with dad, or my sister... .or anyone who has been in her vicinity for a while. And she's as I am writing this making herself sick by not taking her medication for her thyroid. And I shouted at her that I knew why she was doing it, to turn herself into a victim again, she wants us the family to be her nurses.

I'm so so tired to have these thoughts, and rehashing the past, like she did her whole life. I want to be cleansed, I want her negative voice inside my head to just go away, she is so mean. I want my life to be mine. I want peace, I want harmony, I want serenity, I want to create, I want to laugh, I want to work and make a living that I can be proud of, but just the sound of her voice makes me feel damaged.

How do I recoup from such a blow? I still want to vomit words to her, and dad says it's just adding fuel to the fire, and I know he's right but I feel as if I've been forced to swallow fuel coming from her my whole life, and now I can't take it anymore, I have to explode.

[Bones like Stones]

I've known my mother had BPD since 2012 when I went to see a campus psychologist when I started university. After a few session describing my relationship with my mother and the ones she has with other, the counselor said it sounded as if my mother had BPD and suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshell.

In the book it says it's pointless to tell a BPD that they have BPD. It made a lot of sense, and I was able for a while whenever my mom said something hurtful, I kept repeating to myself one of the line in the book "that it's worse being in their skin"... .

But I became tired after a while, I kept taking it all inside while she just imposed her moods on everyone. The fights she has with my dad became worse and worse, accused him of being a "snake" and insinuating that he was manipulating me.

I am 30 now, I've graduated in 2016 with a BFA in Visual art and have a really hard time finding a job that would help me gain my financial independence (Because that's her favorite string to pull on me and anyone in the family). My parents are separated but not divorced, and I still live with my dad for financial reasons. That means I can still see my dad having arguments with her on the phone, even when he goes away to his bedroom.

Recently I've had to have a root canal and a crown, my dad help me pay for it and I feel awful about it. But he said he had a very good bonus this year so that it wasn't too bad... .My mom realized how much money had been spent on my tooth and now she's all on me and said "why haven't you paid it with your credit card or just taken out" and I didn't want to answer because once you start answering her in never stops (but the answer is because my cc is nearly toped).
But After so many insinuation that I'm 30, I should be able to pay for myself and all that, completely forgetting that I have been diagnosed with ADD with impaired Executive Functioning TWICE, meaning I basically have the professional maturity of a 25 year old. I didn't ask to be born like this!

I just blew, I blew up, I just blew up. I've shouted at her on the phone like she used to do when I was a child, Like insane, straight out of the asylum yelling. And just told her all sorts of stuff that I don't want to say to a parent. I called her a vampire who sucks everybody's energy (irony is, it used to be her telling me I sucked all her energy when I was a child just trying to tell her about my day), I called her a manipulative ___, a spider who feeds on her own children and husband. Then I hurled the phone and broke it, grabbed my keys and just drove for an hour shouting and crying in my car to god, to life to my ancestors "Give me my life, I want my life, I want that karma with her to be over, She's a burden, and if I was a ___ like that to my children in a past life, I'm so so sorry, I'll never have children so they never go through such pain. I'll never manipulate others with money, or with guilt, I just want my life, to be financially independent so I can buy it back from her and never have to hear her again".
I parked in the hotel lot where I work thinking I'd be sleeping there but I kept crying and whaling and realized no one was listening and then got even madder and drove back home. My dad tried to stop me from calling her again and shout some more but I was fed up I just dialled her number and shouted more asking how much money she wanted for my life and called her insane (even though I know I was acting insane), told her she was Borderline and that she needed to get help, and told her that if I wasn't able to find proper work it was her fault because she just raised us (me and my older sister) to doubt ourselves, nearly destroyed our self-confidence and self-esteem and our sense of self.

I know it sounds like am just a crybaby blaming her parents, but I don't want to. In the end I know why she is messed up, I know her past (she can't stop talking about it). But she used me as her  psychologist since I was 12 years old, she literally said to me "here, my name, you observe you're dad and I and you write down what's wrong with us" as in "be our mariage counselor".

She forced me to wash already cleaned white doors whenever she had new guests, always telling me I had put either too much or too little clorox. When I asked to learn ballet as a child she said I was too old and that ballerina had crooked legs, figure skating was too expensive, horseback riding was too far... .But I should learn snowboarding because that's what all the other kids did, even though I'm  terrified of heights and never shown any interests in snowboarding... .she bought me the whole equipment and lessons for thousands of dollars. And the Activity I did wanted to continue, like tennis, she didn't encourage 'cause I didn't show enough interest in snowboarding.

It's so unfair, I take care of my ADD condition with medication, and reading. And she just does nothing. She's just looking for a fight at every turn, if not with me, with dad, or my sister... .or anyone who has been in her vicinity for a while. And she's as I am writing this making herself sick by not taking her medication for her thyroid. And I shouted at her that I knew why she was doing it, to turn herself into a victim again, she wants us the family to be her nurses.

I'm so so tired to have these thoughts, and rehashing the past, like she did her whole life. I want to be cleansed, I want her negative voice inside my head to just go away, she is so mean. I want my life to be mine. I want peace, I want harmony, I want serenity, I want to create, I want to laugh, I want to work and make a living that I can be proud of, but just the sound of her voice makes me feel damaged.

How do I recoup from such a blow? I still want to vomit words to her, and dad says it's just adding fuel to the fire, and I know he's right but I feel as if I've been forced to swallow fuel coming from her my whole life, and now I can't take it anymore, I have to explode.

[Pale Shelter]

Hi Bones for Stones,

Hugs! I know how you feel. It hurts and hurts and it hurts some more. I had some similar issue with activities with my BPD mom so that all really rang a bell! I also am here to try to manage my anger. Most of the time its resentment, but as you were describing there are those times where it becomes rage. It's hard. I don't really know how to get rid of it. I tried going non-communication for almost a year once. I think it was worse, but maybe necessary at that time.

I can say that the books help. You mentioned Stop Walking On Eggshells. That one is good. Understanding the Borderline Mother was a rough read for me, but helpful. Just reading the words in these books and on websites and forums, is very comforting for me. It's validation. It's a voice saying, "No, you're not crazy. That is not healthy, normal maternal behavior." I deserved more and so do you, but we didn't get it. It is unfortunate, but it cannot be changed in the past or realistically in the future, but you can be a better partner/mother in your future and while it will probably always hurt that your mother is the way she is, you can build a life that you protect from her BPD. Setting boundaries is huge. I learned over the past few years to never involve my mother in anything that I need her to come through on. I think of it as "no 'has to's'". If she has nothing she is obligated to do for or with me ( that I cannot recover from with minimal turmoil to myself and family), then she has fewer things to let me down on. I think she responds better to being given less ammo. If she has the bullets, it's pretty much a given she will fire them. When she is present and well, I enjoy those times. I savor them. When the storm comes, I try to batten down the hatches and use the tips from the books and websites and wait it out. I also have a BF whose parents have personality disorders. It's probably why we connected to deeply at a young age. If you think anyone in your life can relate, see if they are comfortable sharing. If so it can really help to have a friend who knows you and can help you blow off steam.

Best to you!
Pale Shelter

[Bones like Stones]

Oh thank you thank you thank you, I forgot how healing this website is. When I wrote the message yesterday, I was still in the heat of it all.

Now she's written back saying that I'm the one who's BPD, cause I sent her a list of all the symptoms and told her to get help. I wish I had never taken the phone yesterday, what a drain of energy.

I wrote to a friend about it, and he asked me what's holding me in this relationship with my mother and why? All I can think of answering was she's the only mother I have... .Ive established boundaries before but she keeps to butt in like a ram.

I am exhausted, I can't keep explaining she has to F%$! Off.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Bones Like Stones:   

I am 30 now, I've graduated in 2016 with a BFA in Visual art and have a really hard time finding a job that would help me gain my financial independence.  I want to work and make a living that I can be proud of

When you chose your major, what type of job did you hope for?  Any chance to freelance on your own?  Did you minor in something that perhaps you could fall back on?  Sometimes, people take some additional classes to broaden their horizens. 

My parents are separated but not divorced, and I still live with my dad for financial reasons. That means I can still see my dad having arguments with her on the phone, even when he goes away to his bedroom.   

Best to take steps to get out of hearing distance when you can hear your dad arguing on the phone with your mom.  You have no control over the situation.  Step away, go outside, put on headphones and listen to music, etc.  The more you stay out of it, the better off you will be.

Recently I've had to have a root canal and a crown, my dad help me pay for it and I feel awful about it. But he said he had a very good bonus this year so that it wasn't too bad... .My mom realized how much money had been spent on my tooth and now she's all on me and said "why haven't you paid it with your credit card or just taken out" and I didn't want to answer because once you start answering her in never stops (but the answer is because my cc is nearly toped)   

Your parents are separated and your dad agreed to help you pay for your dental work.  That is between you and your dad.  The best thing for you to do is to set a boundary for yourself to not have any further discussions with your mom about the situation.  Should you speak with her and she tries to engage you to talk about the dental work, don't have the conversation.  Calmly tell her you won't discuss the situation.  If she can't talk about something pleasant, calmly advise her that you need to let her go and then calmly hang up the phone (even if she continues to talk).  Don't argue.  It won't get you anywhere.

I have been diagnosed with ADD with impaired Executive Functioning TWICE, meaning I basically have the professional maturity of a 25 year old. I didn't ask to be born like this! 

I'm sorry you have ADD.  I have a few ADD traits myself.  People with ADD can be very creative and harness their traits to their advantage.  Some people look at ADD as a gift. 

I'm so so tired to have these thoughts, and rehashing the past, like she did her whole life. I want to be cleansed 

Have you tried meditation or mindfulness exercises?  They can help you clear your mind of the reoccurring thoughts.  The information at the link below could help you manage your memories/thoughts better

MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS

How do I recoup from such a blow? I still want to vomit words to her, and dad says it's just adding fuel to the fire, and I know he's right but I feel as if I've been forced to swallow fuel coming from her my whole life, and now I can't take it anymore, I have to explode.   

Your dad is right.  Arguing with you mom will only add fuel to the fire.  You can't change her.  The only thing you have control over is yourself.  You can learn some communication skills that will help you manage the way you interact with your mom and the way you react to her. 

You might want to work your way through the Survivor's Guide in the right hand margin.  If you go to the wide green band at the very top of this page, you will find a "Tools" menu.  The lessons there can be helpful.  How about starting out reading about boundaries.  What are some boundaries you can set to protect yourself against your mom?  Boundaries are for you and it is up to you to enforce them.