Accused of being controlling

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Is it normal of a BPD sufferer to accuse their SO of being controlling? I did try to set boundaries and stated what I wanted out of a relationship but how is that controlling? She stated in the relationship we were not really equals. That's confusing. She of course was being mistreated.

[Aesir]

Is it normal of a BPD sufferer to accuse their SO of being controlling? I did try to set boundaries and stated what I wanted out of a relationship but how is that controlling? She stated in the relationship we were not really equals. That's confusing. She of course was being mistreated.

[bunny4523]

I think projection is common with people with BPD.  It is possible that she is controlling and projecting that on you.  My ex was very controlling but he didn't see himself that way.  Maybe if I had "said" it out loud to him, he would have put it back to me.  He often did that.  If I said anything about the way he mistreated me or behavior I didn't care for... .It would end up coming out of his mouth towards me... .I found it very odd because I didn't know about BPD yet.  Now it all makes more sense.

[ACObound]

Is it normal of a BPD sufferer to accuse their SO of being controlling? I did try to set boundaries and stated what I wanted out of a relationship but how is that controlling? She stated in the relationship we were not really equals. That's confusing. She of course was being mistreated.

Not so sure about normal, but like so many things that happen on this site, I heare the exact same thing.  my uBPDw has said at least a thousand times that we are not equals and that I was controlling.  Thinking back, there is certainly times I was I think in attempt to stand up for myself.  It never seemed to dawn on her that if we were in some kind of discussion(read as circular argument) 90%+ of the dialogue was coming from her blaming me.  Yet I was controlling... .it is confusing... .I feel you pain... .

[mar356]

"Is it normal of a BPD sufferer to accuse their SO of being controlling? I did try to set boundaries and stated what I wanted out of a relationship but how is that controlling? She stated in the relationship we were not really equals. That's confusing. She of course was being mistreated."

Absolutely. This is a gas-lighting tactic they used. Mine accused me of being controlling and possessive. I'm the least controlling and possessive person I know... .I decided to look at myself to see if this was true about me and actually asked a few of my exes and they all told me in no way are you controlling.  Typically when they project any traits on to you such as you're needy, controlling, don't actively listen or are bad at communicating it really is characteristics that they have.

A healthy relationship with a healthy individual is equal. It is actually listed in any relationship book out there. When it is one-sided and your needs are simply just not being heard you give away a part of your self to them.  BPD thrive on control and tend to be super manipulative to get whatever they want.

[Kelli Cornett]

Yup I just recently got that one as well... .

I would say I "controlled" myself but no I didn't control her... .She called the shots ... .

[roberto516]

"Is it normal of a BPD sufferer to accuse their SO of being controlling? I did try to set boundaries and stated what I wanted out of a relationship but how is that controlling? She stated in the relationship we were not really equals. That's confusing. She of course was being mistreated."

Absolutely. This is a gas-lighting tactic they used. Mine accused me of being controlling and possessive. I'm the least controlling and possessive person I know... .I decided to look at myself to see if this was true about me and actually asked a few of my exes and they all told me in no way are you controlling.  Typically when they project any traits on to you such as you're needy, controlling, don't actively listen or are bad at communicating it really is characteristics that they have.

A healthy relationship with a healthy individual is equal. It is actually listed in any relationship book out there. When it is one-sided and your needs are simply just not being heard you give away a part of your self to them.  BPD thrive on control and tend to be super manipulative to get whatever they want.

She accused me of gas lighting because she said I put doubts in her head and questioned her. Maybe I did. But I honestly think that maybe I was just telling her stuff she coulnd't emotionally handle. So the defenses came up, and she spun it right back on me. I used to set boundaries and get angry because she wasn't respecting them. Then she'd get angry and then use my anger back to rationalize that I was an ass. It's so methodical and effective.

And yes she called the shots. Yelled at me and bullied me into shaving before going to her grandmoms to visit. But yeah, I controlled.

[enlighten me]

Heres a different spin on it (and yes both my uBPD exs accused me of being controlling).

What if by saying we were controlling they where really saying I want to do things (impulse) but I don't want to mess things up with you so you are controlling me even though your not doing it intentionally.

[once removed]

I did try to set boundaries and stated what I wanted out of a relationship but how is that controlling?

i dont know if it was controlling, but it sounds like a misunderstanding/misapplication of "boundaries". boundaries arent rules for another person, or ultimatums. they are a lifestyle, and yours alone.

the two are often confused, and while it might not fit our understanding of "controlling", at the end of the day, its a misapplication of the concept of boundaries, and may reasonably be perceived as controlling. it makes for a messy relationship and actual boundaries get blurry.

im not sure we want to dismiss this as "projection" either (which i think we may be confusing with "hypocrisy". it is the natural course of this disorder that a partner is ultimately perceived as punitive and controlling.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
practical examples of setting boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

[mar356]

"She accused me of gas lighting because she said I put doubts in her head and questioned her. Maybe I did. But I honestly think that maybe I was just telling her stuff she coulnd't emotionally handle. So the defenses came up, and she spun it right back on me. I used to set boundaries and get angry because she wasn't respecting them. Then she'd get angry and then use my anger back to rationalize that I was an ass. It's so methodical and effective.

And yes she called the shots. Yelled at me and bullied me into shaving before going to her grandmoms to visit. But yeah, I controlled."

The fact she knows about gas lighting is a red flag. It is easy to put doubt in the head of someone with BPD, being late 5 minutes is really all it takes in their mind or not being able to mind read them...   It is always a one-sided relationship with them and it is toxic and doomed to fail without treatment.  They are effective manipulators because they are extremely well at gas lighting, love bombing, future faking and feeding of your vulnerabilities. 

[Stolen]

This was an excellent recent thread regarding the "Controlling" topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304420.0

(hopefully that works)

[roberto516]

"She accused me of gas lighting because she said I put doubts in her head and questioned her. Maybe I did. But I honestly think that maybe I was just telling her stuff she coulnd't emotionally handle. So the defenses came up, and she spun it right back on me. I used to set boundaries and get angry because she wasn't respecting them. Then she'd get angry and then use my anger back to rationalize that I was an ass. It's so methodical and effective.

And yes she called the shots. Yelled at me and bullied me into shaving before going to her grandmoms to visit. But yeah, I controlled."

The fact she knows about gas lighting is a red flag. It is easy to put doubt in the head of someone with BPD, being late 5 minutes is really all it takes in their mind or not being able to mind read them...   It is always a one-sided relationship with them and it is toxic and doomed to fail without treatment.  They are effective manipulators because they are extremely well at gas lighting, love bombing, future faking and feeding of your vulnerabilities. 

That's the crappy part. She has done therapy on and off for so long but as my therapist suspects, and I do too, that her therapist doesn't confront her on this and she has probably fallen for the victim role that she presents so well. But I remember all the texts saying "Can I go to yoga after work?" and I'd say "Yeah I don't care you don't have to ask me" and she'd say "Youre the best boyfriend ever!"

Then when she went to yoga school and I'd babysit her dog every other weekend there was a time when she wanted me to come over at 10 and I said I'd be there at 12 and she berated me until I agreed. Man what the hell am I thinking? It was just a drug.