who was labeled as "controlling"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi, in my search for answers i would like to know who got the label "controlling".
I was a devoted husband and always shared wishes and thoughts with her, asked what she would like and ask her opinion in case of decisions or choices.

Jo

[jo19854]

Hi, in my search for answers i would like to know who got the label "controlling".
I was a devoted husband and always shared wishes and thoughts with her, asked what she would like and ask her opinion in case of decisions or choices.

Jo

[Stolen]

Me 

Since xW could never give me a reason why she wanted to be divorced, I pressed and pressed. Finally "I have to get away from your Control!"

For the life of me, I couldn't imagine what this meant - she worked where she wanted, we sent the kids to the school she wanted them to go to, we bought the house 3 blocks from her evil mother, bought the Land Rover she wanted, etc., etc., etc.

So I then pressed on what did she mean by control.

Finally, finally I got my answer.

"When you are not home and I let the kids eat in the basement and they make a mess, I have to worry that you will be mad at me the way my mother always was"

OK.  I guess I was controlling... .   

[LilMe]

My uBPD acused me of being controlling. It was total projection. My children and family can vouch that I am not controlling at all. Actually the total oposite, to a fault!

He still controls me in any way he can, in spite of us being apart since April. I know my children are upset and cry for me when they are with him, but he won't answer the phone or let them call me. He says the calls are me trying to control him, in spite of the fact that our PP allows for a call from me or they can call me anytime they want.

You know the truth in your heart, jo19854. I am sure you were not controlling or any of the many other things your BPD accused you of. Learn about 'projection' and it will clear a lot of your confusion up!

[Ananass]

In my case I was labeled controlling as soon as divorce was mentioned. It just so happened it was a time when I had had enough and finally started airing my opinions that conflicted hers. Otherwise I guarded my boundaries which may have appeared controlling to her. It appears when I allow her to exert the control in a positive manner, she will not follow through at all. e.g. "I have tried to call s6 but no answer, could you please have him call me when he gets a chance?" . Her response would probably be 8 hours later, "s6 is sleeping".

[once removed]

what is our working definition of "controlling" here? we are talking about folks with a heightened fear of engulfment (related to feeling controlled) and well intended behavior can be, or can be perceived as, controlling behavior.

[vanx]

I was. In the process of detachment, I have been about to frame it in terms once removed described well above. Personally, I didn't find the things I was accussed of being to be 100% untrue. For instance we do all exert some degree of will or "control" over each other, because we all have out own wants and needs. I could see that she felt controlled. But yeah, would we really want to force out will upon another or be pleased if they did something just because we wanted? Of course not! And that is more the standard definition.

[GuySmiley]

First time post here - long time lurker. Had to post on this one.

I started to get called 'controlling' by my BPD ex gf after she continued to hang out with the guy she cheated on me with and his friends. When I told her I wanted her to not see them again and spend time rebuilding our relationship I was told I was 'controlling'.

This lead to so many arguments as I simply couldn't see how she thought it was acceptable behaviour.

Almost 20 years on I can now see how she was deflecting the responsibility she should have been showing, onto me and making me the bad guy.

Basically, when you call them out on their ___, and (try to) hold them responsible for their actions and (try to) get them to atone for their actions they simply cannot do it. They cannot admit fault and so go on the attack and call you controlling.

And I'm guessing everyone else on here is like me - none of us, not a single one of us is controlling. In fact we're more than likely the complete opposite and the minute we initiate any boundaries or get them to show personal responsibility they whip out the 'controlling' card.

[FSTL]

At various points I was accused of being "controlling", but like a lot of other things, this is just a general manipulation tactic used by a lot of people who may or may not be BPD. My X wife accused me of this ALL the time in our divorce proceedings, despite he being incredibly controlling and abusive herself.

My BPDx pulled out the controlling label whenever I asked her to do or not do things I didn't like. Her accusing me of being controlling was just manipulation to push back on something she didn't want to do.

She herself was very controlling - she was paranoid about me being with another woman, so I felt like I couldn't do anything without her and, yep, she was cheating on me at the same time.

Lots of projection, lots of controlling.

[jonmnemonic]

the minute we initiate any boundaries or get them to show personal responsibility they whip out the 'controlling' card.

That's exactly it.  My BPD would tell me and everyone else that I was controlling and manipulative.  In reality she lived a secret and separate life from me and would pull out the "controlling" card whenever I'd question her about her behavior and/or ask her to put her family before herself.

[Stolen]

That's exactly it.  My BPD would tell me and everyone else that I was controlling and manipulative.  In reality she lived a secret and separate life from me and would pull out the "controlling" card whenever I'd question her about her behavior and/or ask her to put her family before herself.

I can use this statement word-for-word. So true. 

to xW - "controlling", to me - honesty, responsibility, integrity. 

And then to hear the "controlling" repeated by the toxic "attorney for the children", who, when I urged psychological review of xW, I was again labeled "controlling". Yes - I wanted to control the looming destruction.  Guilty.

And GuySmiley - that was a great first post.  So many seem to have lived the same sorry story.  Damn.

[Aesir]

I was called controlling when I would make suggestions on the direction and goals of the relationship. She said that I made the " either my way or the highway " statement. I don't really remember saying that. I do remember trying to give us a realistic direction while she did not. All I could do is make  suggestions. I can't make a adult do anything and I could never get her to do anything.

[ShadowA]

I was called controlling when she devalued me. However, when she idolized me she said I didn't control her enough. That I let her get away with too much. 

So I'm either pushover, or controller. No in between really. Makes it very confusing

[Aesir]

I was called controlling when she devalued me. However, when she idolized me she said I didn't control her enough. That I let her get away with too much. 

So I'm either pushover, or controller. No in between really. Makes it very confusing

I don't think one can ever really do enough. If you did not take charge you are weak and if you do you are controlling.  You lose either way. If you try to strike a balance there will still be some type of problem. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[ACObound]

Oh my gosh,  hear about being controling for most of 25 years.  I spent 100 of hours trying to show how I wasn't.  I "discovered BPD way to late so I could give 100's of examples but once removed says it all:

what is our working definition of "controlling" here? we are talking about folks with a heightened fear of engulfment (related to feeling controlled) and well intended behavior can be, or can be perceived as, controlling behavior.

Amen

[jhkbuzz]

That's exactly it.  My BPD would tell me and everyone else that I was controlling and manipulative.  In reality she lived a secret and separate life from me and would pull out the "controlling" card whenever I'd question her about her behavior... .

Yes, this. We agreed after the first affair that she would stop locking her phone and be more open. Then she pass code protected it again - and when i questioned her about it, I was being controlling. Of course, I found out about the second affair a year later.

Towards the end of the r/s I began to understand that I was a "stand in" for someone else from her past. Much of what was happening in our r/s had little to do with me, or what was happening in the present.

[apollotech]

I would get the "controlling" mantle cloaked over my shoulders whenever I asked her to be or expected her to act like a responsible adult. Of course, I had no knowledge of BPD at the time. It was a child's game that she'd play whenever she didn't get her way or was called out on something, a form of blame/responsibility shifting (Notice the controlling aspect of that process once the unfounded "controlling" label is placed on someone.).

[Reforming]

Hi all,

I experienced this too and I think this is driven by a number of factors.

Rescuing. Quite a few of us begin our relationship as rescuers.

A person with BPD can often project the need to be rescued. It's a coping mechanism that's particularly compelling to those who have strong rescuing tendencies. Initially a BPD encourages this by idealising the rescuer as the white night. This person can save me and make me feel safe. The rescuer reciprocates by idealising in turn - the damsel in distress. This person needs my help. I can make him / her be happy which is code for I can make them into person I want them to be.

For a while both partners feel they are meeting each other's needs.

But rescuing is not built on equality - it's a one up attachment system. The rescuer may believe they have the best intentions and the person being rescued may seem grateful but over time the dynamic breeds resentment. Deep down the rescuer, though they may be oblivious to it, believes that they are better, stronger or know how to fix the other and this gives them a sense of self worth. The person being rescued may even validate these beliefs but eventually they begin to recognise that the rescuer isn't actually in love with who they are - they're in love with who they want them to be and they feel controlled

There's another factor that plays into this dynamic. BPDs are not good at communicating their needs - deep down they feel ashamed of them. But in the early stages of the relationship when a BPD is trying to attach they often subsume their needs in order to mould themselves to their partner. They genuinely appear to like the same things, share same interests and the same values.  The non believes they've met their soulmate.

But the BPD is not expressing their authentic self - they're hiding it.  They're afraid that if they do they'll be discarded or rejected.  Projecting this false self is exhausting and sooner or later they grow to resent their partner and feel that they are being controlled.

Reforming

[GuySmiley]

I agree absolutely with what Reforming says above, however I also believe they use the 'controlling' card whenever you try and set reasonable boundaries.

BUT only reasonable boundaries after they've already fallen out of love with you. E.g.: when you're in the idealisation phase you can agree on obvious reasonable behaviours - don't cheat, don't lie, don't do obvious stupid detrimental things etc, and you'll always be rewarded with a "of course not, we're so alike and so in love."

When you start making these requests when the BPD has fallen out of love with you, e.g.: don't cheat, don't lie, don't do obvious stupid detrimental things etc, and you'll then be rewarded with a "you're so controlling!."

[Happy1]

yea, I got called.controlling all the time too. Like someone else mentioned, it was mostly when I questioned her judgement and explained that I was hurt by it in some way. A.K.A. trying to communicate my needs or set a healthy boundary. I never really understood what it meant and if I asked her to be specific she couldn't be so, I chalked it up to her just being selfish and inconsiderate of me and not wanting t feel any guilt.

Once I caught her seeing the guy had cheated on me with after she said it was over. She said, "Yes, if you must know I did see him,but you have no right to try and control me and telling me who I can and cannot see... ." My response was, "You're right!" and with that I turned and walked away. Oh brother, you should have seen her abandonment issues come to the surface then... .

[SuperJew82]

I was called controlling when I would make suggestions on the direction and goals of the relationship. She said that I made the " either my way or the highway " statement. I don't really remember saying that. I do remember trying to give us a realistic direction while she did not. All I could do is make  suggestions. I can't make a adult do anything and I could never get her to do anything.

Yes, this is exactly my story. She called me controlling, manipulative, deceptive, and a sociopath... .It's been over a month since I have responded to any of her text - but here is a random one from last week:

"One day everyone will see how truly crazy and deceptive you are.  I
feel sorry for you and anyone who knows you "

I have group of fantastic friends that have helped me walk away from this. She has zero friends. Her sister even had to block her.

She was really charming around me - at first I wondered why didn't have any friends, but I thought maybe being a working single mom was the cause of it... but then I'm a full time single dad of two kids and I still have good friends... .prob more friends because of my kids... .

[SuperJew82]

Yea... .the ironic part is that there was NO chance she would keep a promise or follow some healthy advice. No way you can control them even if you wanted to.

I'm feel more assured after she accidently got the diagnosis ( she had an appointment with the psychiatrist to get an adderall script - but walked out with a Mixed Cluster B diag) , so I know it's not in my head.

I started thinking so much was in my head and doubting things... .

[GuySmiley]

It's been over a month since I have responded to any of her text - but here is a random one from last week:

"One day everyone will see how truly crazy and deceptive you are.  I
feel sorry for you and anyone who knows you "

I have group of fantastic friends that have helped me walk away from this. She has zero friends. Her sister even had to block her.

Can pretty much guarantee that if you leave it for a good while and go completely NC you'll receive another text telling you how much she misses you (either that or you'll get a text where she's nice as pie and tries to be pals with you). You can then have the two texts, one after another displaying her complete 180, just illustrating the problem isn't with you, it's with her.

[SuperJew82]

After setting my boundaries of " don't go visiting your ex, quit texting him, quit flirting with other guys, quit lying to me about virtually everything "... ."Marie, this is not how relationships work... .you are sabotaging and doing things that seem to intentionally designed for breaking this relationships"

So yea... .trying to curb their detrimental behavior is controlling to them. I have no idea why I gave her so many chances... .A healthy person would have hit the eject button 1 or 2 months into my story. Since I'm a sucker, it took me 1.5 years.

[JRT]

The only thing that my ex could say within regards to why she left previous relationships were either roundabout 'controlling' or verbatim 'controlling'. I mean, who challenges this? They get a free pass where no one asks any questions and mental images of 'Sleeping with the Enemy' reflexively appear in the minds of people that she tells this. I know that I never challenged her (not that she really brought up old boyfriends at all) and felt more sympathetic than the least bit skeptical. It was the perfect alibi if you will.

Mine cut me off when she broke up and I never spoke to her since, she also cut off each and every friend or relative that she met through me. She continued to convince all but one person the disconnect with me through social media a 2 years after the fact! Finally, I met and became friends with someone in her family (how about for dumb luck?). She became familiar with my story and did some poking around. The word in her family: I was a controlling/stalker! Predictable... .

[jhkbuzz]

Rescuing. Quite a few of us begin our relationship as rescuers.

A person with BPD can often project the need to be rescued. It's a coping mechanism that's particularly compelling to those who have strong rescuing tendencies. Initially a BPD encourages this by idealising the rescuer as the white knight. This person can save me and make me feel safe. The rescuer reciprocates by idealising in turn - the damsel in distress. This person needs my help. I can make him / her be happy which is code for I can make them into person I want them to be.

For a while both partners feel they are meeting each other's needs.

But rescuing is not built on equality - it's a one up attachment system. The rescuer may believe they have the best intentions and the person being rescued may seem grateful but over time the dynamic breeds resentment. Deep down the rescuer, though they may be oblivious to it, believes that they are better, stronger or know how to fix the other and this gives them a sense of self worth. The person being rescued may even validate these beliefs but eventually they begin to recognise that the rescuer isn't actually in love with who they are - they're in love with who they want them to be and they feel controlled

There's another factor that plays into this dynamic. BPDs are not good at communicating their needs - deep down they feel ashamed of them. But in the early stages of the relationship when a BPD is trying to attach they often subsume their needs in order to mould themselves to their partner. They genuinely appear to like the same things, share same interests and the same values.  The non believes they've met their soulmate.

But the BPD is not expressing their authentic self - they're hiding it.  They're afraid that if they do they'll be discarded or rejected.  Projecting this false self is exhausting and sooner or later they grow to resent their partner and feel that they are being controlled.

Reforming

Thank you for providing us with such a balanced post, Reforming. It's important to look at both sides of the equation - their part AND our part.

Your post describes my r/s to a "T". Overall, my intentions were good - I loved her and wanted the best for her. But it's also true that I used her neediness (and her idealization of me) as a way to "prop" myself up. My low self-esteem got quite a boost from her dependent-type behaviors - and it wasn't good for either one of us. I came to view myself as more capable and smarter - which (by default) left her with the "less capable" and "less intelligent" role. Which one of us would want to be in a r/s in a permanent "one down" position? Not me and, after a while, not her either.

[Stolen]

The only thing that my ex could say within regards to why she left previous relationships were either roundabout 'controlling' or verbatim 'controlling'. I mean, who challenges this? They get a free pass where no one asks any questions and mental images of 'Sleeping with the Enemy' reflexively appear in the minds of people that she tells this. I know that I never challenged her (not that she really brought up old boyfriends at all) and felt more sympathetic than the least bit skeptical. It was the perfect alibi if you will.

Well stated.  "Controlling" is the step child to "Abusive".  Just keep repeating both over and over and garner all the sympathy they need. 

Maybe time for the PC police to lead the charge against "Control Culture".


btw - this is a great thread.  So much hits home with me. Thank you thank you thank you.

Now I'm going to control my body at the gym. Then come back and read more... .

[FallenOne]

I was labeled as a control freak at a few points in the relationship... All I ever did though was set boundaries and try to prevent her from committing acts and behaviors that were detrimental to her and the relationship.

Some of the things she did were just ridiculous...

Hanging out with ex's? Hanging out with drug addicts who had threatened to rape her before? Going on trips out of town with people she just met who were practically strangers?

Maybe I'm in the wrong for not wanting my girlfriend to hang out with ex boyfriends, but I don't see any reason for it? If you're in a relationship with somebody, what's the point of hanging out with an ex?

[SuperJew82]

What FallenOne said... .it's crazy how similar our stories are... .
Mine had multiple degrees, smart, charming, pretty, etc... .

It was weird that her ex (babydaddy) was a skinny punk, weak,narcissistic, wanna be gangster who still lived with his mom. Wouldn't even sign the birth certificate and was a total deadbeat - could care less for her or his son.

I viewed her 3 year old son like he was mine, and was ready to make a great future ... .this was my second chance in life... .

But she could not keep away from him for the life of her. I now see how she selects her victims - people that she can manipulate or people that can't get close enough in the first place - so they don't feel vulnerable.  She was the one in control with him.

With me I became the responsible one helping her. This was great at first. I felt great doing something that would make us happy. I could show her how to be healthy. I could show her how to get her life together and make it drama free. It made me feel valuable. Then it turned into me being controlling after I would find her lying about talking to other guys and cheating. She would always have a handful of guys in her safety net.

I never met anyone who lied about so many things before. At first I dismissed the little weird lies that served no purpose. That ended up being a huge red flag. If you notice someone lying about insignificant things - that is the result of their built in system. They will have no trouble lying about everything.

She would have little moments of clarity where she would tell me "I don't even realize I'm lying until after I say something, then I regret it almost right after but keep building on it" 

[Stolen]

I never met anyone who lied about so many things before. At first I dismissed the little weird lies that served no purpose. That ended up being a huge red flag. If you notice someone lying about insignificant things - that is the result of their built in system. They will have no trouble lying about everything.
 

Ditto again (is that redundant?).  Observing her lying to others, particularly family, about insignificant things certainly perplexed me, but I wouldn't have known a red flag if I walked into it then.  I was never allowed into her world of mendacity, but she groomed my daughters to step into it. Once they were firmly entrenched, the wall had been erected between us.

The kids were/are seldom dishonest by their words, but more often by the lack of such:

“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.”


― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

[FallenOne]

After setting my boundaries of " don't go visiting your ex, quit texting him, quit flirting with other guys, quit lying to me about virtually everything "... ."Marie, this is not how relationships work... .you are sabotaging and doing things that seem to intentionally designed for breaking this relationships"

So yea... .trying to curb their detrimental behavior is controlling to them. I have no idea why I gave her so many chances... .A healthy person would have hit the eject button 1 or 2 months into my story. Since I'm a sucker, it took me 1.5 years.

THIS! Absolutely this. Same experience. Read my post that I just made ":)etrimental and "sneaky" behavior. Is this common?"