help

[songbird1977]

Hello!  I have been talking to a co-worker who has a significant other that suffers from this disorder and am realizing that I am not alone.  I am not the cause of his struggle, and I want to find a happy medium with the emotional roller coaster I have been on for the last 15 years.  I am a very sensitive person and we have 3 kids... .the whole situation is just difficult to deal with.  I would love some relief and reassurance that everything will be ok... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome songbird1977:

I'm sorry that you are having difficulty dealing with a BPD partner.  I can understand how hard it must be for you, especially since you are a sensitive person.  It does help to have others for support and to understand that it's not your fault.

What are some of your current challenges in dealing with your husband (perhaps his worst BPD traits)?    :)o you take the brunt of his abusive behavior? Does he interact with your children differently?

Is your husband getting any treatment for BPD?  I know it's hard for a sensitive person to not take things a person with BPD (pwBPD) does or says.  Have you thought about getting some therapy?  

You can't change your husband, but if you use certain communication skills, you can make things better for you.  Using certain skills to interact with you husband and then learning better skills to manage your reactions, can make things better for you.

A good place to start with some skills is to look in the right margin and go to the middle area where there are links to "Basic Tools".  Some people like to come back to post about various skills, once they have studied them.  It can be valuable to check your understanding and gain support on how to use the tools in various situations.  It takes some practice, but once you gain some confidence in using the communication tools, it can make things better for you.

PS: You are posting on the board for relationships that are in or near breakup.  :)oes that apply to your situation, or might your focus be on improving your relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi songbird1977, 



I'd like to join Naughty Nibbler and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad to hear that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to others to get a realistic picture about ourselves, a pwBPD tend to blame their ailments on us and the world and give negative feedback, both are distorting and confusing.

That being said, Naughty Nibbler gave you a lot of helpful information, it helps to learn as much as you can about the disorder, we can learn to depersonalize the behaviors, a pwBPD can't control the disorder, it's not personal to us, it's something that our pwBPD are going through, that doesn't mean that we can't feel the way that we do about the behaviors, it helps to talk to others ( reassurance) that can validate these feelings because our pwBPD are not capable of validating them because they have social impairments, BPD is a pattern of chaotic interpersonal r/s's.

I'm a single dad with three kids, granted I have shared custody but it's a lot of kids, are you getting help with the kids? It was really difficult with having a partner that is disordered and dealing with her emotional upheavals and parenting the kids, it felt like burning the candle at both ends, self care is really important so that doesn't happen, it's even more important when our partner is disordered, what do you do for self care. You're not alone