Was my Text Offensive

[Grey Kitty]

  Don't worry so much about what her daughters do, say, or think. Also consider that they grew up with her, and probably are rather afraid of crossing her. In their shoes, I probably would be unwilling to challenge their mother, especially since living at home means their mother could kick them out. They probably notice that she's abusive and controlling with you. They may not have any respect for you, but I'm sure they understand what you are up against.

The one time I locked myself in a room, she disassembled the door knob, took it off and came in and really harassed me.  This woman respects NO boundaries. 

And that is why you need to make plans around this. First, I recommend you read this link/article about domestic violence against men:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

What she's doing does cross the line to domestic violence. Unfortunately, much of the DV support is focused on protecting women from men. Some jurisdictions are more open and aware that men can be victims of DV than others. If your wife makes false accusations, you are likely to be arrested. (I don't know how likely she is to do that; your guess is better than mine)

So make some plans. What you will do if she does things like take a door apart to get to you. In that case, I would suggest that you leave the house rather than locking yourself in a room, or if you do lock yourself in, pick a room where you can go out the window and leave!

Anyhow, we are here to support you--tell us about how you can get trapped like this, and we will help you find ways to protect yourself! The more specific your scenarios are, the more we can help you work out better solutions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Whups, I cross-posted with your last reply, dacoming.

Regarding the situation you just described, there are real dangers to avoid.

First, which should be obvious, don't let her provoke you into hitting her--if you do, you could end up in jail. Instead, find a way to remove yourself when she is trying to antagonize you like that.

Second, try to avoid situations where she is riled up enough that she might hit you. It could still go really badly for you, as a man in that situation. Among other things, if she is trying to hit you and you restrain her to stop her from doing so, that probably meets the legal definition of domestic violence. It is far better to avoid a situation  entirely than to get into one where you are at risk of breaking a law to protect yourself. (I'm not saying that self-defense is against the law... .just that avoiding the whole mess is 1000X safer)

Third, you may have to call the police. (I suggest you keep your cell phone on you, ready to dial 911 if you need to!) And if you do so, you aren't doing it to "get your wife in jail". You are doing it to protect yourself. If she goes to jail, it will be because SHE chose to break laws, not because you got law enforcement there to see what she was doing.

Before you do that, figure out the law, figure out your situation with local law enforcement. Call a local domestic violence shelter or support group when it isn't an emergency, when you are at work, or something, and ask about what you can do for your situation. You may find that exactly what you say to police, or when you call them makes a big difference. You will also get good information about how local law enforcement is likely to respond.

[dacoming]

Don't worry so much about what her daughters do, say, or think. Also consider that they grew up with her, and probably are rather afraid of crossing her. In their shoes, I probably would be unwilling to challenge their mother, especially since living at home means their mother could kick them out. They probably notice that she's abusive and controlling with you. They may not have any respect for you, but I'm sure they understand what you are up against.

And that is why you need to make plans around this. First, I recommend you read this link/article about domestic violence against men:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

What she's doing does cross the line to domestic violence. Unfortunately, much of the DV support is focused on protecting women from men. Some jurisdictions are more open and aware that men can be victims of DV than others. If your wife makes false accusations, you are likely to be arrested. (I don't know how likely she is to do that; your guess is better than mine)

So make some plans. What you will do if she does things like take a door apart to get to you. In that case, I would suggest that you leave the house rather than locking yourself in a room, or if you do lock yourself in, pick a room where you can go out the window and leave!

Anyhow, we are here to support you--tell us about how you can get trapped like this, and we will help you find ways to protect yourself! The more specific your scenarios are, the more we can help you work out better solutions.

Thanks GK.  At this point, my biggest concern has been how will the kids see me or will they stop having anything to do with me if I break up the family by leaving.  I want things to work still but I can't live like this much longer.  I'm realizing that I cannot worry about what crap she is feeding the kids or how they see it.  She always tells me how she'd be surprised if the kids want anything else to do with me if I turn my back on our family and I have bought into it.  I actually asked my son recently if he actually said or felt some of the things his mom told me he said.  She told me he has expressed not feeling comfortable talking to me about anything and feeling compassion for what she is going through with me.  He said that those things were not true.  He told me that he feels more comfortable talking to me because I listen and do not get mad; where as she blows up and gets angry.  I used to talk with the older daughter quite a bit as we used to lean on each other to get through her abuse.  She goes through quite a bit with her as well.  She told me that they try not to get involved but feel forced to at times  because their Mom will turn the wrath on them.  She also said that they do not believe the cheating talk and both her and my other daughter believe I am speaking up and lashing out now because I've had enough.  My other daughter will never elaborate on any negative talk regarding her mother but she does let me know that she loves me too in her own way.  I guess I shouldn't believe anything she says on that front and see what happens if it comes to that.

[formflier]

Download a recorder app for your phone.  Make sure anytime things even start to warm up... .have it on.

Perhaps use video as well... .if she is ever coming at you.  That way there is audio and video of her pursuing and you retreating.

Whose house is it?  Joint?

Play around with your phone and see what happens to audio and video if you make a phone call.

Call your local sheriff office... .or even better ask for the 911 center (usually co-located) and ask them if they have "text to 911" service.  Some places you have to "register" first.

Also... make sure to have the non-emergency number to sheriff office stored in your phone.

Find DV shelter that is somewhat friendly to men... .store that in your phone.

Do you have a car that only you drive?  Do you have go bag ready?  Go bag in trunk?

I know i just snowed you with questions... .but... .BEFORE you take a stand, you need to plan and be ready.  It will keep you confident to move from one step to another.

FOG alert... .   Worry about protecting yourself... .over what kids will think.  If "something goes down"... .having it properly documented will help you have a good result with kids.

Talk through with men's DV shelter about protection orders... .and all that.  Not saying to file it, but... .they should be able to practically tell you if a video of her busting through a door gets you a protection order to keep her away for a while.  They should know how local judges "view" things.

Lots to process... .


FF

[Skip]

I'd focus on prevention and preemption... .

When the Kitty says get out, he means "out of the immediate argument". This can be going to the bathroom, running to the store, walking the dog.

You know your wife. You can probably identify the early stages of her coming unglued with 90% accuracy. When you "smell" it, take preventive action to be out of earshot.

Know your laws

Go visit of DV agency and call your attorney and get advice. I'm not suggesting that you engage third party help to mitigate family disputes or escalate anything, I'm saying learn what you need to best protect yourself if she does call the police. She put it on the table. She gets over her skis when she gets angry. I'd be smart and lay down some protection.

[Grey Kitty]

When the Kitty says get out, he means "out of the immediate argument". This can be going to the bathroom, running to the store, walking the dog.

Exactly. The immediate problem *IS* the argument, the escalating abuse. Remove yourself from that situation; she will run out of steam sooner or later, and you can come back. And if she starts right into you when you return, it isn't safe to stay, so go away again. You will return another time and not get lit into like that.

At some point in an altercation with her, if you say anything, if you say nothing, no matter what it is, she only gets more angry.

The only thing you can do which doesn't make the situation worse is to get yourself away from her immediately.

Perhaps you will choose to do something more drastic, but that's not what I'm suggesting now; you can think about that later if you need to.

[dacoming]

Download a recorder app for your phone.  Make sure anytime things even start to warm up... .have it on.

Perhaps use video as well... .if she is ever coming at you.  That way there is audio and video of her pursuing and you retreating.

Whose house is it?  Joint?

Play around with your phone and see what happens to audio and video if you make a phone call.

Call your local sheriff office... .or even better ask for the 911 center (usually co-located) and ask them if they have "text to 911" service.  Some places you have to "register" first.

Also... make sure to have the non-emergency number to sheriff office stored in your phone.

Find DV shelter that is somewhat friendly to men... .store that in your phone.

Do you have a car that only you drive?  Do you have go bag ready?  Go bag in trunk?

I know i just snowed you with questions... .but... .BEFORE you take a stand, you need to plan and be ready.  It will keep you confident to move from one step to another.

FOG alert... .   Worry about protecting yourself... .over what kids will think.  If "something goes down"... .having it properly documented will help you have a good result with kids.

Talk through with men's DV shelter about protection orders... .and all that.  Not saying to file it, but... .they should be able to practically tell you if a video of her busting through a door gets you a protection order to keep her away for a while.  They should know how local judges "view" things.

Lots to process... .


FF

FF, it is our house.  Just a couple nights ago, I recorded her with my phone making threats of kicking me in the head (I was laying down on the floor), visualizing stabbing me to death, bringing other dudes in my house, etc.  I'm holding this in case she does try to falsely accuse me one day.  I try to record these things when I can.  I missed some other goodies earlier.  She's threatened to make false allegations before and said she is from the street and dirty and that I don't want to mess with her.  She has never followed through so it could just be the emotion but I'm concerned nevertheless. 

[dacoming]

Thanks GK and Skip, I will keep everything in mind.  Also, I knew GK wasn't meaning to get out of the marriage but the situation at the time.

[formflier]

Get in the habit of running the recorder... .every once in a while, when you realize it's been on and nothing good... cancel that recording and start over.

If something interesting happens... .see if you can go get some water... .save that recording... .start a new recording.

If you have a cloud storage... .upload the recording to the cloud so there are backups. 

Umm... make sure your phone is locked... .and you have your own passwords.  Don't taunt her with recordings... .Hopefully she never knows.

FF