Crossroads- BPD Daughter Moving Back In

[Slwinner]

My almost 20 year old daughter will move back into my home this weekend. To say I am terrified is an understatement.

She's been in and out of residential treatment for the past three years. She's stable on meds and has been sober for almost 6 months. Her case manager met with us and it's time for her to move home.

She still exhibits BPD behaviors. I fear she will go back to sleeping all day, making messes and generally ignoring me. We have a contract and the rules are clear but she's a master manipulator.

I wish I could feel joy for the progress she's made but I don't. I am scared.

Any advice on how to make this transition successful? And what do I do when there are missteps?

Many thanks for any help you can give me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

I was very apprehensive when my D17 was transitioning back home after an 8 month residential stay.  I share in the fear you are feeling too, still do as she's only home 5 months. 

Be proud of the progress your family has made, her being sober for nearly 6 months is tremendous.  It sounds like the case manager has a plan in place with contract and clear rules.  Remember to hold to the rules and not allow them to be bent, that is where the manipulation will begin.  I needed to take her return in small steps, not thinking of tomorrow, but staying present in the moment.  Using the tools I learned along the way and reminding myself to listen, validate and not be overbearing (big downfall of mine).

We continued with family weekly sessions and have become stronger. There will be missteps (mistakes), what I have done is my absolute best to not fly off the handle, but to listen with empathy, validate and have a conversation w/good tone.  We are all human and mistakes will happen, I've done my best to apologize if I'm in the wrong, have  a calm discussion if she is and most importantly, move on instead of continuing the bicker/fight.

Good luck with this next step and stay present, don't worry about tomorrow.  You have come a long way, be proud

[ParentBPDgirl]

I hope it all goes well - I'm in the opposite situation of having a 20 year old not interested in treatment who's furious we're kicking her out. I'm curious to know from people who have children with BPD who come home, how they transition?

I would be scared, too! I know the scenes you're dealing with and I know it's rough.

Good luck, hang in there!

[Lollypop]

Hi there SLwinner

I just wanted to say how great it is that your daughter has progressed so well and of course you too!

My BPDs26 returned home following dx and I remember that fear of the unknown. I understand your fears. Try and remember you've both changed so things will not be as they were. You've come a long way forwards and are prepared, you've have the skills and wisdom to deal with the challenges ahead. You have a support network in place too.

Has your daughter made friends there? She's most probably feeling nervous herself and Her own preparations should help her return to you.

How are your family and friends feeling about her coming home?

Mine were nervous and, quite honestly, my H didn't want my BPDs back but we've found a way forwards. We're 14 months on and BPDs has progressed well.

One baby step at a time. Gently forwards.

L

[Slwinner]

Thank you for the responses. Today BPD won. My daughter was home for a couple of hours. I caught her in two lies. She clearly has an agenda for moving back in here which does not include following the rules.

Now I have to scramble to see if she can stay where she is. She clearly can't live here. I was screamed and cursed at yet again. Another mess.

Endless.

[Bright Day Mom]

I am sorry BPD reared its ugly head yesterday. Hopefully her current placement can extend her stay and work with the family on transitioning back home.  I don't think it is ever east and feel my D had tremendous reservations / fears herself. Going from a high level of care residence back to our home where many crises occurred can't be easy for them either.  We were all nerve wracked, hubby included, just didn't show it. You all may just need a little more time, counseling to work out expectations for transitioning home. 

We are 5 months post discharge and continue with weekly sessions to keep our communication and relationships growing... .it takes lots of time and patience, which I admit do lack times.

I hope today is better for you, we're here to lend an ear