Hi All!
I know some of you have been out of your toxic relationship for a few years, but for some of you it's been a few days, weeks even months. Not that there is any set time period for a BPD ex to try to reconnect (and some don't try to reconnect... .not all are the same nor have the same re-engagement tactics/patterns), I thought this might be beneficial to share, should you find yourselves on the receiving end of email contact from your ex.
Below is an example of a baiting "tactic" I fell for which was obvious in retrospect, yet I fell for it at the time and it set me back in my healing.
Once in my four year relationship, my ex dumped me for three months. I started dating someone else and all of a sudden, one day out of the blue I get an email from one of my ex's MANY email accounts with a "?"
?
A question mark was the only thing she typed. As I scrolled down I realized this was a very old email from a few years past. It was definitely an email that could apply to present tense but it was from three years past. I ignored it.
An hour later I got another email.
"Sorry to bother you. My email must have done a strange dump. I didn't realize this was from a year ago."
Stupid me replies: "No problem".
Which of course turned into an hour of emailing with her trying to get me to meet her for drinks (which I did) and of course then we ended up right back together again.
BPD's will use ANY tactic they can to re-establish contact. What I thought was an "accident" was VERY intentional. It was her way of "feeling me out" with a less chance of rejection (non face to face) which would send her off a cliff emotionally.
My ex used email in a VERY, VERY manipulative and somewhat dangerous way.
Many times she would forward me emails she had "doctored" from her sister. Her sister hated me (still does) and we work together (unfortunately). In these emails I thought her sister was coming around and warming towards me and "all was well", so when I invited her to a party for her sister (near the end of our relationship) she threatened to send me to HR for harassing her... .
which was VERY confusing to me and made me feel like I was going nuts.
!
My ex would tell her sister, her family how awful I was and then tell me they felt very different about me, loved me even! So I felt secure up until the very end of the relationship. While I was hurting (after her vicious discard for another) and trying to get answers, these people thought I was an insane stalker and wanted her to throw a RO on me.They had a very, very different opinion of me and who I really am.
But that was how I was being portrayed to others. I cannot blame them for believing a convincing liar, especially one that is their beloved daughter/sister.
On one occasion, after my ex cheated on me with another ex, she told me of another ex who was a very "good" friend of hers that wanted to come visit and meet me. This was her best friend. At the beginning of our relationship she called this person the "love of her life" so I was very hesitant to meet her, of course. To calm me, my ex forwarded me an email from this ex. I didn't check the email addresses or anything... .
I stupidly believed it.
In the email my ex asked her ex why she was visiting and stressed she was in love with me and found it strange she would want to come to Illinois for vacation when they hadn't seen each other in five years. In this email the ex replied she just missed her friendship and needed to get away for a bit, she herself was going through a divorce with the person she dated after our ex.
A few weeks later this ex came to visit over a weekend bringing along a friend. I remember we all went to a comedy club and this woman offered to drive. She was VERY prickly towards me and my ex was VERY affectionate towards me, kissing me and making sure her ex could see us in the rear view mirror.
That Sunday my ex and her ex decided to go take a walk in a forest preserve... ."to catch up". I was ok with it because nothing really was glaring to me or stood out other than the fact she wasn't very friendly (but I am very outgoing and this woman was very bookish and kinda nerdy---not to be mean but we were opposites).
Two weeks later I get left for this woman.
.
Turns out this woman was prickly because she was visiting to assess the situation between me and my ex. She was there to "rescue" our ex from the EVIL Pretty Woman. Keep in mind my ex also had left this ex for other people during their relationship, including for another ex she still communicates with to this day.
I titled this post "tricks up their sleeve" but they are only TRICKS if you allow yourself to be fooled.
Trust your gut instinct and if something doesn't seem right, investigate. It's not normal to constantly rotate your exes. Things happen in life and sometimes a relationship can be rekindled (successfully) at a later date. Maybe you were "too young" or other life circumstances interfered with your union the first time... .
but when you know your ex has cheated on others and she/he is still friends with these people... .

because someday you will likely be that person. You will be part of a rotation from h e l l unless you remove yourself from the equation.
This woman ended up getting burned twice. She actually left her partner of five years to go back to her ex who dumped me for her... .and then ran back to me two weeks later. She had been "working" on this ex since the start of our relationship and it took her two years to secure her again, only to break up a marriage and leave her worse off than the first time they dated.
Be careful and again... .trust your instincts.