Tricks Up Their Sleeve- The BPD and Email

[Pretty Woman]

Hi All!
   I know some of you have been out of your toxic relationship for a few years, but for some of you it's been a few days, weeks even months. Not that there is any set time period for a BPD ex to try to reconnect (and some don't try to reconnect... .not all are the same nor have the same re-engagement tactics/patterns), I thought this might be beneficial to share, should you find yourselves on the receiving end of email contact from your ex.

Below is an example of a baiting "tactic" I fell for which was obvious in retrospect, yet I fell for it at the time and it set me back in my healing.

Once in my four year relationship, my ex dumped me for three months. I started dating someone else and all of a sudden, one day out of the blue I get an email from one of my ex's MANY email accounts with a "?"

?

A question mark was the only thing she typed. As I scrolled down I realized this was a very old email from a few years past. It was definitely an email that could apply to present tense but it was from three years past. I ignored it.

An hour later I got another email.

"Sorry to bother you. My email must have done a strange dump. I didn't realize this was from a year ago."

Stupid me replies: "No problem".

Which of course turned into an hour of emailing with her trying to get me to meet her for drinks (which I did) and of course then we ended up right back together again.

BPD's will use ANY tactic they can to re-establish contact. What I thought was an "accident" was VERY intentional. It was her way of "feeling me out" with a less chance of rejection (non face to face) which would send her off a cliff emotionally.

My ex used email in a VERY, VERY manipulative and somewhat dangerous way.

Many times she would forward me emails she had "doctored" from her sister. Her sister hated me (still does) and we work together (unfortunately). In these emails I thought her sister was coming around and warming towards me and "all was well", so when I invited her to a party for her sister (near the end of our relationship) she threatened to send me to HR for harassing her... .

which was VERY confusing to me and made me feel like I was going nuts.

!

My ex would tell her sister, her family how awful I was and then tell me they felt very different about me, loved me even! So I felt secure up until the very end of the relationship. While I was hurting (after her vicious discard for another) and trying to get answers, these people thought I was an insane stalker and wanted her to throw a RO on me.They had a very, very different opinion of me and who I really am.

But that was how I was being portrayed to others. I cannot blame them for believing a convincing liar, especially one that is their beloved daughter/sister.

On one occasion, after my ex cheated on me with another ex, she told me of another ex who was a very "good" friend of hers that wanted to come visit and meet me. This was her best friend. At the beginning of our relationship she called this person the "love of her life" so I was very hesitant to meet her, of course. To calm me, my ex forwarded me an email from this ex. I didn't check the email addresses or anything... .

I stupidly believed it.

In the email my ex asked her ex why she was visiting and stressed she was in love with me and found it strange she would want to come to Illinois for vacation when they hadn't seen each other in five years. In this email the ex replied she just missed her friendship and needed to get away for a bit, she herself was going through a divorce with the person she dated after our ex.

A few weeks later this ex came to visit over a weekend bringing along a friend. I remember we all went to a comedy club and this woman offered to drive. She was VERY prickly towards me and my ex was VERY affectionate towards me, kissing me and making sure her ex could see us in the rear view mirror.

That Sunday my ex and her ex decided to go take a walk in a forest preserve... ."to catch up". I was ok with it because nothing really was glaring to me or stood out other than the fact she wasn't very friendly (but I am very outgoing and this woman was very bookish and kinda nerdy---not to be mean but we were opposites).

Two weeks later I get left for this woman.
.

Turns out this woman was prickly because she was visiting to assess the situation between me and my ex. She was there to "rescue" our ex from the EVIL Pretty Woman. Keep in mind my ex also had left this ex for other people during their relationship, including for another ex she still communicates with to this day.

I titled this post "tricks up their sleeve" but they are only TRICKS if you allow yourself to be fooled.

Trust your gut instinct and if something doesn't seem right, investigate. It's not normal to constantly rotate your exes. Things happen in life and sometimes a relationship can be rekindled (successfully) at a later date. Maybe you were "too young" or other life circumstances interfered with your union the first time... .

but when you know your ex has cheated on others and she/he is still friends with these people... . because someday you will likely be that person. You will be part of a rotation from h e l l unless you remove yourself from the equation.

This woman ended up getting burned twice. She actually left her partner of five years to go back to her ex who dumped me for her... .and then ran back to me two weeks later. She had been "working" on this ex since the start of our relationship and it took her two years to secure her again, only to break up a marriage and leave her worse off than the first time they dated.

Be careful and again... .trust your instincts.

[Skip]

My ex used email in a VERY, VERY manipulative and somewhat dangerous way.

Can you describe better the manipulation (what did she get you to do that you didn't want to do, and how) and the danger (what danger were you in)?

[stimpy]

Once in my four year relationship, my ex dumped me for three months. I started dating someone else and all of a sudden, one day out of the blue I get an email from one of my ex's MANY email accounts with a "?"

?

A question mark was the only thing she typed.

Hi PW,

the last ever direct communication I got from my ex was in similar circumstances. I had been dumped, and it was around 2 months out, I had tried to talk to her but to no avail, so I sent her an email that it was time to move on, heal our wounds and find someone else, and the best way to do that was for us to not see each other again, and to respect each others desire to move on.

Hey presto, a week later, I get two emails one evening, one sent 5 minutes after the other (so I knew it wasn't a mistake) and both emails were blank!

How I am supposed to interpret a blank email?

Heaven only knows.

So I left it a few days, and just responded that I had received the emails, hoped she was well and left it like that.

I think she was testing the waters, seeing what response I was going to give and whether I was still attached. And yes, at the time I was only starting the process of detaching, hence the response. But really I should have just ignored it.

Sending a blank email, or one with just a "?" I think is really cowardly, it just reopens a dialogue, but without the risk (or maturity) of actually saying anything. It leaves the other person to do all the work, much like was the case during the relationship itself.

[Skip]

Sending a blank email, or one with just a "?" I think is really cowardly, it just reopens a dialogue, but without the risk... .

... .but without the risk of rejection. That is the point.

At the core of BPD is extreme rejection sensitivity.

That said, we all have rejection sensitivity and I think we all do this at times... .not necessarily send a "?" or blank sheet, but send an purposely ambiguous communication that provides us a way to save face or avoid feeling of rejection or ire.

How man members here do this by making contact to return something trivial, or send a birthday card after a break up, or just post something provoking on Facebook? Victorain women used to drop a hanky as a feeler.

There are things about people with BPD traits that are dysfunctional and even pathological. The over-valuation and the over-devaluation is one. Maintaining an emotional escape / hedging lover is another.

I'm not sure it helps us to tag "feelers" to BPD or think of it as pathology. People in all walks of life do this.

One of the hardest things to learn after a break up is what is "just human nature and stuff" and what is pathological. But it is really important to learn so that we are better skilled at reading other people in the future.

[stimpy]

One of the hardest things to learn after a break up is what is "just human nature and stuff" and what is pathological. But it is really important to learn so that we are better skilled at reading other people in the future.

Skip,

I hear you.

But at the same time, I have never received a blank email from anyone else, ever, and I have never sent a blank email to someone else. And I never will.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Skip, by manipulative and dangerous I mean by doctoring emails she led me to believe things were "fine" when in actuality she was creating a completely different narrative about me and leading people to believe I was dangerous. She was leading me into a lion's den blindfolded and I was a walking, talking filet mignon. Anything I did, even saying hi (to irrational people albeit) made me susceptible to an HR investigation and I had zero clue.

We are talking things like being a rapist, a thief. There was a genuine fear of me which affected my livelihood.

When our relationship ended I almost lost my job because her sister was so terrified of me, all based on these lies. If I walked down the same hallway I was "stalking". If I didn't make eye contact I was accused of "giving her a dirty look". We work on the same floor and share the same bathroom. I have also been slandered to co-workers and management.

In my situation,  "Birds of a Feather" is applicable. When my ex's sister started at my job the first thing she told me was how horrible her father was and how one of her children were accused of playing "doctor" with his younger cousin in a closet. To this day, the family is severely estranged.

I met my ex outside of work. It was a bizzare coincidence I even knew let alone worked with her sister. You know the saying, Small World? This was applicable. At the time her sister told me that very personal story I had empathy for her. I thought she was a nice person and felt very priveleged that she would share something so personal with someone she had just met. Once I started dating her sister she was completely different towards me.

Now, years later I see that in itself was a red flag. Who tells someone a story like that upon first meeting? She was playing the victim and wanted me to sympathize from the get go. That is not a normal conversation to have with someone you JUST met. She also told how her husband left her pregnant for her best friend who he is now married to. Again, I thought, "Wow, poor girl" and felt honored to be an ear to her stories but again... .I didn't know her.

So I see now, no matter what I would have been the persecutor in this situation with my ex. Unfortunately, I almost lost my job over false accusations and this turned my world upside down. I love my job and have been able to recover, however I may never reach my full potential there because of what was said about me to management and I have resentment over that. I won't lie. The anger I hold onto is because I could have lost my job over this.

Please note: I was not forced to respond to any email. I did that on my own will and I take responsibility for that. The sad thing is persons with BPD do not take ANY responsibility and leave their ex's holding the bag so to speak, often leaving them in situations so manipulated they are almost impossible to correct or even attempt to.