Welcome to BPD Family Borsyah. I'm sorry to hear about your rough journey, the abuse and threats you've endured.
I don't really know why i am writing here, i just feel like i have to share. Sorry for the long post, I can already tell it's going to get long but i will try to keep it in check.
I understand that you feel more than confused, but you don't need to excuse yourself. I felt the same when making my first post approx 4 months ago! Remember that you've been abused. We feel lonely and maybe shameful, guiltridden, when leaving a relationship like this. It's ok. You're here now.
the times that i stood my ground were always met with an incredible fight
I know how this feels. Your showing that you have boundaries wasn't appreciated. We've all been through it. To be accused of cheating etc feels very bad in the first place, trying to convince/explain to someone this unstable that there is no reason for thinking/feeling so will in most cases generate further angst and anger. We need skills that most of us know nothing about at the time.
You say that it's been one week since you broke up with her, for how long have you been seeing your psychiatrist?
I've tried to be a nice person my whole life and honestly i regret it, this would never have happened if i wasn't caring, patient and all these other things that i took pride in being.
Can I ask you, is it your being caring and patient that you regret, or this relationship itself? You needn't go down a bitter road now. I have had similar thoughts about myself, so I know where you're coming from. I suggest you care for those who can honestly
take it and
appreciate it, such as the friends you say have been invaluable in their support. That way you will get the same in return.
I can relate to the worries you have now after the break up. Don't be hard on yourself, these things take time. And keep posting and reading!
/Keef