Happy to have found the forum

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everybody
I am a man in my late twenties and a week ago i broke up with a girl that i am positive has BPD. When the relationship ended I did a lot of reading online about some signs and behaviours that i noticed in the relationship, when i read about BPD I was astounded. I swear her behavior ticks every box, and the stories that i have read on this forum have made me positive she has a borderline personality disorder.
I don't really know why i am writing here, i just feel like i have to share. Sorry for the long post, I can already tell it's going to get long but i will try to keep it in check.
We have a mutual friend who introduced us, i never knew she was anything but a stable successful person. In fact I never felt like I had a chance with someone like her, incredibly beautiful as well. It is not until several months after we first meet that she starts contacting me, she was always in a relationship and so was i. But at the time she contacted me we were both single, she probably contacted me because she knew that. We had chemistry from the moment we met months earlier.

We meet up for coffee 2 times and then we decide to meet up during a night on the town. Needless to say we hook up. She moves to another state literally the next day but we stay in touch. We talk every day and decide to meet up a couple of times over the next few months, i visit her and everything is going well, except she is already at that point texting other guys. I tell her I don't like it and it stops (she told me). She tells me she is depressed and i write a lot of her behavior on that. We continue a long distance relationship that was very difficult with her accusing me of flirting with other girls and every time I had something important at work or had made plans there was a problem. Something came up and if i wouldn't take the phone i was threatened with a break-up or worse, her talking about ending her life. I buckled many times, and the times that i stood my ground were always met with an incredible fight, some problem that was always my fault in her eyes. I realize it now that when she felt left alone that triggered her in to abusing me.

Despite of all these red flags i hung in there, I didn't have a lot of experience with relationships and i was thrilled to be with someone as beautiful and smart as her. I then decide to quit my job and travel to her city to start a live with her. The abuse only got worse, basically everything i had confided in her was used against me, my insecurities were her ammo. She even got me to question my friends and family and pressured me to delete some of my friends from facebook, which i luckily never did. They have proved to be invaluable for me since the break-up. Almost immediately after moving in to her house the physical abuse starts, she repeatedly punched me when i was trying to leave (after she told me to leave), that happened 2 times it left me with black eyes and cuts in my face. I cant believe how i thought at the time that this could somehow be salvaged. It got to the point that one day i decided to leave, she went over to her familys house and i packed my stuff and left, traveled back home.

Since then i have been seeing a psychiatrist that literally told me i was dangerously codependent (sounds about right). I am doing al-anon and i feel it really helps me. I keep busy with training, reading, working, seeing friends, just keeping my mind busy and doing things that make me feel good. I feel so lucky i dont live in the same city as her and since i blocked her from every media i can think of i dont hear from her. However i feel the urge to know what she is doing, and it really bothers me knowing that she was maybe cheating on me the whole time (she even told me "you have no idea what i was doing while you weren't here". I've tried to be a nice person my whole life and honestly i regret it, this would never have happened if i wasn't caring, patient and all these other things that i took pride in being. The loneliness gets to me too and the thought that maybe i will be alone forever. Maybe i am so damaged that the only woman that will end up wanting me is someone damaged as well, like my chance of a normal relationship has gone by and its my fault for having been this nice guy with no self esteem for too long.

But, having had this experience has certainly forced me to take a look at myself and really put effort in to becoming a better person, to value myself more and really go after the things that i want instead of just drifting along and "have things happen to me"

A big thanks to the forum, some invaluable info here. I know where to go now when i'm feeling down.
Best of luck to you all

[Borsyah]

Hi everybody
I am a man in my late twenties and a week ago i broke up with a girl that i am positive has BPD. When the relationship ended I did a lot of reading online about some signs and behaviours that i noticed in the relationship, when i read about BPD I was astounded. I swear her behavior ticks every box, and the stories that i have read on this forum have made me positive she has a borderline personality disorder.
I don't really know why i am writing here, i just feel like i have to share. Sorry for the long post, I can already tell it's going to get long but i will try to keep it in check.
We have a mutual friend who introduced us, i never knew she was anything but a stable successful person. In fact I never felt like I had a chance with someone like her, incredibly beautiful as well. It is not until several months after we first meet that she starts contacting me, she was always in a relationship and so was i. But at the time she contacted me we were both single, she probably contacted me because she knew that. We had chemistry from the moment we met months earlier.

We meet up for coffee 2 times and then we decide to meet up during a night on the town. Needless to say we hook up. She moves to another state literally the next day but we stay in touch. We talk every day and decide to meet up a couple of times over the next few months, i visit her and everything is going well, except she is already at that point texting other guys. I tell her I don't like it and it stops (she told me). She tells me she is depressed and i write a lot of her behavior on that. We continue a long distance relationship that was very difficult with her accusing me of flirting with other girls and every time I had something important at work or had made plans there was a problem. Something came up and if i wouldn't take the phone i was threatened with a break-up or worse, her talking about ending her life. I buckled many times, and the times that i stood my ground were always met with an incredible fight, some problem that was always my fault in her eyes. I realize it now that when she felt left alone that triggered her in to abusing me.

Despite of all these red flags i hung in there, I didn't have a lot of experience with relationships and i was thrilled to be with someone as beautiful and smart as her. I then decide to quit my job and travel to her city to start a live with her. The abuse only got worse, basically everything i had confided in her was used against me, my insecurities were her ammo. She even got me to question my friends and family and pressured me to delete some of my friends from facebook, which i luckily never did. They have proved to be invaluable for me since the break-up. Almost immediately after moving in to her house the physical abuse starts, she repeatedly punched me when i was trying to leave (after she told me to leave), that happened 2 times it left me with black eyes and cuts in my face. I cant believe how i thought at the time that this could somehow be salvaged. It got to the point that one day i decided to leave, she went over to her familys house and i packed my stuff and left, traveled back home.

Since then i have been seeing a psychiatrist that literally told me i was dangerously codependent (sounds about right). I am doing al-anon and i feel it really helps me. I keep busy with training, reading, working, seeing friends, just keeping my mind busy and doing things that make me feel good. I feel so lucky i dont live in the same city as her and since i blocked her from every media i can think of i dont hear from her. However i feel the urge to know what she is doing, and it really bothers me knowing that she was maybe cheating on me the whole time (she even told me "you have no idea what i was doing while you weren't here". I've tried to be a nice person my whole life and honestly i regret it, this would never have happened if i wasn't caring, patient and all these other things that i took pride in being. The loneliness gets to me too and the thought that maybe i will be alone forever. Maybe i am so damaged that the only woman that will end up wanting me is someone damaged as well, like my chance of a normal relationship has gone by and its my fault for having been this nice guy with no self esteem for too long.

But, having had this experience has certainly forced me to take a look at myself and really put effort in to becoming a better person, to value myself more and really go after the things that i want instead of just drifting along and "have things happen to me"

A big thanks to the forum, some invaluable info here. I know where to go now when i'm feeling down.
Best of luck to you all

[Keef]

 
Welcome to BPD Family Borsyah. I'm sorry to hear about your rough journey, the abuse and threats you've endured.

I don't really know why i am writing here, i just feel like i have to share. Sorry for the long post, I can already tell it's going to get long but i will try to keep it in check.

I understand that you feel more than confused, but you don't need to excuse yourself. I felt the same when making my first post approx 4 months ago! Remember that you've been abused. We feel lonely and maybe shameful, guiltridden, when leaving a relationship like this. It's ok. You're here now.

the times that i stood my ground were always met with an incredible fight

I know how this feels. Your showing that you have boundaries wasn't appreciated. We've all been through it. To be accused of cheating etc feels very bad in the first place, trying to convince/explain to someone this unstable that there is no reason for thinking/feeling so will in most cases generate further angst and anger. We need skills that most of us know nothing about at the time.

You say that it's been one week since you broke up with her, for how long have you been seeing your psychiatrist?

I've tried to be a nice person my whole life and honestly i regret it, this would never have happened if i wasn't caring, patient and all these other things that i took pride in being.

Can I ask you, is it your being caring and patient that you regret, or this relationship itself? You needn't go down a bitter road now. I have had similar thoughts about myself, so I know where you're coming from. I suggest you care for those who can honestly take it and appreciate it, such as the friends you say have been invaluable in their support. That way you will get the same in return.

I can relate to the worries you have now after the break up. Don't be hard on yourself, these things take time. And keep posting and reading!

/Keef

[Borsyah]

Thank you Keef
I have seen a therapist maybe 5 times, once after breakup (and going NC). The other 4 times we were discussing the relationship among other things. Funny thing is the therapist already explained the situation for me but i was too stubborn to leave yet. I guess sometimes we need a really hard hit before snapping into reality and putting ourselves first.
I went overboard in my post stating that i regret having been caring and patient, i know that is not the case although sometimes it feels like it. In fact i think there will be a time when i will not even regret the relationship, it has forced me to really do some soul searching, to figure out who i am and what i want. There is some good that comes from all of this. This experience is something that i can never change but i do have the power to decide what to do with it. I aim to learn from it.