2011 to now

[yogabrain]

I am not new to the bpdfamily. Back in 2011, after a typical abrupt breakup,  I found this site.  At that time I was engaged to a man who I strongly suspected was an upBPD.  It was one of the worse times of my life. ... until now.  As is obvious,  I got back together with him in 2012... .the BPD "thing" conveniently disappeared from my mind... .to the extent that we got married late in 2013.  It was not his idea... .it was all mine.  I was set in believing that due to the heavily evidence of many of his primary relatives suffering with bipolar, I was going to make sure it would go away with meds.  No... .the meds were either non effective or the wrong ones.  Nothing helped.  If I hadnt noticed the big pink elephant in the room (intimacy only a few times a year), I wouldn't have pushed for drs... meds... etc. We're both in our mid 50s... .and have been together for almost 12 years (breakups in between,  of course ).a few months ago, he found a new psychiatrist and therapist.  He was finally diagnosed with low levels of Bipolar and many characteristics of BPD.  I didn't want to be right.   This feels like a death sentence. ... there is no intimacy. ... and a lot of circular arguments.   My emotional  needs are meaninglessness to him.  I left last week and I'm staying at a friend's home.
All he does now is say... .I'm BPD... what do you want from me?.  I was so fed up that I brought up divorce... .he didn't behave like he was afraid of losing me... .only talked about being terrified of being alone .  He says that he loves.e but that I seem to want a love that he cannot give.  Heck... .all I really want, at this point, is a hug.  He has seen me beg, cry, and be his therapist. ... it doesn't fase him.  He's had app 4 sessions with the new therapist,  but... .has never taken the time to research this condition. ... so.I'm back... eyes wide open... saying a prayer that maybe therapy will work.  How long should I wait? I'm as scared as he is.  My apologies for this very long post

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi yogabrain,

Welcome back 

My SO's D19 is bipolar/BPD. It's quite a combination.

Have you read In Search of the Real Self by James Masterson? That helped me understand what was driving the pwBPD fear of being alone, why it is so acute.

Creating an environment that is more or less stable and secure can make a difference. PwBPD tend to externalize emotions, so relationship skills that help create a feeling of security, adequacy, validation -- these can improve the relationship.

If you are scared, he will be too. If you take care of yourself, he may be more inclined to care for himself.

We're here to walk with you.

LnL

[yogabrain]

Thank you livedandlearned.  I am not sure how I can handle this and use the tools effectively because when I was last on here, I was at the "surviving a broken rs with a BPD and I didn't learn tools.  I was just trying to understand and trying to confirm that I wasn't "crazy". 

This time, I am joining a local support group, but I was already made aware that BPD groups are one of the toughest emotional groups.  I am sure that I will do ok.  The other issue is that I so wish that his BP was more closely diagnosed because I do believe that BP is a major component.  But... .as I type this, I realize that all I am saying is "If I fix this,I will be ok".  No... .I retract.  I must focus on myself.  Tomorrow a manicure, the day after a new hairstyle... .and I may even buy a pair of shoes!

[livednlearned]

I must focus on myself.  Tomorrow a manicure, the day after a new hairstyle... .and I may even buy a pair of shoes!

 

Def get the shoes!

I know what you mean about feeling crazy yourself.

The tools or skills or whatever -- they may start off being about the pwBPD. For me, they became so much more. The satisfaction learning to skillfully communicate with someone who is prone to emotional arousal and dysregulation cannot be overstated.

It does not cure them, of course.

And if you feel like things are going off the rails and need some self-care, there are always manicures. 

LnL