I'm lost

[Freakedout66]

I've been in a relationship for 1.5 years with someone I'm convince is BPD and we've been on and off a few times; right now we  are off.  I am in love with her, but I have the most difficult time managing the rage, accusations, and blatant distortions of what may have happened or was said.  I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm doubting myself.  The anger and rage come out of nowhere and it lasts for days.  I feel like a week doesn't go by when my intentions or feelings aren't questioned.  She focuses on what she perceives is the truth when it couldn't be further from the truth.  She accused me of not thinking about the future or not making her a priority.  No matter what I do, no matter what I plan months down the road, it doesn't seem to be enough.  My head is spinning right now and I'm completely wiped out. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Freakedout66,



I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how emotionally exhausting all of this would feel, my ex wife used to rage at me and I wish I knew then what I know now, but we can only live in the present. I'll try to answer your questions.

I feel like a week doesn't go by when my intentions or feelings aren't questioned.

That's great that you joined a support group, it helps to talk to other people that are just like you. It helps to read as much as the disorder, the behaviors are not something that a pwBPD have control over, it's not personal to us.

ApwBPD anticipate that all of the people that they care about are going to abandon them and are hypervigilant with rejection real or perceived, she doesn't trust herself and doesn't trust others.

She focuses on what she perceives is the truth when it couldn't be further from the truth.

A pwBPD will generally offer negative feedback about you and that's not an accurate picture of you, you're not all one side or the other. Someone that alters reality often is a sign of mental illness, I know how frustrating it can feel when you try to talk to your pwBPD they reject what you're saying, I used to try to convince my ex wife, but if she thinks that the sky is red, to her in her mind that's factual, I won't JADE ( Justify,Explain, Defend or Explain ) if that's what she believes then fine. Reality is open to debate, emotions and feelings are real.

 My head is spinning right now and I'm completely wiped out.

What do you for self care? What do you when you're not with her, do go on outings with friends and family?

[Freakedout66]

Thanks Mutt. It's nice to hear I'm not crazy. It's been so frustrating. I like the JADE reference. As for self care, I exercise and try to take time to myself. I feel guilty talking behind her back but I thought I was losing my mind.

[Mutt]

Hi Freakedout66,

Do you feel guilty for wanting her back?

[Freakedout66]

Can't say that I feel guilty. I'm very angry because everything she says or does she attributes to something she claims I said or did. I love her and wanted to spend my life with her. The chaos, however, was killing me.

[Mutt]

That's BPD, it's a persecution complex where the person believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others. I understand that my ex wife thinks so lowly the of herself that she can't cope with negative feelings about herself, she blames others.

She can say whatever she wants about me, it's easier because we're divorced and we don't live together but her opinion about me doesn't define me. She taught me to stop taking things personally, I remember how incredibly frustrating that it was at the time but something else she taught me, it takes two to tango it takes one stop it.

[Freakedout66]

So simple and you are absolutely correct. I guess it will just take time. The more I think about the more I realize the signs were always there. I planned a trip to the Caymans. Her "therapist" apparently said something about being travel buddies. That turned into my girlfriend accusing me of using her for sex, wanting to get back with my ex-wife, and not sharing enough of my deep secrets. I felt like I got run over by a truck.

[livednlearned]

Her "therapist" apparently said something about being travel buddies. That turned into my girlfriend accusing me of using her for sex, wanting to get back with my ex-wife, and not sharing enough of my deep secrets. I felt like I got run over by a truck.

Is this the source or cause of the recent separation?

[Freakedout66]

It started a month-long spiral.

[livednlearned]

How did you respond to her?

[Freakedout66]

The initial outburst?  I told her that I understood how that the therapist statement would be uncomfortable but that I wasn't using her for sex.  That we had discussed this before (it wasn't the first time).  I said that when we travel together we are a force together. Then she went into a tirade about what my definition of partnership is and that I'm not a good partner because I won't tell her everything I tell my therapist. I explained to her that some things are just very personal. She kept pushing. I used the example of what I have told her and what happened with my marriage. She accused me of wanting to get back together with my ex; I've been divorced 11 years. We have a child together. After repeatedly being told that I'm not being a good partner I said some things just aren't your business. Probably a poor choice. She continued with the text assault and finally I said that I had to get back to work. I got the silent no contact treatment for a week.

[livednlearned]

That conversation took place by text? That's pretty intense for text 

It sounds like it's easy to JADE with her (justify, argue, defend, explain). People with BPD are quick to trigger (emotional arousal) and slow to return to baseline.

She feels insecure because you not only have an ex-wife, you have a child with her. That's a tough situation to be in for someone who is extremely emotionally hypersensitive. Being BPD, she will be prone to cognitive distortions when she is dysregulated.

Have you tried validation with her? This might help prevent things from getting worse.

[Freakedout66]

Yes she's a texting  fiend. I have begged and pleaded not to do things by text. She rarely calls me bc a prior boyfriend didn't like her calling too much. I've tried validation.  I've completely opened my life to her. She has a key to my house. I even told her I bought a ring so she would believe I'm serious. She feels like she is not a priority. She expects to be #1. I call every day, many times more than once. I had planned two trips alone with her for this year. I feel like I plan everything (trips, weekends) and she sits back.  I have a job that requires me to work a lot and I have responsibility to my child. She accuses me of not being to let her in, but she doesn't do anything to show me she wants in. Then she blames me and says she doesn't want to bother me.

So now I'm sitting on a diamond ring. This is not our first breakup. But I'm afraid it might be our last. She's 36... .when will it change?