Was anyone "attached at the hip" to their borderline.

[alwayswrong4]

For nearly two years I spent about a total of 10 nights without her. On top of that she worked for me, went to the gym daily and ate nearly every meal with me... this actually worked out in the end for me at least. She didn't cost me any money in fact she made me a lot.

Even though we were together sometimes at work, I'd give her space. She was the one who quit her job to help me with a business I started, I didn't ask her to.

I was spending a lot of time with her and for the first 1.5 years it went good but then something triggered devalue and discard and nearly two years in the relationship the girl I spent nearly every day with left me and here I am 4 months post b/u.

I don't think I would've been able to be with this kind of woman any other way... .I always had a feeling she'd leave me someday so I didn't trust her completely. So living with her was the only way I would trust her and I know that's a horrible situation but it's the truth. She moved in my place the second month I knew her and nearly spent everyday together since the day we met.

It's made it extra hard to deal with the break up.  She was like an extension of me. I spent so much freaking time explaining to people after she left where my second half was.

Now before you say I have codependency issues I want you to know this is the first relationship I've ever had like this. I know I was codependent but she made me her codependent and it was a roller coaster ride I'd never been on so I guess you could say I didn't know what I was getting into.

Most guys couldn't have provided this type of scenario for their BPD so I wonder what the situations were like for those of you who spent a lot of time with their BPDexgfs/ bfs.
I was just wondering if anyone else had the same experience and what it was like.

[See Rainbows]

Hi Alwayswrong     

Yes, although I was married and together much longer, we became each other's identity. Codependency at its best. That's why it's so hard now after we are separated. We have to find ourselves again. And that sucks, especially when you thought you had your life mapped out. But I'm much more healthier now, physically and mentally, not being in it. And now I'm dealing with my ex trying to pull me back into it because he misses me. It's still a struggle. I guess all we can do is take it as a learning experience.

Hope you can find some clarity in your situation. I at least am happy I'm off the 'daily' rollercoaster. It's no way to life a life.

[cantmoveon]

Yes to pretty much every part of your post. It went from mutual clinging/obsession (with the occasional strange warning sign), to rapid devaluation, to abandonment.

I had the same "I'm so lucky, she's so perfect, I can't believe it, I won't believe it until she lives with me" thoughts but unlike you they didn't end up being financially profitable (moved across the country with no job lined up to be with her and was treated like dirt upon arrival... .). A false sense of security to say the least. If yours was anything like mine then it was a constant unspoken battle where you tried to block off potential escapes and she kept enough secrets that the escapes were always still there.

[marti644]

We were also attached at the hip. Spent four to five days a week together. Felt magical at first. Then I felt stifled, as all her drama began wearing on me. The last month I started rebalancing the relationship to spend more time for myself and other people. Realize now it was a signal of abandonment for her. She found her replacement at that time. Thank God I followed my intuition. It led me away from that dark path. It all led us away.

[earlyL]

The last month I started rebalancing the relationship to spend more time for myself and other people. Realize now it was a signal of abandonment for her. She found her replacement at that time.

Absolutely the same story for me, we moved in after two months, I have no idea why that didn't raise concern for me, but I was so in love I thought, and I had been single for five years, so I guess that does explain it. I too started feeling overwhelmed and backed off slightly, and that is when she found the replacement, who I have just watched them flaunt themselves together (four weeks after split, where she laughed at me and said she didn't have anyone lined up). It is odd to watch them now be attached at the hip, but in some ways I also take solace in it and can see it for what it is. Well, on the good days.

[vortex of confusion]

Attached at the hip is an understatement. . .

Ex didn't want to do anything without me. He was in a band and I had to go to band practice with him every weekend. I really enjoyed it some of the time. Other times, I didn't feel up to going. If I mentioned that I didn't want to go, he would tell me that he would tell the band that he couldn't make it to practice. That put me in a situation where I felt like I had to go.

And then, when I was at work, he would text or email me non-stop. He had to tell me every single thing that was going on at home. When I started putting up some boundaries and trying to back off, he would get upset and demand to know why I didn't respond right away. Um, I was at work.

I felt like I couldn't do anything without him. If I even tried to do something without him, he would text or call the whole time so that I had a difficult time enjoying myself. It felt like he was lurking no matter what I tried to do. Even going to the kids' room to try to have a private conversation with one of the kids left him paranoid and upset. He couldn't hear me when I spoke directly to him yet if I was in the kids' room talking to them, he would come in and demand to know what we were talking about and why. There was no privacy. He wanted to be a part of everything that I was doing or thinking. Any attempt on my part to create some kind of separation and do stuff without him was met with resistance.

[FSTL]

We were also attached at the hip. Spent four to five days a week together. Felt magical at first. Then I felt stifled, as all her drama began wearing on me. The last month I started rebalancing the relationship to spend more time for myself and other people. Realize now it was a signal of abandonment for her. She found her replacement at that time. Thank God I followed my intuition. It led me away from that dark path. It all led us away.

Mine cheated on me and tried to leave twice when I was on a holiday with my kids or a fishing trip with my friend. She and I spent plenty of time together in the lead up (a very nice holiday), I gave her massive reassurances, etc. But she barely lasted a day and couldn't stand being alone and later told me how I "wasn't available" or made up some crap about me leaving her if we had kids... .she made the facts fit her betryal - and then later came crawling back.

I think abandonment played a big part - another time she cheated on me was when I had a meeting with my ex... .she was obsessed with me going back to her and got a big FU in before I did (even though I didn't... .).

[alwayswrong4]

Mine cheated on me and tried to leave twice when I was on a holiday with my kids or a fishing trip with my friend. She and I spent plenty of time together in the lead up (a very nice holiday), I gave her massive reassurances, etc. But she barely lasted a day and couldn't stand being alone and later told me how I "wasn't available" or made up some crap about me leaving her if we had kids... .she made the facts fit her betryal - and then later came crawling back.

I think abandonment played a big part - another time she cheated on me was when I had a meeting with my ex... .she was obsessed with me going back to her and got a big FU in before I did (even though I didn't... .).

Mine was literally with me everyday, nearly all day... there was rarely ever a time I couldn't accoutrements for her... the only time I  our two year relationship she was by herself was when she was visiting family in another state... and it's not like she even had a car to use. Low and behold I think she found a way to cheat on me when visiting her parents... a guy who lived in florida she knew who was 3 hours south...

I am kind of impressed that in the total of 10 days she was visiting her ill Mother in another state where she knew no one... she found one guy she did know who wasn't even within 3 hours of a drive of her and managed to meet up with him...

I only think this because she recently left the state we lived in and moved to florida.

I don't have any solid proof of it but it just seems kind of weird the last two times she visited her parent before we broke up... she was really distant... the first of those two times is when the devaluation stage began in our relationship... 1.5 years in... it totally caught me off guard.

[balletomane]

My ex broke up with me in a fit of paranoia, accusing me of cheating on him and abusing him, and within days was asking me to move in with him. I took this to mean that he still cared about me and he hadn't meant any of the awful things he'd said, and I was happy and filled with relief... .but I still declined. I was OK with us resuming our relationship as if nothing had happened, but I had a feeling that living together would be bad news. I said that it would be impractical for my work, which he grudgingly accepted. He moved in with two classmates instead, and ended up cheating on me with one of them and then calmly telling me that he was now in a relationship with her, getting puzzled and irritated and finally furious when I got upset and stayed upset. So I can't say that we were joined at the hip, exactly - we lived apart and he had plenty of opportunities to cheat, which I am now sure he took full advantage of. But we were certainly joined at the neurones, or so it felt to me. Even though we lived separately I constructed my whole day around him. Any time off I had I'd try to spend with him, or he'd sulk or turn vicious. I'd cancel plans with other friends at the last minute if he told me he wanted to see me. Of course, this wasn't two-way - he had a social life independently of me, but he would get angry and suspicious if I spent time with other friends when he wanted me with him.