Nearing one year out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I left my uBPD a year ago after 10 years together.  I had to leave everything I own behind and still haven't got much of it back and likely never will.  In spite of a detailed journal of his drinking and abuse and 47 recordings of him dysregulating at me and our children, he managed to lie and manipulate and make it look like I was crazy and he was perfect in court.  The ones who suffer the most are our 3 children.  They are doing better, but do not want to see him and it kills me to have to leave them with him.  I do my best to encourage them and not talk bad about him, but they experience his controlling and manipulating and can see right through it.

I am feeling much better, most of the time.  Financially I am doing well, considering I started with absolutely nothing.  I still miss him. A lot.  Too much for a sane person!  I still feel like I will never get over him.  I have to see him and talk to him about the children several times a week.  Oh how I wish I could go NC!  It rips my heart out every time I drop off or pick up our children at our home that he lives in and I am not allowed inside of anymore.  I have to drive past my cow barn and chicken house and flowers and garden.  Things are much better and I keep reminding myself, but I still miss the good parts of our life.  I do not miss the abuse of myself and the children!

His mother died 2 days ago (she is likely in large part why he is BPD) so he has been calling me and talking about things.  He honestly feels like he did nothing wrong in our relationship and pretty much all his close relationships (that are all ruined by his controlling, abusive behaviors).  I just listen in amazement and don't say much.  He honestly believes he did nothing wrong!  And then I hate myself for loving him and feeling sorry for him.

In my mind I know the truth, but my heart can't seem to get it.  I am 50 and have 9 children, including a 2 year old, and work with people young enough to be my children (my oldest son is 27).  So I feel like I will never meet anyone.  And even if I did find someone, not sure if I could trust or love again.  And I dread the day he finds someone else.

Thanks for listening to my whining!  You are the only ones who can understand.  My family is great and supportive, but do not understand and just hate him.  If anyone has tips on how to move past this I would love to hear them!

[LilMe]

I left my uBPD a year ago after 10 years together.  I had to leave everything I own behind and still haven't got much of it back and likely never will.  In spite of a detailed journal of his drinking and abuse and 47 recordings of him dysregulating at me and our children, he managed to lie and manipulate and make it look like I was crazy and he was perfect in court.  The ones who suffer the most are our 3 children.  They are doing better, but do not want to see him and it kills me to have to leave them with him.  I do my best to encourage them and not talk bad about him, but they experience his controlling and manipulating and can see right through it.

I am feeling much better, most of the time.  Financially I am doing well, considering I started with absolutely nothing.  I still miss him. A lot.  Too much for a sane person!  I still feel like I will never get over him.  I have to see him and talk to him about the children several times a week.  Oh how I wish I could go NC!  It rips my heart out every time I drop off or pick up our children at our home that he lives in and I am not allowed inside of anymore.  I have to drive past my cow barn and chicken house and flowers and garden.  Things are much better and I keep reminding myself, but I still miss the good parts of our life.  I do not miss the abuse of myself and the children!

His mother died 2 days ago (she is likely in large part why he is BPD) so he has been calling me and talking about things.  He honestly feels like he did nothing wrong in our relationship and pretty much all his close relationships (that are all ruined by his controlling, abusive behaviors).  I just listen in amazement and don't say much.  He honestly believes he did nothing wrong!  And then I hate myself for loving him and feeling sorry for him.

In my mind I know the truth, but my heart can't seem to get it.  I am 50 and have 9 children, including a 2 year old, and work with people young enough to be my children (my oldest son is 27).  So I feel like I will never meet anyone.  And even if I did find someone, not sure if I could trust or love again.  And I dread the day he finds someone else.

Thanks for listening to my whining!  You are the only ones who can understand.  My family is great and supportive, but do not understand and just hate him.  If anyone has tips on how to move past this I would love to hear them!

[vortex of confusion]

   

I wanted to offer you some hugs of support.

One thing that stood out is, "So I feel like I will never meet anyone." I have been trying really hard to sit with this fact and be okay with it being just me and my kids. I am trying to get to a place where I am enough all by myself.

How would you feel if he admitted his wrong doings? Would that change anything for you?

For me, ex has admitted to what he has done. It didn't change anything at all for me. It didn't erase the pain. It didn't make me feel an ounce better. Heck, if anything, it made me feel even more crazy because it had me questioning my own sanity and my own reality again. Whoa, maybe he wasn't as bad as I thought he was.

I think the best way to move past this is to keep plugging along. Find fun things for you and the kids to do together. What do you like to do that makes you feel good? It is one day at a time with some days being better than others. It is looking for small things to do to take care of yourself. Indulge in a nice soak in the tub. Listen to your favorite music. Write, read, dance, find something that feeds your spirit and takes the focus off of him and what he is doing or thinking. I know how easy it is to say and how unbelievably hard it is to do, especially when you are having to deal with him because of the kids. There are days when I will be feeling awesome and happy only to have a text from him come in and get me in a funk.

Hang in there and take care of you!