Finding Out as an Adult that Your Mother Was Borderline

[SerenityPeace]

Due to stress from my husband's recent illness, I decided to go for therapy. In the course of speaking to the therapist about my past difficulties with my mom who is now deceased, she felt that my mom was borderline. As I ran down the checklist, I was amazed by how many of the characteristics fit my mother! I am trying to come to terms with this revelation which is both a source of relief and sadness. I blamed myself for so many of my past difficulties and now realize that I was very resilient to be where I am today! My guilt for not feeling closer to my mom is gone now. I'd love to hear about other adult children's similar experiences.

[Turkish]

The break up with the mother of my children brought me here.  After maybe a year,  I started thinking about my mother and joined this board.  I shared my arm-chair Dx of my ex with my mom,  who replied, "of course she's BPD!" I think my mom concluded this privately early on.  I didn't think too much of it.  She was an RN, so it wasn't odd that she may have heard of BPD. I had known for over 20 years that she was clinically depressed. And a Hoarder. Maybe a year later,  my mom admitted she was BPD.

Mind. Blown.

But not really.  I also felt angry though I'd already "diagnosed" my mother. 

Though you said the guilt is gone, what drives the sadness?

Not all of us, but I'd say a lot suffered or do from guilt. These feelings can be hard to deal with,  but you're not alone 

[yadi04]

I think I get the sadness part. Finding out that a parent is ill and that is what drives their behaviors takes away the guilt, because intellectually you can recognize its not your fault (even though emotionally it might still be there due to years of being told it was!) However, that does't take away the sadness that comes with having to accept you will likely never get the mother-child relationship you may want.