Had enough, need help.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last night I hung up the phone on my BPD mother and I think this is 'it'.  This is not the first time, I have had 'no contact' twice before, but that was over a decade ago.  I got back in touch with my mother when I was pregnant with my daughter 10 years ago and had an incredibly difficult relationship since then, last night was the final straw.

A few weeks ago my Step father (not BPD but clueless to the reality of my mother, he appeared on the scene when I was an adult and has always been told I am the problem) had a life threatening health issue and ended up in hospital needing surgery.  Of course this situation has been all about my BPD mother and about how much attention can be garnered, little concern voiced for my step dad, but all about how she is so stressed etc.  She has posted every detail of his condition and treatment on facebook to her hundreds of 'friends' in a highly inappropriate manner, and she has also used Facebook to make passive aggressive remarks about me and my husband and how we're not supporting her.  

In the days following my stepdad's admission to hospital she was begging for help and I suggested we ask social services to step in to assist her with my elderly grandfather who she lives with.  She agreed and I spent a lot of time on the phone setting it up (at work in a new job which was rather awkward), they arranged to start visiting my grandfather and then she told me she didn't want the help and bad mouthed me to social services.  Obviously they believed her manipulation and rang me back sharply telling me not to interfere. I was incredibly angry and when I confronted her about it on the phone she put it down on me.

It got to the point that I had to unfriend her on Facebook and I told her in the nicest way I could that I didn't feel it was how I wanted to communicate with her.  Having removed her from social media my anxiety has been much better (I haven't been able to come off facebook as it's an integral part of my job).  

Since then she has been constantly asking to be friends again on facebook, or making snide remarks about how we're not friends.  She says she feel hurt and missing out on my life (because she will never ring me, just 'like' stuff on facebook or use messenger), so last night I rang her up to tell her exactly why I have unfriended her.  I'm afraid, she lit a touch paper with her comments to me "You haven't been there for me" etc... .and I just let it all out and told her exactly what I thought about everything, a few years of bottling up just came out on the phone.

I know I should have tried to maintain the upper hand and not feed her thirst for drama, but I have honestly reached the end of my tether.  This woman has emotionally abused me for 39 years and the only sanity and 'near' happiness I have had was when we had no contact.  

Now I'm in a position (which I was in all those years ago) where I'm anxious about her turning up or texting and, at the same time, feeling guilt for upsetting her - the truth hurts mum.

I hate being put in this position again and again and again and not sure where to go from here.

[oodles1977]

Last night I hung up the phone on my BPD mother and I think this is 'it'.  This is not the first time, I have had 'no contact' twice before, but that was over a decade ago.  I got back in touch with my mother when I was pregnant with my daughter 10 years ago and had an incredibly difficult relationship since then, last night was the final straw.

A few weeks ago my Step father (not BPD but clueless to the reality of my mother, he appeared on the scene when I was an adult and has always been told I am the problem) had a life threatening health issue and ended up in hospital needing surgery.  Of course this situation has been all about my BPD mother and about how much attention can be garnered, little concern voiced for my step dad, but all about how she is so stressed etc.  She has posted every detail of his condition and treatment on facebook to her hundreds of 'friends' in a highly inappropriate manner, and she has also used Facebook to make passive aggressive remarks about me and my husband and how we're not supporting her.  

In the days following my stepdad's admission to hospital she was begging for help and I suggested we ask social services to step in to assist her with my elderly grandfather who she lives with.  She agreed and I spent a lot of time on the phone setting it up (at work in a new job which was rather awkward), they arranged to start visiting my grandfather and then she told me she didn't want the help and bad mouthed me to social services.  Obviously they believed her manipulation and rang me back sharply telling me not to interfere. I was incredibly angry and when I confronted her about it on the phone she put it down on me.

It got to the point that I had to unfriend her on Facebook and I told her in the nicest way I could that I didn't feel it was how I wanted to communicate with her.  Having removed her from social media my anxiety has been much better (I haven't been able to come off facebook as it's an integral part of my job).  

Since then she has been constantly asking to be friends again on facebook, or making snide remarks about how we're not friends.  She says she feel hurt and missing out on my life (because she will never ring me, just 'like' stuff on facebook or use messenger), so last night I rang her up to tell her exactly why I have unfriended her.  I'm afraid, she lit a touch paper with her comments to me "You haven't been there for me" etc... .and I just let it all out and told her exactly what I thought about everything, a few years of bottling up just came out on the phone.

I know I should have tried to maintain the upper hand and not feed her thirst for drama, but I have honestly reached the end of my tether.  This woman has emotionally abused me for 39 years and the only sanity and 'near' happiness I have had was when we had no contact.  

Now I'm in a position (which I was in all those years ago) where I'm anxious about her turning up or texting and, at the same time, feeling guilt for upsetting her - the truth hurts mum.

I hate being put in this position again and again and again and not sure where to go from here.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Oodles1977:    

I'm so sorry about what's going on with your mom.  Your story matches those of many others with similar circumstances.  We are all human and have a breaking point, especially after years of enduring abuse and/or frustration.

I know I should have tried to maintain the upper hand and not feed her thirst for drama, but I have honestly reached the end of my tether.  This woman has emotionally abused me for 39 years and the only sanity and 'near' happiness I have had was when we had no contact.  

Now I'm in a position (which I was in all those years ago) where I'm anxious about her turning up or texting and, at the same time, feeling guilt for upsetting her - the truth hurts mum.  I hate being put in this position again and again and again and not sure where to go from here.

Some people go back and forth between No Contact (NC) and Limited Contact (LC).  It's okay to take a break.  You can't change your mother, but you can change the way you interact with her and react to her.  Some strategic communication skills can make things better.  

BOUNDARIES can be helpful to you.  They are for your well being and are up to you to set and consistently enforce.  Social media commonly becomes a problem with a person with BPD (pwBPD).  Even if you resume contact with your mom, you might want to keep boundaries in place for social media.  (your mom doesn't have access to yours and you stay away from her's).

Pinned at the top of this message board, is a section for "Lessons".  Browse through it, click on some lessons and take a look.  Perhaps you might want to bookmark a few.  There is, also, a "Tools Menu" within the large green band at the top of this page.  There are some links to lessons there as well.  

It's okay to take a break from texting.  You can choose to block them for awhile, so you won't have to deal with them.  Has your mom appeared unannounced on your door step in the past?

It can be helpful to read about FOG and FOG DISCUSSION THREAD

It's good to vent and continue to share your story with others.  Take some time to take care of yourself.  Have you tried some therapy?  Are there some things you do to manage your stress and self-soothe?