Its a pickle

[Icefog]

What's truly confounding in this situation I find myself in is the contradictory feelings I have regarding my ex partner who has BPD and attachment and substance misuse traits. I am recently out of a three year relationship with her. Approximately one year ago I had to restrict my time spent with her as I was exhausted. I didn't recognize at the time that my exhaustion was a result of the relationship. I attended to see a doctor who ran all sorts of tests in order to determine why I was so exhausted and nothing was conclusive. The more I restricted my time with her the more I recovered my energy. Once I was able to equate my relationship with my health I knew I could not return without addressing some of the behavior. We still spoke everyday and saw each other about three times per week but it wasn't always on her terms. I started staying at my residence more and she would come there. Something she was always reluctant to do which was curious to me as I have a nice place and she lives in what best could be described as somewhat less than desirable... .the area and her living conditions. I wasn't detached from her and I loved her I just couldn't spend as much time in the conditions she lived in, or with her peers (who have the same traits and the places she liked to frequent (dive bars). The constant drama with family and friends and watching her discard them without a blink of an eye was curious to me but I didn't equate it to a ongoing pattern of maladaptive behavior. I started to address her behavior and developing better boundaries... .that's when the relationship started going south. Its almost surreal to me at times because I didn't see. I didn't see the dysfunctional family history both biological and adoptive, I didn't see the teenage trauma, I didn't see the many failed 2 year relationships and the children with three different men, I didn't see the conflict with ex partners that was unresolvable and palpable and I didn't see the pattern of her moving another guy in while the other was still moving out(even though I was one of them). I was blind. My ex partner is a high functioning borderline whose public persona is not who she really is. When I explore the relationship I cannot remember a time when she generated true empathy towards anyone or anything. I cannot remember a time when her motives were anything but self serving and self soothing. Still I didn't recognize any of this due to her competency in other life areas and her attractiveness to me. I now recognize that the relationship could not have ended any other way... .the same way she ended every other relationship... .abruptly, cowardly and without remorse. I know this is based on a defense mechanism and survival but that is often cold comfort when I feel sad and lonely for her. But enough about her. I know who she is and why she behaves the way she does. The curious thing is the unresolved feelings I have for her and the conclusion of our relationship. I ruminate constantly about and think of her a good deal of the day. On any given day I am vulnerable to the possibility of being recycled knowing that it would be disastrous. Its truly confounding to me. I have done a lot of introspection both personally and professionally. I practice CBT and DBT skills daily and have a support system that is second to none comprised of peers and colleagues that are highly skilled in human behavior and I am still amazed at the shock waves I have as a result of my union with this woman. I have regular anxiety... .a malady I've never experienced before. In fact if you were to ask my peers they would find it hard to believe as I am characterized as the guy who is so chilled out I am who they go to when things are becoming unraveled for them. I know I make the choice of self harming when I ruminate. I often play out how contact would be, what I would say, I project what her reaction would be, how we could reconcile and live happily ever after... .knowing its a delusion and knowing I am just trying to ease the pain I am feeling. Its actually contraindicated as it creates more pain. I know I need to fill this void up myself and its a tough gig. If I don't reconcile this I run the risk of not only repeating a relationship with another BPD woman but I also run risk of never having a healthy relationship which I would like. The thing is that I am attracted to some of those qualities and that energy. The very qualities that are disastrous and not based in long term true love. That is enough for me to "get in my way". That realization is not comfortable at all as it involves hard work, perseverance and reconciling how I can be attracted to someone who is stable and healthy. Its a pickle as I have women who would like to have a relationship with me but I am either scared of their traits or scared of leaving them and creating the same pain for them as I allow myself to have as a result of being with my BPD partner. Thanks for reading, any input is helpful.       

[Mutt]

Hi Icefog,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. I understand the anxiety with feeling like a r/s with a non may not have enough electricity to it, falling for another woman with BPD traits in a choatic r/s.

We don't know what will happen in the future, what will the next partner be like? I'd suggest to not worry about that for now, I think that you're being a little hard on yourself when you said that you were blind in the beginning of the r/s. In fact there is a period where both partners regardless of pathology don't see each other's faults and project their best side, I mean i'd worry about scaring someone off if they knew some of my habits when I first meet them  I guess that comes later in the r/s with emotional intimacy and exposing all sides of ourselves, that's the really good stuff  Sure, there's a lot intensity when you're in a r/s with a pwBPD but it can't be sustain, emotional intimacy requires that you sustain it.

I get the feeling that you're worried about future r/s's? I understand how painful these break ups are but if we give ourselves time to self reflect and to heal, there's a wealth of life lessons to be learned, if we didn't mistakes in life we wouldn't learn.