Ruminating guilt

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'll compile the story into a short summary. Engaged to my ex, she left me because she wanted "space," within a week was with another man, telling each other I love you, etc. I Was infuriated, told everyone she cheated on me, which I believed she did. Then realized that me "slandering" her was wrong. Sent an apology email, no response as expected. Fast forward 5 months after the email, she broke up with the douche bag, which I warned her about, he's a homewrecker and cheater, drug abuser.  Then a month after the breakup(assuming she wasn't lying) emailed me, wanting to "clear the air," I haven't gotten over her at this point. Never stopped loving her. Met up one night, agreed to meet up again. Picked back up where we left off essentially. Was guarded at first, then she told me I was being dry with her, "maybe I deserve this from the first time," dropped my guard. Got closer to her, started caring for her, loving her. Goes cold, and one day rejects my phone calls multiple times. Leaves me the next day, for wanting to "be alone, to mature, to grow, to figure out life, I dont deserve such a girl that can't reciprocate love, her heart wasn't ready for this, etc". Two days later, she's with another guy, saying I love you etc. All this while her ex, the guy after me the 1st time, he was harassing her calling her name's, blowing her phone up. Etc.

After we broke up, I wanted her ex to stop bothering her cause it wasn't beneficial to her(yes I know not my problem anymore, still care for her, slightly codependent/out of love). He eventually(he's a narcissistic piece of trash) starts to "love bomb" me, trying to get me to be friends with him etc, didn't tell him I Had gotten back with her. Then after 2 weeks of love bombing(didn't recognize it then) I started feeling bad for him, empathizing his situation of how she left him etc. I then told him my story that I had been with her. But out of trust he wasn't supposed to bother her or tell her. I told him that she needs to be brought up and not down, she's a broken individual and needs help, and that she'll come back, don't give in. It was supposed to be a neutral, leave her alone and you'll be okay statement. I didn't mean to bring either side down. He stabs me in the back, screenshots my text and sends it to her. She calls me next morning at 5 AM screaming at me calling me an idiot, a fool, etc. And crying. At this time I said screw it, she can say whatever she wants. Im seeking some sort of validation/other opinions or even invalidation on this situation. I'm feeling guilty and bad for having "slandered" her, again. But I'm not sure it was even slandering this time. She berated me, saying I thought she was desperate, and that she was going in a different direction(leaving me behind) etc. So question is, I'm feeling guilty for this. I told her I'm sorry, and truly am, I didn't mean to hurt her.  It seems like it was a manipulative tactic, to make her seem like the victim.

She's a very attractive girl, she told me shes never ever recycled an ex before, I was the 1st, which then I felt like I really messed up when I "broke her trust." At times I feel like I'm the one with problems, and im the one that has issues(which I probably do to an extent, seeing a therapist for the past year). She seems to have BPD and narcisssm to a certain extent. She also cried when she broke up with me, saying that she tried her best to be with me this time.  I'm just so confused.

[OnceEngaged001]

I'll compile the story into a short summary. Engaged to my ex, she left me because she wanted "space," within a week was with another man, telling each other I love you, etc. I Was infuriated, told everyone she cheated on me, which I believed she did. Then realized that me "slandering" her was wrong. Sent an apology email, no response as expected. Fast forward 5 months after the email, she broke up with the douche bag, which I warned her about, he's a homewrecker and cheater, drug abuser.  Then a month after the breakup(assuming she wasn't lying) emailed me, wanting to "clear the air," I haven't gotten over her at this point. Never stopped loving her. Met up one night, agreed to meet up again. Picked back up where we left off essentially. Was guarded at first, then she told me I was being dry with her, "maybe I deserve this from the first time," dropped my guard. Got closer to her, started caring for her, loving her. Goes cold, and one day rejects my phone calls multiple times. Leaves me the next day, for wanting to "be alone, to mature, to grow, to figure out life, I dont deserve such a girl that can't reciprocate love, her heart wasn't ready for this, etc". Two days later, she's with another guy, saying I love you etc. All this while her ex, the guy after me the 1st time, he was harassing her calling her name's, blowing her phone up. Etc.

After we broke up, I wanted her ex to stop bothering her cause it wasn't beneficial to her(yes I know not my problem anymore, still care for her, slightly codependent/out of love). He eventually(he's a narcissistic piece of trash) starts to "love bomb" me, trying to get me to be friends with him etc, didn't tell him I Had gotten back with her. Then after 2 weeks of love bombing(didn't recognize it then) I started feeling bad for him, empathizing his situation of how she left him etc. I then told him my story that I had been with her. But out of trust he wasn't supposed to bother her or tell her. I told him that she needs to be brought up and not down, she's a broken individual and needs help, and that she'll come back, don't give in. It was supposed to be a neutral, leave her alone and you'll be okay statement. I didn't mean to bring either side down. He stabs me in the back, screenshots my text and sends it to her. She calls me next morning at 5 AM screaming at me calling me an idiot, a fool, etc. And crying. At this time I said screw it, she can say whatever she wants. Im seeking some sort of validation/other opinions or even invalidation on this situation. I'm feeling guilty and bad for having "slandered" her, again. But I'm not sure it was even slandering this time. She berated me, saying I thought she was desperate, and that she was going in a different direction(leaving me behind) etc. So question is, I'm feeling guilty for this. I told her I'm sorry, and truly am, I didn't mean to hurt her.  It seems like it was a manipulative tactic, to make her seem like the victim.

She's a very attractive girl, she told me shes never ever recycled an ex before, I was the 1st, which then I felt like I really messed up when I "broke her trust." At times I feel like I'm the one with problems, and im the one that has issues(which I probably do to an extent, seeing a therapist for the past year). She seems to have BPD and narcisssm to a certain extent. She also cried when she broke up with me, saying that she tried her best to be with me this time.  I'm just so confused.