Was it me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 Whenever I have a conversation with her about fixing things, because she left me for another guy that doesn't be little her and get angry at her and talk to her like a child, as she put it, it makes me feel worse and worse.

 Tonight, I had to get things off my chest because she left so abruptly and now I have myself questioning whether not it was my fault. She tells me that she can't trust me to change and that's why she can never come back or rather she doesn't even know that you can come back if I was To change.  She went so far as to admit that it takes to relationship but never really told me she was sorry or defended the fact that she had cheated on me twice that I know of and was talking to other guys almost daily for over a year. She finally left because she met somebody that bought her story  and he probably has issues of his own.

 I want you the symptoms of BPD and I have to go into therapist send her friends and people tell me how crazy she is and this and that but I can't stop loving her. I can't stop hoping that she'll finally just say I'm sorry. However, she lies to me still about them being engaged  and tells me all the stuff I'm doing wrong to push her away even farther even though their relationship is what it is.

 Summer stuff she pointed out was valid and summer stuff wasn't.  Every time I have a conversation with her it's constantly turned back on how she can't trust me and all the things I did wrong and never really acknowledged us but she did above well it takes two people. I just can't help but think after sometimes That it is my fault

[TNDad]

 Whenever I have a conversation with her about fixing things, because she left me for another guy that doesn't be little her and get angry at her and talk to her like a child, as she put it, it makes me feel worse and worse.

 Tonight, I had to get things off my chest because she left so abruptly and now I have myself questioning whether not it was my fault. She tells me that she can't trust me to change and that's why she can never come back or rather she doesn't even know that you can come back if I was To change.  She went so far as to admit that it takes to relationship but never really told me she was sorry or defended the fact that she had cheated on me twice that I know of and was talking to other guys almost daily for over a year. She finally left because she met somebody that bought her story  and he probably has issues of his own.

 I want you the symptoms of BPD and I have to go into therapist send her friends and people tell me how crazy she is and this and that but I can't stop loving her. I can't stop hoping that she'll finally just say I'm sorry. However, she lies to me still about them being engaged  and tells me all the stuff I'm doing wrong to push her away even farther even though their relationship is what it is.

 Summer stuff she pointed out was valid and summer stuff wasn't.  Every time I have a conversation with her it's constantly turned back on how she can't trust me and all the things I did wrong and never really acknowledged us but she did above well it takes two people. I just can't help but think after sometimes That it is my fault

[joeramabeme]

Ya, I relate.  Your story mirrors mine - HEY wait a minute  . . .

Seriously, I relate and was stuck at wondering if I was at fault. And it is a valid place to get stuck at, not because it is your fault, rather, because you, like me, probably did things that you feel bad about and so thought maybe she has a point.

Whatever was my "fault", weren't the underlying motivations that drove her behaviors.  I could (and had moments of) being very nice and easy going about it all; yet, it did not make a difference.  Because, I was not the central issue with her to begin with; BPD was/is.

Remember, PD is an emotional condition that is triggered with emotional intimacy.  The fact that you were close to her an she felt close to you is the "fault"-line that triggered the emotional outbursts.

So, part of having a balanced perspective is coming to understand that you are not the cause of her problems.  Second, you cannot control her problems via accepting blame and most importantly you cannot cure her problems - as in, she is not suddenly going to see the good side of you and have an aha-moment and change her mind.  The opinions she has of you and her behaviors towards you are at most indirectly about you.  Indirectly in the sense that you are the object of her emotions and therefore the target of her internal bad feelings.  While she may intimately "know" you, she cannot become emotionally attached to you without the total encumbrance of fear of abandonment; the central reason why you are at fault, a ba person and never do anything right!

While we leave these relationships wondering what happened; over time, we come to see that the relationship itself was with someone who appears present in many areas of their life but is not aware of significant emotional liabilities.  Explicitly, if your ex has untreated BPD, she is emotionally unavailable - that is the diagnosis of BPD.

It is a hard pill to swallow and one that slowly goes down while you choke on it.  I don't mean to sound terribly dour but do wish to make an impression on you that this is not your doing.  Take responsibility for what you know you could have done better or need to work on.  For the remaining pieces there is BPD family; the posts, the articles, your fellow non's.

JRB

[Nerd_Dad]

This is where my BPD wife got me too.

I am very insecure and had my own problems that needed to be worked out over time. She has magnified those in our split and making sure all is my fault.

Just remember this. People with BPD cannot be at fault for anything. Everything will be your fault, and they will find those insecurities or shortcomings and magnify them to hide their own problems.

It's been months, and she still gets me some time. But every time I start to question how much was my fault I sit back and remind myself that nobody was perfect and I was continuously trying to be a better spouse and parent. If I was doing everything I could to try and make this work and make myself better while she did nothing to change, this is clearly not my fault.

[Pretty Woman]

It sounds like a lot of projection on her life art which is common with the disorder.

In my relationship I never heard "I'm sorry". Everything was my fault. She would break up with me saying I am not relationship material, that I only care about myself. When she'd leave and cheat it was because I was treating her badly. These are her words not mine.

You can wait to hear "I'm sorry" but it may never come. That's what makes this hard, you are blamed so much you start to believe it and then panic trying to @gix things".

You need to realize it's not you that needs fixing. No matter what you do it will always be wrong to her unless she's valuing you in that moment. You don't have control over her emotions.
You are not a mind reader.


Don't be so hard on yourself. It's difficult moving on with no closure but it's possible to find it within yourself.

Are you trying to get back with her? You sound undecided in your post.