Welcome Romania: I feel stumped when she says negative things and I pull blanks. I remained silent instead of trying something and failing. The good news is silence was taken as a neutral response because she was in a good mood but that won't always be the case.
Validation isn't about agreeing with something. It is about acknowledging what someone feels.
It's important to not validate the invalid. As you found, sometimes it can just be a matter of NOT invalidating. That can mean staying silent.
Along with NOT invalidating, there are different levels of validation. The information below is from: www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html Level One
Overall show interest in the other person (through verbal, nonverbal cues), show that you are paying attention (nodding, eye contact, etc.) Ask questions - "What then?" Give prompts - "Tell me more," "Uh-huh."
Level Two
Use accurate reflection - "So you're frustrated because you son hasn't picked up his room." Summarize what the person is sharing, then ask - "Is that right?" Take a nonjudgmental stance toward the person, be matter-of-fact, have an "of course" attitude.
Example: "My therapist doesn't like me."
Validation: "You are feeling really certain she hates you." Note that you don't have to actually agree with the person about their perceptions.
Level Three
Try to "read" a person's behavior, imagine what they could be feeling, thinking or wishing for. It feels good when someone takes the time to think about our life experiences. Remember to check for accuracy. It is best to not make assumptions.
Level Four
Validate the person's behavior in terms of causes like past events present events even when it may be triggered based on dysfunctional association.
*Validate feelings like, "Since your new boss reminds you of your last one, I can see why you'd be scared to meet with her," or "Since you have had panic attacks on the bus, you're scared to ride one now."
Level Five
Communicate that the person's behavior is reasonable, meaningful, effective.
*Validate feelings like, "It seems very normal to be nervous before a job interview - that sure makes sense to me," or "It sounds like you were very clear and direct with your doctor."
Level Six
Treat the person as valid - not patronizing or condescending.
Recognize the person as they are with strengths and limitations.
Give the person equal status, equal respect.
Be genuine with the person about your reactions to them and about yourself.
Believe in the other person while seeing their struggles and pain.
The Basic Steps to Validation can be found at:
www.core.eqi.org/valid.htm#BasicStepstoValidationBasic Steps to Validation
Acknowledging the other person's feelings
Identifying the feelings
Offering to listen (see EQ-Based Listening)
Helping them label the feelings
Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally
Feeling patient
Feeling accepting and non-judgmental
Here are some simple ways to validate someone when they are talking to you and they are feeling upset, hurt, sad etc.
Awww
Yeah
Mmm
I hear you.
That hurts
That's not good
That's no fun
Wow, that's a lot to deal with
I would feel the same way.
(I would be sad/hurt/angry/jealus, etc. too)
That is sad.
That sounds discouraging.
That sounds like it would really hurt
That must really hurt.
I know just what you mean.
I would feel the same way.
I can understand how you feel.
It sounds like you are really feeling ____.
It sounds like _____ is really important to you.
Most of us truly want to help other people, but often we don't know how, or we try too hard and we start giving advice, as our parents did to us. But I have found that usually if I just validate someone, they are able to work out their own emotional problems even faster than if I were to give them my advice. This I believe is a sign of not only high EQ but of wisdom. Though I read about validation and "active listening" I didn't learn the importance of it. I learned it from life. And from watching what works and what doesn't work. If you want to help someone, try some of these. I have found they have amazing power.
For some people all you need to do is use these short, validating comments and they will continue to talk.
For others, you might encourage them to keep talking with short questions such as:
Really?
Yeah?
How's that?
You did?
She did?
If you find yourself in a position of needing to lead the conversation you might try:
I can see that you are really upset.
You look pretty sad.
You seem a little worried, troubled, scared, etc.
Would you like to talk about it?
That really bothered you, didn't it?
How did you feel when ______?
Also, to help someone release their feelings try:
What bothers you the most about it?
How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0-10)?
How come? How so? How's that?
So you really felt ______? Is that close?
So what bothered you was that _____?
What else bothered you______?
How else did you feel______?
What would help you feel better?
Often, the fewer words from you, the better, especially when someone needs to talk and they are both willing and able. I have found, as I am sure you have, that it takes more to get some people talking than others. But once most people start, and feel safe and validated, they will continue.
Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way. It also helps us get to know them better. Thus it builds bonds of caring, support, acceptance, understanding and trust. When a person is feeling down, these bonds are sometimes all that another person needs to begin to feel better and solve their own problems.
On the other hand, when they are feeling excited and enthusiastic, this validation encourages them and helps keep their spirits high.
For example when someone is excited, proud etc. You might say:
Cool. Neat. Wow. Excellent. etc.
That must have been fun/exciting.
I can see why you are proud.
By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us-- in other words, that they matter to us. By "mirroring" someone's feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us.
What am I supposed to do with these:
"I get sick of my relationships very quickly." (I came up with "that must be frustrating." Might add: :)o you want to talk about it? or "Are you saying you get bored?""I did it [passive aggressive behavior] to teach him a lesson." (Pointing out the passive aggressive behavior is a no ... .right?)
Might want to say: "You must have been very hurt? How did that teach him a lesson?"So and so hates me." Might say: "You are feeling really certain she hates you?" "He's dead to me." (different person) Possible Response: I can see that you are really upset. Are you saying you want to go no contact with that person?"This [something on her, or her herself] is so ugly." Possible Response: Remaining silent and NOT invalidating, could be the best choice. If she says something like, "I hate my nose", you might ask "I hear that you are upset about your nose. why do you hate it?", or "You have the family nose, I've always admired it".
