Feedback

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'd like to get some feedback from other members with mothers who had BPD.
Did they choose 1 family member as a victim?
Did their moods change drastically and suddenly?
Were they abusive to the victim?
Did they scream ?
Were they controlling to the victim?
Did they have extreme rage?
Thank you.

[Sushie]

I'd like to get some feedback from other members with mothers who had BPD.
Did they choose 1 family member as a victim?
Did their moods change drastically and suddenly?
Were they abusive to the victim?
Did they scream ?
Were they controlling to the victim?
Did they have extreme rage?
Thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi Sushie,  



Can you tell us a little about yourself? Do you have a parent, sibling or family member diagnosed with BPD?

[Fie]

Hello Sushie 

Welcome !
Is your mum BPD ?
Mine is, as well as my grandma.
My mum had one favorite victim, which was me. She had mood swings, was abusive (never physical) and extremely controlling. I think she has always been depressed, for as long as I can remember.
She never expressed extreme rage to me. My dad once told me she did towards him, though.

How was your family to grow up in ?
xx

[Turkish]

Yes to all of these,  members here would say. 

What brought you here and how can we help?

Turkish

[Sushie]

My mother had undiagnosed BPD. She died in 2006 and I am 68 years old but I am still suffering the effects of the physical, mental and emotional abuse. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD. I suffer from major depression and extreme anxiety. I had a brother who was not touched at all by my mother. I was the only victim.
Is there any healing for BPD victims? I still have flashbacks of her rage and being slapped in the face (many times in my life). I was so afraid of her all of my life.I was terrorized.
I would love to hear from people who have recovered from the terror and abuse (if that is possible).
Many thanks.

[SerenityPeace]

My mother victimized my brother, father and me, but in different ways. I was the "good" child so she had high expectations of me and since I was the only daughter, she told me all her problems and leaned on me for support when I got older. She did have rage at times but was emotionally, not physically, abusive. She used guilt to manipulate me, she was depressed and needy, and when I disagreed with her, she thought she was always right because she knew best. When I was a teen, I completely rebelled and just lied and kept things from her because I couldn't reason with her. She didn't want to see my views or compromise. When I was an adult, she continued to use guilt, sarcasm, "jokes" to undermine me while acting like she was the loving wise mother, and I should listen to her. I felt very confused because she could be so kind and then let me down during important events or times in my life like my wedding and when I had my two kids. I had a lot of guilt because I didn't feel the same love and closeness that many daughter's feel with their moms. I tried hard to make things better, help her emotionally, and "do the right thing," but it was like a seesaw, and I always ended up disappointed, hurt, guilty. Now that I know she had BPD, I feel more forgiving, but the best part is I don't blame myself and feel guilty for not loving her more and not missing her since she died.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Sushie
I am sorry to hear you had such a traumatic upbringing.

The effects of abuse are far ranging and can take decades to recover from. I applaud your efforts to reach out for help and make efforts towards recovery.

Like you I have CPTSD as well as PTSD and I had a physically violent upbringing, especially at the hands of my uBPDm. I am told by my brother she slapped my face regularly although I have no specific memory of it. I do however rembember much of the other violent and sexually inappropriate behaviours.
As to your questions

Did they choose 1 family member as a victim?

Yes. My brother was the eldest and the scapegoat and the main victim of her outbursts although by no means the only one.

Did their moods change drastically and suddenly?

Oftentimes, yes. The outbursts were often in relation to something outside of the family and taken out on the children and my father at home. She would simmer down and then want us to forgive her without ever asking apologising or acknowledging wrongdoing. We were required to kiss her and tell her that we loved her, we accepted our punishment as necessary and exonerate her from any wrongdoing. Then shortly after she would be friendly, cheerful and generous.

Were they abusive to the victim?

Extremely. She was most pacified when she publicly humiliated one of us. In one incident she removed my teenage brother's pants and had my father sit on him whilst she belted him in front of all the children on our street.
In another she threw a full ketchup bottle at my father.

Did they scream ?
ALL the time.

Were they controlling to the victim?
Yes. it was the hallmark of our family. My mother controlled us all.

Did they have extreme rage?
To this day I see her first in apoplectic rage, eyes bugging, neck bulging ... .I used to call it the rage face. /

I have spent a good deal of time working on recovery and have made significant progress but there are some things that still cause me deep distress.
When there has been physical violence and emotional abuse recovery can take a long time but is very worth embarking on.

I am guessing you suffered a number of these behaviours from your mother? If so I am very sorry for it. No one deserves to be abused and especially not from the very ones who should be loving and nurturing them.
You may find it beneficial to write your mother a letter describing the things that she did to you and the effects they have had on you and reading it out loud to her even though she has passed away.
Or you could write a fairy tale in the 3rd person where you are in it. Eg you might be a princess living in a castle with a mean queen etc. I found that so helpful.
In the end, you have no doubt NO DOUBT a a great deal of grief and pain in your heart and it is well worth allowing that grief out.

If you can bear it, would you like to tell us about what happened that led you to come here for support?
And please let me assure you that healing is VERY possible. You deserve to have that.
Peace
Ziggiddy