need advice--AGAIN

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So without getting into a lengthy narrative about this incident, I will just say that once again, my bfwBPD felt I wasn't doing enough to show him I put him as a priority. I was enforcing a boundary actually that I needed to accomplish certain things after work today and I failed to tell him that I would go to replace some pictures of us he had given me. Childish I know but after an episode-yelling breaking up etc- I ripped them up. I completely own that I was wrong to do this and am embarrassed that I allowed myself to sink to that level.
So now it is paramount to him that I replace them. And I will. However whenever I had free time to do so this week, I was seeing him and putting in the effort to show my commitment.
Well the raging began, the put downs began, the belittling and verbal onslaught began. IN A PUBLIC PLACE. We were eating and having a good time. It got so bad- I calmly asked him to stop several times. I told him to stop or I was leaving. He didn't-I walked out. An employee of the place followed me outside to see if I was ok. Apparently a couple seated close to us heard the whole thing. The wife said to the employee that "that guy is being so abusive to that woman, I'd like to crack him one for speaking to her like that, he is belittling her and speaking horribly about her family". My bf was doing exactly that. When I left, and my bf followed me out , the woman sent her husband outside to make sure I was physically all right. THIS IS NOT OK! I have not spoken/responded to my bf since.
For the first time, I am actually angry, not questioning myself and not feeling an ounce of guilt. I honestly don't care if I didn't put getting those damn pictures replaced first. HE HAD NO RIGHT to treat me like that. So now he is texting me-not apologizing, but telling me how hurt HE is, and why can't I put into this r/s what he is, how I need to do things to give him strength to stay (?) as he feels helpless and insecure. And basically if I don't do everything he wants when he wants it, I am not committed and don't love him as much as he loves me. THis is balderdash.

So, I am NC with him. Am I being cruel?

[allienoah]

So without getting into a lengthy narrative about this incident, I will just say that once again, my bfwBPD felt I wasn't doing enough to show him I put him as a priority. I was enforcing a boundary actually that I needed to accomplish certain things after work today and I failed to tell him that I would go to replace some pictures of us he had given me. Childish I know but after an episode-yelling breaking up etc- I ripped them up. I completely own that I was wrong to do this and am embarrassed that I allowed myself to sink to that level.
So now it is paramount to him that I replace them. And I will. However whenever I had free time to do so this week, I was seeing him and putting in the effort to show my commitment.
Well the raging began, the put downs began, the belittling and verbal onslaught began. IN A PUBLIC PLACE. We were eating and having a good time. It got so bad- I calmly asked him to stop several times. I told him to stop or I was leaving. He didn't-I walked out. An employee of the place followed me outside to see if I was ok. Apparently a couple seated close to us heard the whole thing. The wife said to the employee that "that guy is being so abusive to that woman, I'd like to crack him one for speaking to her like that, he is belittling her and speaking horribly about her family". My bf was doing exactly that. When I left, and my bf followed me out , the woman sent her husband outside to make sure I was physically all right. THIS IS NOT OK! I have not spoken/responded to my bf since.
For the first time, I am actually angry, not questioning myself and not feeling an ounce of guilt. I honestly don't care if I didn't put getting those damn pictures replaced first. HE HAD NO RIGHT to treat me like that. So now he is texting me-not apologizing, but telling me how hurt HE is, and why can't I put into this r/s what he is, how I need to do things to give him strength to stay (?) as he feels helpless and insecure. And basically if I don't do everything he wants when he wants it, I am not committed and don't love him as much as he loves me. THis is balderdash.

So, I am NC with him. Am I being cruel?

[Grey Kitty]

So, I am NC with him. Am I being cruel?

If you are not contacting him because you want to teach him something, prove something to him, or punish him, you are being cruel. That is called the silent treatment, and it is an abusive technique often used by pwBPD, but others can use it too. I don't think you are doing this!

If you are not contacting him to protect yourself or your r/s with him, it isn't cruel at all.

Protect the r/s -- Stop yourself from saying something that will make things worse when you know you cannot say anything good 'cuz you are too pissed.

Protect yourself -- Stop yourself from hearing more verbal abuse and threats.

If you do need to protect yourself more from the stuff he's texting you, you may need to block him as well.

[allienoah]

As an update to this situation, he has profusely apologized over and over. I am still hurt and angry. I am speaking with him. Last night we went to the same establishment and my bf apologized to the employee for being so horrible to me. He went on to tell her how much he loves/respects me and he had no right to do that to me.
So here's my dilemma-
He has apologized in private so many times and continues to verbally lambast me. Now he is apologizing to others for what they have witnessed. I can't help but think that he only did that to save himself from the embarrassment of others knowing how he is. Am I just stinging from all the hits or am I being unreasonable? I don't trust that this won't happen again-unless I finally decide to leave him. He is pushing me away little by little and doesn't realize it. I am not always looking forward to seeing him and I am starting (!) to feel that having my whole family spurn me for seeing him is no longer worth this treatment.

I know it is a decision only I can make, but am I being a fool for accepting the apology? Am I being spiteful for thinking it is self-serving?

[Grey Kitty]

From what you say, you think he sounds pretty sincere in his apology.

That said, do you believe he is able to stop himself from doing it again? (When he dysregulates, his rage is pretty sincere too!)

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Allienoah

Im fairly new to this forum, I have been following this thread and another you started. I really felt I should provide a feedback when I read your last post.

I can't help but think that he only did that to save himself from the embarrassment of others knowing how he is.

Sorry for bringing this up but are you sure he is a pwPBD as opposed to a classic abuser? I ask because there is a cycle of violence with abusive people that fits your description of abuse/apology cycle. I need to clarify Im not a professional but I have considerable knowledge of domestic violence and abuse through living with someone working in this field and with battered women and being educated about it through them over the course of 6 years. From what I know so far there is a difference between the abuse that comes with BPD vs the perpetrator of a classic abuse cycle.

I hope this doesnt rattle you or anyone reading. I just wanted to share this with you. I picked up a couple books on the subject when I started my relationship with a pwBPD, I didnt know much about the disorder at the time and was wondering if he was abusive but he didnt quite fit the profile. If you are interested I can share my reading list with you (I dont have it with me now). It really helped me to compare and contrast the abuser vs BPD and I made decisions based on educating myself about the root causes of each.

Finally my 2c about whether to accept the apology: Personally I think that accepting apology for the same violation many times just gives permission to repeat the same behavior. Im not the best person to help with the wording of it, the moderators here are amazingly skilled at that. But I would hold off issuing an apology until you know he has a plan or is somehow actively working on changing this behavior.

[allienoah]

@onelittleladybug
You know he does fit most of the criteria -fear of abandonment, history of tumultuous relationships, uncontrolled rage when angry or feeling abandoned, tries to isolate me-the caregiver-from everyone, seeing no reason at all when dysregulating

I am however interested in your readings that aided in your knowledge. He is currently enrolled in a DBT program as his 15 year old daughter has been cutting. I get frustrated as he seems to use the tools with his ex and other children, but not with me.
I should add that my sister and 2 kids also feel he is abusive

[formflier]

I know it is a decision only I can make, but am I being a fool for accepting the apology? Am I being spiteful for thinking it is self-serving?

I think it is reasonable and healthy to let him know that you accept his apology and his decision to own and improve his behavior.

IN other words... it's not apology and back to the gold ol days... .it's apology and focus on continuing to  improve with therapy and other measures.

There is only one way to know if the apology and determination to change is sincere.

So... to the question of do you accept the apology.  If that is all it is... .just an apology and no change, honestly I would tell you to be shy about doing that.  As long as he is making a commitment to you (and it sounds like others) to change... .then I think you should accept.


FF

[onelittleladybug]

I am however interested in your readings that aided in your knowledge. He is currently enrolled in a DBT program as his 15 year old daughter has been cutting. I get frustrated as he seems to use the tools with his ex and other children, but not with me.

Thats very interesting. Ive been following your threads but I didnt know that. I can imagine that adding to your frustration (i.e. practicing the tools of DBT with others but not with me).

Since this is the case my guess is probably off. Besides there is no official diagnosis of the abuser. But there has been some interesting stuff written about the profile. It was the apologies that made me think of it. Its too risky to get into a laymans diagnosis and I felt wary of posting this in the first place. To me it was just information that helped me decide if I should continue with the r/s or not, I dont want to impose my boundaries on you.

Im so sorry youre going through this btw. It must be really hard feeling caught between him and your children  I have felt caught between my BPDbf (likely now ex) vs friends and family. They also thought mine was just a classic abuser in the beginning. The pressure was so heavy to leave I was sometimes not sure who was the "crazy" one! Ive been doing a lot of explaining lately. Its getting better with friends and family but Im tired of it and I am getting more out of coming here. This week I started politely excusing myself from talking about him with my friends. "Yes Im sad today, thanks for asking about it but what I most need from you is a break from it all and think about something else. Can we do that? Thanks so much its the best you can do for me right now".

My book list is all over the place so I will be posting intermittently as I find them. First is Aaron Beck "Prisoners of Hate: The Cognitive Basis of Anger, Hostility, and Violence". Thats not the one I have in mind that profiles the abuser though so I will keep looking 

[isilme]

From what I know so far there is a difference between the abuse that comes with BPD vs the perpetrator of a classic abuse cycle.

I don't see a difference.  I think many "classic abusers" are people with some part of the spectrum on which BPD lands.  My dad was more likely a sociopath, but my mother was totally BPD, and both were diagnosed manic-depressed/bi-polar.  Growing up was an afternoon special without the lesson being learned at the end.  

Since BPD does not go away, yes you can accept an apology, but you realize it's coming from an emotionally disordered person who will at some point do it again.  It may be less explosive, less public, and last a shorter time, but BPD will bring this back around.  You got pushed away during the rage.  You are being pulled back by the apology.  Push-Pull cycle.

[onelittleladybug]

I don't see a difference.

Well lets start with that some BPDs are abusive but not all abusers are BP.

My thoughts are very abstract and once again Im not an expert but Im thinking about intent and how conscious the abusive person is. A man that beats his wife and is aware enough of his actions that he makes sure to only hit her on her body not her face, is aware enough that you can safely say he is making a conscious choice. Im using an extreme example here. A raging pwBPD is acting out in despair somewhat. Thats how I see it, am I wrong? No PB expert here nor any kind of PD, I am very new to BP but not to the psychology of abuse. Have not been personally subjected to it until recently (verbal).

[bunny4523]

So, I am NC with him. Am I being cruel?

No your being healthy and taking care of yourself.  Take as much time as you need and I hope you decide to stay away.  Sorry, wrong board I guess but just reading your post, I got very defensive. Abuse is abuse, I don't care why the abuser does it.