Hi - this is my first post and I'm totally at a loss

[youaremysonshine]

Hi - I'm the mother of a 24 year old son that I suspect has BPD.  He has had "issues" since his teens but as I really start looking back, I see defiance, obstinance, rebellion, disregard for others as early as 5 or 6.  My son struggled with teachers, parents, coaches - any authority figure but could also be so likeable that he was forgiven. 

He started using marijuana at about 13 years old... .we didn't know this until his later teens.  He played tackle football, then rugby and suffered 2 concussions in other activities - leading me to question brain injury, although he never had a loss of consciousness. 

He was never a good student but is extremely intelligent but dropped out of highschool because he "hated" it... .he later got his GED and then eventually took a semester of college (only to quit again).  He worked full time for his dad's business - in a role that he loved but when that aspect of the job went away and they assigned him other duties, he was angry, suspicious and ultimately quit.  He has never worked for someone outside of the family and does not appear to have the communication skills/organizational skills/experience needed to make it past a phone interviews and is currently not working.

He had friends as a child and through highschool and his early 20's but 1 by 1, he alienated them - intentionally.  He had a girlfriend in highschool that he broke up with and has never had another love relationship.  He has 3 older sisters, 1 older step brother (from step dad) and 1 younger half-brother (from step-mom).  His dad and I divorced when he was 2 and we each remarried others when he was 7.  He and his sisters split time (week on/week off) with us until his late teens when his relationship with his dad fractured and he chose to live with us full time.   He ultimately bought a house with his dad's assistance. 

He has been arrested twice for drinking and recklessly driving, lost his license, his vehicle, his pets (during his incarceration), and when he quit his job, he lost his house.  He has suffered great losses and this is complicated because his dad's business still owns the vehicle  and his dad still holds the deed on the house.  He is currently living with us.

He has been in patient psych twice - both times with psychosis - each time was 2-3 weeks where he took Zoloft and Zyprexa, his thoughts seemed to clear and he ultimately participated in in-patient therapy.  Each time he was discharged, he seemed mentally clear and willing to follow thru with outpatient therapy and medication... .each time he refused to refill the prescriptions and after 2 sessions with the counselor he was referred to, he refused to go again.  The counselor actually "fired" him stating she was not equipped to deal with his issues.

His behaviors:  Neat, overpowering, self-righteous, grandiose but demonstrating a poor self esteem at the same time, suspicious, argumentative, unaware of how his actions/behavior impacts those in his proximity, antagonistic, seeking validation, repeatedly professing everything he has "done" to get a job, repeatedly defending himself when challenged or asked to do more. 

He seems sad but denies it.  He occasionally says he's lonely and that we're his only friends and seems really happy when his siblings come over but then antagonizes them, goads them into arguments or just talks nonsensically - sometimes with threatening manner (but not direct words)

He has NO memory of conversations/events/commitments so holding him accountable is difficult. 

He pushes things to the limit... .asking his 4 year old nephew if he knows what a "neo-nazi" is, if he "knows his dad drinks too much" and other very inappropriate things. 

He is very uncomfortable with expressions of affection but makes jokes like calling me "mommy" or petting me on the head.  He laughs out loud - very loudly several times throughout the day with no stimulus... .and then when questioned about what is funny, makes statements under his breath or says "it's nothing I should say out loud". 

He is resistant to helping us with home maintenance - sleeping until late in the day and then getting up and "rubbing our noses in it" by saying things like "oh, I need a nap" or "why are you guys working so hard" - all the time smirking.  We have given him a list to work from in exchange for staying with us and he started working on some of the items but then quit and hasn't done anything in the last month.  He does clean up after himself, does dishes, cooks a meal or two a week and does his own laundry.  He seems addicted to polishing his boots... .he literally does it daily.  He is agreeable when asked to do a task but then just doesn't do it and ignores reminder statements.

He makes terrible statements to me saying he was a "failed abortion", he says that I'm "the devil",  that I "drink too much", that I was a "terrible mother"and as many hurtful things as he can think of sometimes and then other times seems very kind and ellicits my attention.  He has nothing good to say about his dad or his sisters or his older brother and says terrible things about people from his past.  Then in the next breath offers to make me lunch.

He does not directly threaten himself or others but makes veiled statements about "not being long for this world", "I can't wait to get my guns back" (they were confiscated during his last psych hospital stay), he occasionally refers to himself as evil.  He has had hallucinations (prior to his last hospitalization) but has not admitted to them since.  He was never given a formal diagnosis... .the psychiatrist said aspects of BPD, schizophrenia and bi-polar/depression but that he did not yet fit the criteria fully for any of them yet but that he was at the far end of the "normal" behavior spectrum and that if untreated, he would likely progress.  That was almost 2 years ago.

I work from home and he sits on nearby steps "on his perch" when he gets up and talks intermittently or laughs or makes inane comments interrupting my  concentration and ability to work... .when asked to be quiet or leave me be until after 5pm, he walks away for a few minutes but ultimately comes back and starts all over again as if the conversation never took place.

I love my son.  I am heartbroken and grieving the loss of what I thought his future might be like.  I grieve his pain, his loneliness, his inability to move forward, I grieve his losses and I fear his future.  I fear for my future, for the future of my relationship with my husband, for what life is going to be like.  I truly want to pack up our belongings and with my husband, move out of state because dealing with the unknown is so difficult. 

We have scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist in May, there is a counselor there who can treat Nick w/ talk therapy, and there are community support groups for mental illness that are free... .he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, said he's seen these people before and "they don't do anything" and says he will not take medication if it's recommended.  I don't even know if we can get him there, and if we do, that it will be beneficial as he is an adult and protected by HIPPA. 

I am reading "Stop walking on Eggshells" - chapter 3 so far, my husband has been reading on-line and we will be attending NAMI local support group for the 1st time next week... .How do I feel better?  How do I cope?  How do I get my life back?  How does this kid ever live independently?  What boundaries should we have in place?  Does he HAVE to live with us?  Is it detrimental to him to live nearby but on his own?  We are willing to help him but he isn't cooperating with ANYTHING.

How do I breath?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi youaremysonshine, 



I understand that you have a lot of questions, I just wanted to answer the last one, you don't have to carry all of the weight by yourself, you can share with us and we'll walk along you on this journey, you're not alone

His behaviors:  Neat, overpowering, self-righteous, grandiose but demonstrating a poor self esteem at the same time, suspicious, argumentative, unaware of how his actions/behavior impacts those in his proximity, antagonistic, seeking validation, repeatedly professing everything he has "done" to get a job, repeatedly defending himself when challenged or asked to do more. 

I wonder if he has NPD, a pwNPD have a grandiose sense of self, a pwBPD lack a sense of self. His SI behavior worries me, did you call a hotline for help for his suicidal behavior? Have you set boundaries for doing work around the house? What do you for self care? Self care is super[/url] important when you have a pwBPD/NPD or mental illness in their lives so that they don't burn the candles at both ends. Are you seeing a T? ( Therapist)

[Lollypop]

Hi there youarenysonshine

First of all welcome to the forum. Your post resonates with me on so many levels and I'm truly sorry you're going through this with your adult son. You obviously love him very much and it's just devastating to cope with, how to know how to move forwards as a family, or even if you have the strength to cope. We understand.

We have a BPDs who is 26 who returned home at 24 following a crisis and diagnosis. This forum has been our life saviour and 16 months on our BPDs is making progress with his life. He's now working and learning the skills he needs to live independently from us. We have hope where there was none. Our relationship is good now, despite the problems. It's been an amazing turnaround due to being consistent, fair and learning the skills I needed. I am now the parent he needs, an assertive but loving parent. I was too soft or too hard.

To be behave like  an adult, my son needed to be treated like one.  It hasn't happened overnight and has been done in a phased manner.

The first thing I did was learn as much as I could about BPD. Take a look at the tools on the top right hand side of this page. The book you're reading is an excellent one. You need to arm yourself with a toolkit that you need to deal with your adult son. It starts with improving your relationship with better communication and validation skills; boundaries and limits in your home.

We are here to help you but it's baby steps. It can get overwhelming so don't worry you're not on your own,

There is hope. I've accepted that my BPDs won't have the life I'd hoped for but he will find a way forwards for himself.

Your son will not cooperate. He is reluctant to grow up. He doesn't want the responsibility for himself, It needs be handed over to him.

Hugs

LP