Enjoying a socially obligatory function with a BPD BF (like a wedding)?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm BRAND NEW and this is my FIRST POST.  (I really hope I am posting to the right place) Have a BF of over 2 years who i have come to strongly suspect has BPD. care about him a lot but feel like relationship is at a crossroads, but really want to try everything so i know i gave it my all before throwing in the towel.  i care about him SO much. I have been taking steps to work towards not failing into "caretaker"mode, but as i am sure you all know, it is very hard, and sometimes when i am beginning to think things in the relationship are improving, i get discouraged by indications to the contrary...

i am so glad i stumbled upon this community and would love to know about actual steps to take/tactics to use to stop reacting so emotionally (crying in particular) to things like stonewalling, sudden temper changes, broken promises and/or distorting past conversations.

I also would love to get feedback from anyone who has found ways to attend socially obligatory functions that aren't necessarily "fun" (weddings, etc.) with someone with BPD (mine first shuts himself off entire from strangers, and then from me, and then starts to socialize independantly with strangers while disappearing/shutting down/acting cold and/or defensive whenever i get close and try to join in).  -FYI, usually the people getting married are friends of mine, or at least one is, and my BF has never meet them, or has only met them once. FWIW, i don't usually know many people beyond the bride/groom and maybe one or two other attendees, either, but he says "these are YOUR friends, YOU know EVERYONE and i don't know ANYONE"

Lastly, I just want to say how encouraged i feel just to know that this community exists.  I have come across some great resources about being involved with someone with BPD (books and online articles/blogs) but just stumbling across this community has given me a whole new level of hope, and for that, thank you.  I am eager to learn and share any insights of my own that I may come to have along the way.

[carrotscarrots]

I'm BRAND NEW and this is my FIRST POST.  (I really hope I am posting to the right place) Have a BF of over 2 years who i have come to strongly suspect has BPD. care about him a lot but feel like relationship is at a crossroads, but really want to try everything so i know i gave it my all before throwing in the towel.  i care about him SO much. I have been taking steps to work towards not failing into "caretaker"mode, but as i am sure you all know, it is very hard, and sometimes when i am beginning to think things in the relationship are improving, i get discouraged by indications to the contrary...

i am so glad i stumbled upon this community and would love to know about actual steps to take/tactics to use to stop reacting so emotionally (crying in particular) to things like stonewalling, sudden temper changes, broken promises and/or distorting past conversations.

I also would love to get feedback from anyone who has found ways to attend socially obligatory functions that aren't necessarily "fun" (weddings, etc.) with someone with BPD (mine first shuts himself off entire from strangers, and then from me, and then starts to socialize independantly with strangers while disappearing/shutting down/acting cold and/or defensive whenever i get close and try to join in).  -FYI, usually the people getting married are friends of mine, or at least one is, and my BF has never meet them, or has only met them once. FWIW, i don't usually know many people beyond the bride/groom and maybe one or two other attendees, either, but he says "these are YOUR friends, YOU know EVERYONE and i don't know ANYONE"

Lastly, I just want to say how encouraged i feel just to know that this community exists.  I have come across some great resources about being involved with someone with BPD (books and online articles/blogs) but just stumbling across this community has given me a whole new level of hope, and for that, thank you.  I am eager to learn and share any insights of my own that I may come to have along the way.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi carrotscarrots, 



I'd like to welcome you to the group, i'm glad to hear that you like what you see so far. There's a lot of wisdom on these forums, i'll share something with you that will help with conflict i.e. bringing up things from the past.

Probably one of the most important tools on this board in my opinion is JADE. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. A pwBPD will try to bait you into a fight but it's emotionally exaustive and problem solving rather then arguing will be more positive for everyone.

You can probably relate to this, if my exuBPDw thinks that the sky is red, I won't be able to convince her other wise. There's a quote from another member that I like and it goes something like this, "Reality is open to debate. Emotions and feelings are real" How one person perceives reality can be very different from one person to the next, for example witnesses to a car crash, the details will be slightly different to everyone. That being said, her reality is as real to her as mine is to me, I don't need to defend or Explain my reality, if she believes that sky is red, so be it. Don't JADE.

I think that weddings can be boring boring for non's too   I can't tell exactly what he'll be thinking, nobody can but I do know that a pwBPD feel a lot of shame, low self worth and self esteem, they don't think very highly of themselves and are hyper vigilant with rejection, they anticipate that people will reject them and are constantly scanning for queues. My guess is that he'll probably feel anxious about what others think of him.

[carrotscarrots]

Mutt, thanks for the good advice and warm welcome! 

Part of the challenge is that he was raised by a very strict father to always be ready to give a "why" behind each opinion or belief he shares.  He just revealed this to me recently--we just had an enlightening  conversation a couple days ago (yay, that's something positive, at least!) that started to get to the root of why our opinion- or taste-based arguments can be so frustrating to each of us--I tend to be very intuition driven, so i really DON'T like being asked to justify/defend my opinion or personal taste, so this JADE tactic sounds great to me, but as i said, he was raised to believe that including a "why" behind something isn't just helpful, it's necessary.  And of course, when his logic doesn't make sense to the logic I personally appeal to, I find myself resorting to justifying, etc.

I think self-esteem, fear of being perceived as less than is very likely a factor.  I am several years older than him and went to some fairly prestigious schools, and though we met on more or less an even playing field, I think he assumes that by default, many people at these events (those who i know and many of the ones who i don't know) are likely to be older, have more professional experience, and/or be more accomplished than he is. 

[Meili]

I too was brought up with the understanding that there must be a "why" behind every opinion. My ex-wife used to get so angry with me when I would expect her to have to "justify" her opinion. Looking back on all of it now, I can clearly see why she reacted the way that she did, so I'm really sorry that you have to experience that!

On the positive side, for me at least, I was genuinely curious about why she felt as she did. When I would try to find out why, it was really my trying to get to know her better.

Anyway, that probably wasn't very helpful to your situation.

Social engagements for people with a low self-esteem can be difficult. In that situation, the person with the low self-esteem can look to the person that they are with for protection. Is it possible for you to be empathetic about and validate his feelings in order to help him feel more secure?

[carrotscarrots]

Meili, thanks for sharing your personal experience and perspective. I loved this in particular:

On the positive side, for me at least, I was genuinely curious about why she felt as she did. When I would try to find out why, it was really my trying to get to know her better.

What you are saying is actually sort of what I just beginning to really understand about my boyfriend as we try to find ways to improve our communication.  Honestly, just having had this conversation recently with my boyfriend has really opened my eyes to some things.  Having him come right out and share that he was raised to always have an explanation for any feeling or opinion has been invaluable! It has given me so much more patience and understanding when he seems to expect one from me about things that i might not have a concrete explanation for and/or don't think an explanation is relevant/necessary.

I've also come to understand from that conversation and others in recent weeks that though he often expects a reason, he doesn't expect one from everyone he interacts with.  On the contrary, he really only expects/desires it from a handful of people that he is very close to/people whose reasoning and perspectives matter so much to him and whose opinions and beliefs he values most. So in a way, relationships that he values are marked by this sometimes intensely displayed desire from him to understand the thought process/rationale behind opinions, feelings, and decisions (often regardless of scenario or seriousness).

Mutt, just wanted to say thanks again and that I've been trying to incorporate some techniques (actively trying not to JADE and actively seeking out an element (or elements) of truth in what my BF is saying   (even if that "truth" is just that he really and truly is feeling quite strongly about something) and validating it. For some reason--maybe because I'm so emotionally driven myself--I find it freeing to acknowledge his feelings as being true and find that my frustration decreases when I strive to show respect towards him feeling a certain way. Not to say that it's all sunshine and daisies, but I'm definitely getting better at not taking his strong feelings as personally, and therefore, find I am not so quick to discount those feelings and should not judge or invalidate them. And therefore, i feel less guilty for him feeling a certain way, which makes it easier for me to stand my ground in a calm but firm way.

Even if i can't relate to  his logic or understanding or interpretation of the facts, i am finding that I am having a much easier time defusing charged (or potentially) situations. 

I'm trying to incorporate a lighter touch (sometimes with a bit of humor) when letting him know that maybe what he just said isn't the nicest thing. I also have begun (as i did months ago) applying a bit humor and poke  alittle fun at myself  to when i overreact to something or blow something a bit out of proportion. i had forgotten how this actually had been a really useful tool to defuse some (certainly NOT all) situations in the past.

So in summary, I am eager to continue exploring these tools because they are proving to be VERY useful--I still need to commit all of the steps tied to these acronyms to memory and develop instincts about which tool to reach for in a the face of varying scenarios. (I have begun to use DEARMAN, with pretty good success!) The important thing though is to be realistic that something will likely happen again when i least expect it. And to be on the alert (with concrete tools, responses, and plans in place) for when things do inevitably shift again, but to not live in fear or dread of that shift.