Feeling powerless and depressed about uBPD mother

[Kaitlyn]

Hi, I'm Kaitlyn and I stumbled upon this forum while googling something like "when parents dump emotions on kids" in hopes of finding people like me out there. I'm 22 and since graduating college in December, I've been going to therapy and my therapist pointed out the enmeshed relationship my mother and I have. I did not realize what enmeshment really meant and all of it's implications until now. Now everything in my life makes sense. I could never place why it was that I felt so deprived of my childhood. I am having such an intense emotional reaction to learning about enmeshment and Borderline Personality Disorder and would like some tools to cope.

I resent my mother so much. Whenever I try to talk to her about my anger, depression, loneliness, etc. all I get in return is "well you don't think I'm angry? You don't think I'm depressed? I've sacrificed everything for you" and then she proceeds to unleash 25+ years of emotion on me and then I end up comforting her or feeling guilty and powerless because I can't take her pain away. I know now that I don't deserve this and this is not how a mother/daughter relationship should be. My mother has been in therapy for 20 years and things have only gotten worse. She has zero respect for boundaries, she frequently talks poorly of my father, she is quick to criticize, she attempts to find some sort of control in her life through an obsession with cleaning, she loves to take credit for my accomplishments. Years ago, my father tried to make me aware of the implications of my mother's behavior but I was too young to know any better. Looking back, I see how it's affected my development. I used to think something was wrong with me but I now know that's not the case.

I have brought my mom to therapy sessions with me and it's like she hears me for that one hour and forgets everything as soon as she walks out the door. I'm feeling so powerless and depressed and in need of help right now. I want to cut off communication but I am not yet in the right place financially to do so. I don't trust that my mom is a reliable narrator when it comes to her therapist so I am considering emailing her therapist to make her aware of my mother's behavior. Is this wrong to do? My mother will not listen to anything I have to say without dumping her emotions on me and I'm not emotionally strong enough right now to even attempt to have that discussion with her and try to set a new boundary.

[Notwendy]

Hi Kaitlin-
It is tough to have a mother with BPD. The kind of conversations you have with your mother are similar to the ones I have with mine. If I attempt to tell her my feelings- with the hopes of resolution, the conversation becomes about her.

There is a lot to learn about BPD and family dynamics with BPD- and you are way ahead of me. I am middle age but also started to seek out answers when I was in college. There wasn't much known about BPD at the time, and also no internet. So when I tell you- you can do this- learn about BPD and be able to deal with your mother better, I know it can be done.

The most important thing I want you to know is that your mother's behavior is not about you. This means you aren't to blame for it but it also means that fixing her- trying to get her to listen to you and hear your side of things is probably not in your power. I can see you trying to do this and feeling invalidated and disappointed. I used to feel badly because my mother could not love me the way I wanted a mother to love me. Now, I don't feel bad about that at all- I am lovable. I understand that my mother's way of relating to me is because of her mental illness.

It isn't easy to not have this emotional connection with your mother. But you can one day have a happy family life of your own if this is what you choose. If you have children, you can have a mother- child relationship with them. If you do not choose to have children- you can have a family with a spouse, partner, good friends.

I will share with you some of the things I did that have made a difference. At your age, my number one goal was financial independence. I know that some young people right out of college don't have that yet. Some are starting out at jobs, or aiming for graduate school. However, keeping your eye on this goal is important. My mother used money to control us- and if we needed any financial help from her, we could not really make our own choices. I was very young when I decided that I had to be in a place where I didn't need money from my parents. This doesn't necessarily mean  being wealthy but it means not having to ask them for anything.

There is a saying I learned in groups- ACA ( adult children of alcoholics- includes adult children of dysfunction- even without alcohol). " Don't go to the empty well to drink". Your mother, emotionally, is an empty well. She's trying to deal with her own emotions. It's not that she doesn't want to be empathetic to yours. If people with BPD have trouble dealing with their own emotions, how can they have the tools to deal with someone elses? Use your time and energy in therapy to work on you- build your own support system. They say on an airplane- put your oxygen mask on first before you assist your children. But emotionally, your mother doesn't have enough emotional management skills for herself. You- at 21- can grab your own oxygen (emotional management ) mask. You can still spend time with your mother, but bringing her to therapy, trying to discuss depression with her, may not be something she knows how to manage. She can't even manage herself.

Learn about the drama triangle. I found that my mother ( and I think people with BPD ) tend to take victim position. There can only be one victim. If we say " you hurt my feelings" the way to remain in victim position is to say " well you hurt my feelings more". My goal was to stay out of the triangle dynamics as much as possible.

I have gotten the greatest joy from my own family. Although I could not have the family life I wanted in my FOO, I do have it now with my own family. Probably every relationships have challenges but thankfully the family I have now is not like the one I grew up in. But a warning about relationships- our FOO's tend to influence us to repeat patterns. This should not make you fearful- but be mindful and when/if you date, be mindful about your relationship dynamics and if it is good for you. It is good that you are seeing a therapist- as this can help you tune in to what is best for you.

I have not cut contact with my BPD mother. Some posters have done that though. We have choices and what is best for one person may not be what is best for another. There isn't one way to do this. Is my mother a challenge? Yes, but I do have the emotional skills to deal with her, and am still learning.

It's one step at a time. We are always learning. Although it is a challenge I hope you can be optimistic- your future is ahead of you- and there can be a lot of good in it.

[Notwendy]

Oh I see from another post that you are married to a H with BPD? The relationship board can help you with that too.

[Kaitlyn]

The most important thing I want you to know is that your mother's behavior is not about you. This means you aren't to blame for it but it also means that fixing her- trying to get her to listen to you and hear your side of things is probably not in your power. I can see you trying to do this and feeling invalidated and disappointed. I used to feel badly because my mother could not love me the way I wanted a mother to love me. Now, I don't feel bad about that at all- I am lovable. I understand that my mother's way of relating to me is because of her mental illness.

This is still so new to me so everything feels very intense right now. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words and advice.

[Notwendy]

It will get better - it takes some processing and time, but don't lose hope- not about getting your mother to hear and see you as you want her to- that isn't in your power, but don't lose hope in you.  Yes, it can feel hurtful- but you can get to a place where the things she says don't affect you the way they do now.

I don't think we stop longing for a parent, but we can accept that this is the parent we have- even if it wasn't what we wished for. So hang in there- keep your eye on your goals- becoming self sufficient and independent. Then you can make your choices from that standpoint.

When I got to a place ( with therapy and co-dependency work)  where my mother could rant at me and it didn't feel as bad ( note- as bad, not at all)- and I could manage that, it was a huge step. You can get there!