Living separately but want to restore the family unit

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm looking for advice on what to do. I have recently come to realize that my husband has BPD, his uncontrolled rages and manipulation lead me to realize this. I have two small children, one of them is 2 years old and the other is only 4 months old. About a month ago, before I knew that BPD was the problem I moved out temporarily because I needed my husband to understand that I would not longer put up with the screaming, cussing, andname calling when he is in a rage. He failed to follow this boundary even after we discussed it with a counselor and I became fearful that his rages could turn violent. For safety I have not wanted to return because he still doesn't have control over those moments when rage overcomes him. He has been started on medicine, an antidepressant, but that seems to only be making him more unstable. My other concern is that with us living separately he can't remember my true heart, he makes me a villain in his head. Should the children and I move home to help him overcome this fear of abandonment? What do I do if and when he rages again and breaks those boundaries of no scream, cussing or name calling?

[Pinkcowgirl]

I'm looking for advice on what to do. I have recently come to realize that my husband has BPD, his uncontrolled rages and manipulation lead me to realize this. I have two small children, one of them is 2 years old and the other is only 4 months old. About a month ago, before I knew that BPD was the problem I moved out temporarily because I needed my husband to understand that I would not longer put up with the screaming, cussing, andname calling when he is in a rage. He failed to follow this boundary even after we discussed it with a counselor and I became fearful that his rages could turn violent. For safety I have not wanted to return because he still doesn't have control over those moments when rage overcomes him. He has been started on medicine, an antidepressant, but that seems to only be making him more unstable. My other concern is that with us living separately he can't remember my true heart, he makes me a villain in his head. Should the children and I move home to help him overcome this fear of abandonment? What do I do if and when he rages again and breaks those boundaries of no scream, cussing or name calling?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Pinkcowgirl:  
I'm sorry about the problems you are having with your partner.  Are you both still in therapy?  

Antidepressants can take a least a month to kick in. Even then, a doctor may want to increase the dosage over the course of the following month or two, to get to a target dosage.  Sometimes, it can be a trail and error situation and different meds are tried.

Your safety, and that of your children, needs to be a priority.  You enforced a boundary, when you temporarily moved to your parent's home.  If you go back, without change on his part, you could end up where you started.  It's good that he started some meds, but the combination of that and therapy will likely lead to better behavior.  He needs to learn to manage his emotions better.  Pills can generally set the stage for some successful coaching.

There are several lessons in the right-hand margin.  A good place to start is with the "Basic Tools".  A good first lesson to learn is ":)on't be Invalidating".  Although it's most important to NOT invalidate, it can be helpful to validate your partner's feelings.  That doesn't mean that you agree with his position on some matter.  You never want to validate something that is invalid.  Validating feelings, is just acknowledging that you understand what they are feeling (not that you necessarily agree with it).

You have to have your hands full with a 2-year-old and a 4 month old baby.  While you are at your parent's home, it could give you an opportunity to learn some of the communication skills here.  The only thing you can control is the way you interact with him and react to him.  Using certain skills can make it better for you.

Are there certain things he tends to rage about?

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome. The lessons that Naughty Nibbler mentioned are a great start.

Take care of yourself; you really don't have to risk being around that kind of rage. If you are scared, better to keep yourself safe.

I moved out temporarily [... .]

Will you have to find a new place soon, either because your ability to stay is limited, or because it isn't very comfortable for you and your children?

[Pinkcowgirl]

My children and I moved out temporarily, by temporarily I mean we wish to go back and have our family together. We have the ability to live with my parents indefinitely. They are extremely helpful with the kids and my kids have their own room. But I do want to be reconciled with my husband.

About validating him, tonight I tried validating that he felt like he had moved on past the damage he had done to me. I didn't tell him that I had moved on only that I understood that he felt like he had moved on past it. Later in the conversation he said we have both moved past the damage done by his rages l. I corrected him and said he moved on but I haven't. Things didn't go very well from there. How do you validate feelings without someone thinking you are agreeing? Or was he just hearing what he wanted to hear?

His rages can be triggered by any number of things, I used to have a mental list but it got so long I basically wasn't talking anymore. His last rage before I moved out was because I said I felt like he wasn't trying. Other times he's cussed at our 2 year old for being indecisive about where she wants her sippy cup. One of his worst rages was when I tried to implement the plan of taking a break when things got heated and I left the house. He caught me in the driveway and came unglued!

He doesn't seem to understand the fear/ verbal abuse  we were living in. I guess that's for the therapists to help with. Yes he is currently in therapy, DBT, and seeing a psychiatrist. I'm in counseling and we are in couples counseling.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad to hear you have a safe and comfortable place for yourself and your children while you work on the relationship with your husband.

I'm also glad to hear he's in DBT. It is a long program, but it does work.

How do you validate feelings without someone thinking you are agreeing? Or was he just hearing what he wanted to hear?

In the end, he will hear what he wants to hear. I'm assuming that you understand that validation is acknowledging his feelings, not agreeing with him.

Validation is a subtle tool, and best used when you are feeling calm and caring (otherwise it will be insincere, and not work), and when he's calm enough to be receptive. (I suggest you practice it on people in your life who don't have BPD as well; it is easier with them.)

Using validation to end a rage or dysregulation is very difficult so don't be surprised if you fail. And if it doesn't work, be ready to remove you from the situation and let him work through the mood himself.

One of his worst rages was when I tried to implement the plan of taking a break when things got heated and I left the house. He caught me in the driveway and came unglued!

That's not unusual. Consider what is happening: His internal, emotional world is in turmoil, with intense feelings he doesn't have the tools to deal with well. His favorite coping mechanism for that is to blame it on you, and use you as an emotional punching bag to deal with his feelings.

When you go away, you are taking that away from him, and he's stuck without a way of addressing his feelings.

He doesn't like it, and will do all kinds of things to stop you.

If you are consistent in getting yourself away, it will be good for you (Being an emotional punching bag damages you!), good for him (He has the opportunity to find other ways of coping with his feelings, hopefully better ones, especially since he should be learning some in DBT), and good for your r/s (This kind of conflict just damages your r/s without resolving anything).

Do you need more help getting yourself out of these conflicts/rages/dysregulations? If so, describe what leads up to a typical one starting, and we can help you with solutions.