First post - any advice welcome

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is my first post on here. Just wanting some guidance on how to proceed with my ex. He has been recently diagnosed with BPD and I am struggling to know how or even if I can help him.

We met several years ago and he broke up with me after only a few months. But I have kept in touch with him as I was worried about his mental state (he has talked of suicide regularly, although with more intensity in recent months), and because I was going through my own difficult time of illness and anxiety at the time, and I guess it helped to talk to someone who I felt understood. Our relationship in that period was more than just friendship and I tended to hook up with him every few months, something that felt wrong at the time, and I definitely regret it now.

His problems stretch back to his childhood and in adulthood have manifested as an inability to stick with study and jobs and so his life has been very volatile. Despite this he has been able to get good jobs but he inevitably loses them a few months later, because he is unable to get stuff done or even show up sometimes. He has now lost his latest job and is in a huge amount of debt so things are not looking good. It is likely that he will not be able to pay the rent fairly soon.

Now, I still care a great deal for him, but I am absolutely certain (at least when i'm feeling sane and not overtaken by my emotion!) that a relationship between us would not work anymore and the last few months have been trying to create some emotional distance between us. This has been really hard as he is very suicidal right now and I really don't want to end up feeling like I was the one to push him over the edge. He doesn't really have any other friends and doesn't speak to his family. I also now live quite a distance away. I really don't want to get into a situation where i'm bailing him out (couldn't afford to anyway!) or offering him somewhere to stay, as it would have a really bad effect on my own mental health. Honestly I think he feels the same way and i'm not sure he would ask me anyway. But at the same time if he were to become homeless I would probably feel compelled to help in some way... .

Just needed to vent... .not sure what else to do

[L47]

This is my first post on here. Just wanting some guidance on how to proceed with my ex. He has been recently diagnosed with BPD and I am struggling to know how or even if I can help him.

We met several years ago and he broke up with me after only a few months. But I have kept in touch with him as I was worried about his mental state (he has talked of suicide regularly, although with more intensity in recent months), and because I was going through my own difficult time of illness and anxiety at the time, and I guess it helped to talk to someone who I felt understood. Our relationship in that period was more than just friendship and I tended to hook up with him every few months, something that felt wrong at the time, and I definitely regret it now.

His problems stretch back to his childhood and in adulthood have manifested as an inability to stick with study and jobs and so his life has been very volatile. Despite this he has been able to get good jobs but he inevitably loses them a few months later, because he is unable to get stuff done or even show up sometimes. He has now lost his latest job and is in a huge amount of debt so things are not looking good. It is likely that he will not be able to pay the rent fairly soon.

Now, I still care a great deal for him, but I am absolutely certain (at least when i'm feeling sane and not overtaken by my emotion!) that a relationship between us would not work anymore and the last few months have been trying to create some emotional distance between us. This has been really hard as he is very suicidal right now and I really don't want to end up feeling like I was the one to push him over the edge. He doesn't really have any other friends and doesn't speak to his family. I also now live quite a distance away. I really don't want to get into a situation where i'm bailing him out (couldn't afford to anyway!) or offering him somewhere to stay, as it would have a really bad effect on my own mental health. Honestly I think he feels the same way and i'm not sure he would ask me anyway. But at the same time if he were to become homeless I would probably feel compelled to help in some way... .

Just needed to vent... .not sure what else to do

[joeramabeme]

Hi l47

I have read posts similar to yours and it is a very difficult situation, I commend your looking for input from others.

Here are a couple of thoughts.  When you feel responsible for another persons behaviors ask yourself, can I really change what that person decides to do with their lives?  Perhaps the answer is partially yes.  Yes in that, you can let someone know you care and that you value them - which it sounds like you do.  We all have a need to be loved and cared about that helps define who we are in the world.

The other part of my thought goes hand in hand; explain that while you care that you are also going to take care of yourself.  I don't mean tell him you are abandoning him, rather, provide him an opportunity to see that you will be making your own decisions for your welfare too - just like he needs to make decisions for his.  Perhaps do this over a number of conversations, let him acclimate to the idea and begin to potentially see himself as the one who has power over his decisions and not your feelings towards him.

This type of approach empowers both of you providing a caring way to be who you are supposed to be.

What do you think?

[L47]

Thank you, yes that does make a lot of sense. I have been trying to put this message across - that i do care, but at the same time need to take care of myself. Although, he often sees this as me trying to abandon him as in his mind everybody leaves him eventually.

I will continue to try and encourage him to consider his options and make better choices, while not compromising myself. But it difficult, and i often wish i could just walk away.