Remorse is tearing me apart.

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been about a year since my ex and I broke up. She was clearly a disordered individual. I don't believe she was a typical individual with BPD, but she undoubtedly displayed the traits associated with the disorder. I spoke at length with my psychologist about our relationship, and he was the first to mention it to me. BPD had never ever been on my radar, but it really does make sense. I was raised by my a mother who was officially diagnosed with BPD, and the similarities that my ex and my mom share are incredibly apparent, but I'm not here to talk about my ex. I have a severe anxiety disorder, OCD. It's not the fun, quirky OCD. It's the I wash my hands until they bleed OCD, or I'll reread the same page of a book 50 times in a row to ensure I understand it completely OCD. I've spent a cumulative 9 months in a residential treatment center called the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute at McLean Hospital because my symptoms are so severe. When I started spending a significant amount of time with my then girlfriend in person, my anxiety became overwhelming. I was insecure. I was jealous. I obsessed over the fact that she may not love me, or she's looking for another person to replace me. I allowed these thoughts to be become toxic in our relationship. Little by little, I managed to erode the trust and love she had for me by means of meaningless arguments.

I tried to so hard to rationalize, and bite my tongue when I knew I was being crazy, but the damage had been done. This was my first meaningful relationship with someone who I loved more than anyone else on the planet, and in my naivety, I thought that would be enough to maintain a healthy and loving relationship. I was wrong. My overwhelming anxiety led to circular arguments and unhelpful resolutions. I played a major role in killing this relationship and letting the person I love most down. I am ashamed of the way I behaved. Letting someone you love down is maybe one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Over the last year, I've been in therapy to address my insecurities, my jealous, the way in which my OCD pervades my relationships, and I truly believe I have a handle on it now. My only regret is that I didn't do this work before meeting her, because I truly and completely love this woman. The connection we had was electric. Even before the mirroring, we were fairly similar. It just worked. I just don't know how to forgive myself for the role I played in the dissolution of a once loving relationship. How do you move on after you disappointed someone you cared about more than the world? I'm a little drunk, so I hope this isn't too incoherent. I woke up today in tears for the first time in a while, and I just needed an outlet. Thank you for reading.

[PolandSpring4]

It's been about a year since my ex and I broke up. She was clearly a disordered individual. I don't believe she was a typical individual with BPD, but she undoubtedly displayed the traits associated with the disorder. I spoke at length with my psychologist about our relationship, and he was the first to mention it to me. BPD had never ever been on my radar, but it really does make sense. I was raised by my a mother who was officially diagnosed with BPD, and the similarities that my ex and my mom share are incredibly apparent, but I'm not here to talk about my ex. I have a severe anxiety disorder, OCD. It's not the fun, quirky OCD. It's the I wash my hands until they bleed OCD, or I'll reread the same page of a book 50 times in a row to ensure I understand it completely OCD. I've spent a cumulative 9 months in a residential treatment center called the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute at McLean Hospital because my symptoms are so severe. When I started spending a significant amount of time with my then girlfriend in person, my anxiety became overwhelming. I was insecure. I was jealous. I obsessed over the fact that she may not love me, or she's looking for another person to replace me. I allowed these thoughts to be become toxic in our relationship. Little by little, I managed to erode the trust and love she had for me by means of meaningless arguments.

I tried to so hard to rationalize, and bite my tongue when I knew I was being crazy, but the damage had been done. This was my first meaningful relationship with someone who I loved more than anyone else on the planet, and in my naivety, I thought that would be enough to maintain a healthy and loving relationship. I was wrong. My overwhelming anxiety led to circular arguments and unhelpful resolutions. I played a major role in killing this relationship and letting the person I love most down. I am ashamed of the way I behaved. Letting someone you love down is maybe one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Over the last year, I've been in therapy to address my insecurities, my jealous, the way in which my OCD pervades my relationships, and I truly believe I have a handle on it now. My only regret is that I didn't do this work before meeting her, because I truly and completely love this woman. The connection we had was electric. Even before the mirroring, we were fairly similar. It just worked. I just don't know how to forgive myself for the role I played in the dissolution of a once loving relationship. How do you move on after you disappointed someone you cared about more than the world? I'm a little drunk, so I hope this isn't too incoherent. I woke up today in tears for the first time in a while, and I just needed an outlet. Thank you for reading.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PS4, I suggest you stop beating yourself up.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder and it's doubtful anything you could have done would have changed the outcome, so cut yourself some slack.  The reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last, as many on this board can attest.  Suggest you avoid taking 100% of the responsibility for the b/u.  I'm sure you had plenty of help from your Ex!  Give yourself a break.  Try to learn and grow from your pain.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Hi PolandSpring4,

I can understand your feelings of regret, and I'm sorry that you are hurting. It's totally natural under the circumstances. Not being able to be with someone you love hurts, plain and simple. I hope you let yourself cry and most importantly feel the emotions that just want to move.

As you know, it really does take two to tango, so please be gentle with yourself. It's human nature to blame ourselves and others, but does it help us move forward and find joy and love? I think that's a worthwhile question to ask ourselves at times like these. 

How are you feeling today?

heartandwhole

[PolandSpring4]

Thank you for the replies and encouragement. I am feeling okay. I know that I didn't really comment on her behavior in my initial post because I wanted to focus solely on my negative contributions to the relationship. I know that it's not all my fault, but I'm a person who tends to absorb blame in every situation. I can forgive others easily, but I still haven't mastered self-forgiveness. I'm a work in progress I guess.

It's hard to reconcile who you thought they were with who they are now. Being told you are their forever partner, only to be treated as though you don't exist a week later. To hear they're engaged 2 months after you break up is soul crushing. In the end, I'm a tiny blip on the timeline that is her life, and she's a seemingly insurmountable mountain on mine. Just gotta keep chipping away.

I feel very blue this morning. I'm writing this with mist in my eyes, but I'm still getting to the gym 6 days a week, reaching out to friends, and doing the other things people tell me I should do, and I think it's helpful. Thank you for listening.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm a person who tends to absorb blame in every situation. I can forgive others easily, but I still haven't mastered self-forgiveness.

Hey PolandSpring4, That's true for a lot of us Nons: we are good at shouldering the blame, and those w/BPD are good at shifting the blame to us in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.  Don't buy into it!  Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it.  Don't beat yourself up!  You're human.  Be kind to yourself.  A big part of my recovery has been learning to love and accept myself despite my flaws.  Maybe you could do the same?

LuckyJim

[Icefog]

I had the same experience. My now ex BPD partner had told me repeatedly I was the love of her life and just two days before abruptly pulling the pin had told others that this was the greatest relationship in the world and we were going to be together for life. She then texted me to say it was over and would not speak with me again and hasn't. Despite my pleas to get together and at least do closure she refused. Oh, and we work together as well and it was like I don't exist and still don't. I had to do a lot of head work to process how someone could do that to another person and make them feel insignificant the way she did. The thing is I know I am not insignificant and it's her maladaptive coping and lack of empathy for others that enables her to do this. Having said that my intellectual knowledge regarding the BPD traits do little to stem the pain. I can try and think my way through it but it often doesn't work. Now I embrace the pain for what it is, allow myself to go with it for a short period of time and let that ship sail by. I even visualize a boat on a river drifting by with the name anxiety or sadness on it. I am in the water and the boat is coming right at me. Instead of trying to push the boat away or resist it I grab on and drift for a while. Then I say "its time for me to let you go" and visualize letting the boat go and watch it disappear around the corner. It works for me. That exercise was taken from a Book called the Depression Map by Randy Paterson. 

[heartandwhole]

I can try and think my way through it but it often doesn't work. Now I embrace the pain for what it is, allow myself to go with it for a short period of time and let that ship sail by. I even visualize a boat on a river drifting by with the name anxiety or sadness on it. I am in the water and the boat is coming right at me. Instead of trying to push the boat away or resist it I grab on and drift for a while. Then I say "its time for me to let you go" and visualize letting the boat go and watch it disappear around the corner. It works for me. That exercise was taken from a Book called the Depression Map by Randy Paterson. 

Hi icefog,

Thank you for sharing your visualization. You make a good point about feeling your feelings instead of pushing them away. I think that is very important in the aftermath of a breakup. I believe there is value in taking action, distracting our minds, reaching out, etc., but ultimately if we aren't willing to feel our feelings, I don't think we are going to be able to grow and allow the changes that will shift our patterns.

Not an easy thing to do. I like your approach of drifting with the boat for awhile and then letting it go.

heartandwhole