Daily life...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. My partner has only recently started therapy and only shares little bits of information which is fine and I'm trying really hard not to comment too much but apparently I am his biggest trigger and his therapist said that as long as he feels ok it doesn't matter what I am feeling. To me, this does not leave a path open for communication. I am so confused and tired of being the reason for our issues. He told me he does not like his therapist and then he believes he is working for the darkness and that he finds it boring. I feel I am going slightly crazy! Maybe it is me...

[Torit]

Hi. My partner has only recently started therapy and only shares little bits of information which is fine and I'm trying really hard not to comment too much but apparently I am his biggest trigger and his therapist said that as long as he feels ok it doesn't matter what I am feeling. To me, this does not leave a path open for communication. I am so confused and tired of being the reason for our issues. He told me he does not like his therapist and then he believes he is working for the darkness and that he finds it boring. I feel I am going slightly crazy! Maybe it is me...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

If you were not in the picture would your partner do the same to someone else? Are you the ONLY person he has EVER triggered him? You are not to be blamed for his behavior. Your partner is an adult and he chooses how he acts. On the same note, you also can choose how someone treats you. We allow the behavior that happens to us.

Learning to let him/her be responsible for their own behavior is very important. For instance when your partner tells you that you are the reason he is triggered, put it back on him. You can say something along the lines of, "My words may have hurt your feelings but you still chose to yell at me (or throw things or whatever it is). Of course this would not be the best thing to say DURING the argument because at that time it's important to validate, but afterwards when debriefing over the fight this is where resolution can begin to occur.

One other thing to consider, your partner may be twisting the therapists words to either justify themselves or they are misunderstanding a therapist. I cannot imagine that a real therapist would tell someone that their partner's feelings do not matter.

[isilme]

You are taking as 100% accurate the word of a person with an emotional dysfunction to report accurately what a Therapist is telling them, a person whose issues stem heavily from avoiding shame and responsibility for their own actions and reactions?  And supposedly the word os a Therapist the pwBPD does not like?  A Therapist who has prolly not spoken directly to you, and is getting a warped, one-sided view of your lives?

Don't. 

Therapy is hard for anyone.  For any benefit, you need to be honest, open, and take responsibility for your own actions and learn new ones.  If you have a condition that means you can. not. face. shame. without lying, twisting or trying to dodge it, imagine what therapy must be like.  Imagine how much blameshifting happens on the ride home.  How much of a need there is to still make it all someone else's fault. 

Unless you are in joint sessions or companion sessions following those with your partner, you cannot take it as 100% truthful.  Your reactions can sometimes accidentally put fuel on the fire, but you did not cause the fire in the first place.

[Torit]

Thanks for the response. I love the part about fire! It's so tough dealing with all of this and I agree I can't trust 100% that thi is what the therapist means. I just am at a loss as to what to say or ask!