Now it's affecting the kids...

[FoolsFolly]

So I've been using the resources I've found here and elsewhere on the web and for the most part I've been able to navigate things fairly well. However, I guess it was only a matter of time before her behavior would start affecting my kids, as well. Last night may have been a final straw for me, but I'm trying to calm down before making any decisions.

Here's the background. I have a 17-year-old daughter who has been in inpatient treatment twice for an eating disorder, severe depression and anxiety. She attempted suicide before her last inpatient round. She struggles with everything, especially with going to school, and has a tendency to use a lot of negative self-talk, which I discourage. She sees a therapist weekly, along with a psychiatrist and a dietitian, so it's not like these things aren't being aggressively treated. As of now we seem to have things at a somewhat do-able level, though of course there's still room for improvement on the mental-health front.

So, last night, I'm getting ready for bed and I hear my girlfriend say (aggressively) "I think you're just an emotional 17-year-old. All 17-year-olds are emotional." Basically, saying that everything the kid has gone through over the past few years could be chalked up to "normal" teenage angst, and that she needs to suck it up and do things that need to be done whether she "feels like it" or not. She wasn't saying it in a compassionate, concerned way, either. She was yelling. This stemmed from the kid using that negative self-talk in a joking way. As in, we were all joking around, the kid made an off-color self-depreciating joke, and suddenly *just like that* there was an argument that culminated into my kid sitting outside with a friend crying her eyes out for almost an hour and my girlfriend being pissed off at me and giving me the silent treatment (which has carried over into today) for daring to tell her she was out of line in how she handled that situation.

There is no in-between. There is no room for discussion in these matters. If I say anything at all (or so much as raise an eyebrow) about how she handles the kids or speaks to the kids, it's a guaranteed two or three day argument between us. She goes directly to "I need to move out because I can't say anything to your kids ever without you getting upset about it" and never "you've been dealing with these kids way longer than I have, so maybe you can give me some pointers on how to approach things with them in a constructive way." And it's ALWAYS an ultimatum - either let me do and say what I want or I'm leaving.

I'm feeling absolutely heartbroken today, because I feel like it's getting to the point where I either need to decide I'm up for doing damage control all the time or I need to make a clean break. If it were just me dealing with this, I could do it. But I don't think I can ask my kids to deal with this stuff, especially since they already have enough things they're dealing with themselves.

Ugh. Any advice?

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[livednlearned]

Hi FoolsFolly,

I'm really sorry to hear your D17 has been struggling with depression/anxiety and negative self-talk. My son is the same way and it takes a toll, that's for sure.

It's so hard when you have two loved ones struggling with mental health issues.

The silent treatment is particularly tough.

Your GF likely feels that she's the outsider in the dynamic, and this may trigger chronic insecurity or inadequacy on her part. PwBPD don't tend to handle envy or jealousy very well.

It is usually hard to have a rational conversation when a BPD loved one is dysregulated, and if she was yelling, chances are she was emotionally aroused.

Does your GF respond to validation?

[FoolsFolly]

Hi livednlearned!

She does respond to validation and I was eventually able to de-escalate the situation by validating what she was trying to say and the fact that she does, indeed, feel like an outsider in the home and how difficult that must be. Now we're in the phase of "I don't know why you love me, I run my mouth too much, you're going to leave me" etc. Her and the kid have not really spoken to each other at all since the incident.

I guess I need to learn to try to do that before things get way out of hand, which I'm discovering is really difficult when every bone in my body just wants to protect my kid. :/

[livednlearned]

I guess I need to learn to try to do that before things get way out of hand, which I'm discovering is really difficult when every bone in my body just wants to protect my kid. :/

Have you tried SET with her?

Support, empathy, truth. It's a skill discussed on these boards, as well as in Shari Manning's "Loving Someone with BPD" and I believe also in Valerie Porr's Overcoming BPD.

Because the truth is that you are a mom first, and your daughter has high needs. If your GF is testing you to see whether you protect D17 or GF, that will put you in a constant loyalty bind.

GF has to know that isn't ok.

She is the adult.

Support and empathy are the validation part.
Truth is making sure she knows how you will respond, and why that's appropriate.