I grew up feeling like an emotional burden to my parents

[isilme]

Ugh.  As a kid, my BPD mom routinely overspent and finally we were evicted a week before Christmas.  She could not face telling us, partly I am sure because my BPD dad (yeah, got a matched set, yay, me) was incredibly volatile and physically violent - he had a history of beating us and threatening self-harm and murder-suicide of our whole family unit (just 3 of us but still).  So Mom OD'd when she found out, and then I learned about it when we were visiting her in the hospital as they pumped her stomach.  

Dad had been working two jobs plus receiving a pension at that time, but it was not enough.  She worked from home, a little freelance type stuff, but it was not enough.  She tried to blame me for our rent being too high because 14 year old me got excited about living in a house with a pool - therefore it was my fault they rented that house.  And I believed it for years.  

I think maybe some of these demands for material items is to allow her to deny you are in dire straights.  It's to assuage her fears that not only are you facing severe money issues, but that your standard of living might need to be scaled back even more, and her ego must be tied to all of that.

Anyway - bankruptcy, debt consolidation help, financial counseling?  Have you spoken to anyone who could offer your some practical ways out?  

Also, H's car ran out of freon (small leak), so I managed to charge the sucker about 9 months back - still working.  Kit was $14 from Walmart, came with a hose.  Autozone and other places also carry them.  You just need one that comes with a hose and gauge and look on youtube for her model of car.  Might get you guys past this period, allow her to drive, and make it evident that you ARE working to fix things.  Some of them plug leaks while they refill the freon - it's an idea

I got myself into some debt trying to not have to tell H "no, we can't afford that."  I was not willing to go past rent and utilities, but I scraped it pretty close some months.  I am the main provider.  He is finally helping quite a bit, but there was a period of about 7 years where I was the only one working period or full time.  He regrets those years now, but that was a long time coming, and a long time for him to admit.  He found out about the debt recently and sees that he contributed (amazing, actually) to it.  It's not much by most people's standards, but I hate it and finally, he is scaling back from his spending to allow me to pay things off.  It took an argument and me feeling like a horrible ass for not being able to provide like I want to get here.  You have a hard road ahead, but lots of people find themselves facings stuff like this, especially since 2008.  You WILL get yourself squared away.  You WILL manage to find some way to be housed, pay utilities, and you may need to drag her kicking and screaming through it, but she can't wish the sky purple just because - reality exists even if her emotions can't handle it.  And you might just need to tell her exactly that - I have to do this whether you can see it or not.  The Joneses don't need to be kept up with - they don't care and don't notice you.  You can yell and call me names and be sad, but those don't put money in the bank.  (Sorry, venting some of my own feelings here).  

[Notwendy]

My father earned a good living when they were first married, enough for my mother to shop for whatever she wanted.

But you marry for better and for worse. Just as 2008 changed people's situation, my father's income relative to inflation changed due to other circumstances beyond his control. They also had kids, and kids are an additional cost. We were not poor, but our budget could not accommodate too much spending.

I grew up actually feeling like a financial burden to my parents. Like Islme - my mother blamed me for many of the issues she and my father faced, and as a kid, I believed them. I knew that there was financial strain and not much I could do about it. I graduated early and became as independent of them as quickly as I could.

Your wife may have married with high income expectations. But that isn't the reality now. If it is that important that she have a higher income provider - then she will need to make some choices too. But the husband she has is you and you seem to be doing the best you can to earn a living at the moment.

[cubicinch]

My father earned a good living when they were first married, enough for my mother to shop for whatever she wanted.

But you marry for better and for worse. Just as 2008 changed people's situation, my father's income relative to inflation changed due to other circumstances beyond his control. They also had kids, and kids are an additional cost. We were not poor, but our budget could not accommodate too much spending.

I grew up actually feeling like a financial burden to my parents. Like Islme - my mother blamed me for many of the issues she and my father faced, and as a kid, I believed them. I knew that there was financial strain and not much I could do about it. I graduated early and became as independent of them as quickly as I could.

Your wife may have married with high income expectations. But that isn't the reality now. If it is that important that she have a higher income provider - then she will need to make some choices too. But the husband she has is you and you seem to be doing the best you can to earn a living at the moment.

I grew up feeling like an emotional burden to my parents, as my father was having breakdowns, schizophrenia, PD, and chronic depression. My mother is very strong, a stalwart caretaker, but I grew up seeing breakdowns and trauma, and felt I had to hide my emotions and not burden my parents  because they had no room for me. I never felt I could go to my mother with my problems, so locked a lot away inside. Only recently has this changed, they are both still alive and morality has changed things... opened a few closed paths. It's late in my life, but at least it's something. What I'm trying to say is that I hope you have some sort of relationship with your folks.

[Notwendy]

Overall, I had a good relationship with my father, although it was strained when I stood my own with BPD mom. All things considered, I think he was a great father and did the best he could with difficult circumstances. He passed away a while ago.

My BPD mother is still alive. I do have a relationship with her. It doesn't seem like typical mother daughter, it hasn't ever been,  but using the tools on this board has helped me navigate it.

I don't think my father intended for me to feel like a burden, but I see how I acquired co-dependent behavior and felt I should somehow try to fix these financial issues that were not my responsibility at all.

[isilme]

I grew up feeling like an emotional burden to my parents, as my father was having breakdowns, schizophrenia, PD, and chronic depression

Not to hijack the post,  but wow.  Yes.  I was an only child, and this describes a lot how I felt.  There was no room for me, I was a toy to be put away and keep quiet and out of sight until they wanted to take me off the shelf and interact.  They were very wrapped up in their own emotional dysfunction, so my day to day care was left to me from about age 5.  Thank goodness the microwave existed.  I never even told my mother when I started my period - it never occurred to me to mention it until a  few months later.  I just found what I needed in the bathroom and took care of it.  I also felt (and was told I think) that my purpose was to ensure they were both happy - that was my point for living.  And when they were sad, angry (dysregulated) I was very depressed because I was a terrible child for failing them.  Codependent. 

Fast forward to adult relationships, and you end up with me feeling (initially) that my sole purpose was to proved any and everything that H wanted or needed.  So I enabled him.  I did not tell him when we could not afford things and just made it happen, no matter what I gave up or if I went into debt. 

Yes, the OP's W might have felt that he provided fine in the beginning, but things have changed, and yes, it's for better or worse, and she needs to grow up and deal with reality (I know, I know, hard, but really?  A roof versus a car's AC?  She is living in a fantasy and mad when the OP point out reality because it disturbs her emotions). 

Also, it may bear some investigation to rule out the idea she may be looking for a sugar daddy in the wings.  A look into her phone records online, quietly, should show if there is a pattern of unknown numbers.  I think this may be a very low chance - I think she'd be accusing her H of spending money on another woman to project her actions if she was cheating or preparing to, and explain to her own mind why he "won't" buy her a ring instead of saying he doesn't love her because there are limits to the amount of money coming in.  But, it could give the OP some peace of mind to just look into it, and rule this out.