Being Split Black is a Blessing...not a Curse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,
   I just wanted to reach out to all of you that have been split black. I know it hurts to essentially be "abandoned", to FEEL "hated" by someone you genuinely had feelings for and cared about, to be told by this person how terrible you are and how this is all your fault, but you know what... .

Being split black allows you the needed time away from your ex to heal. It allows you time to work on YOU, your issues and to grow as a person.

When was personal growth ever a "bad thing" or bad idea?

Being split black can be temporary... .or it can be permanent. There is no way of knowing, as each person is different. So rather than focus on WHY you are being split black and what you could have done differently (which is something you now have 0 control over at this point) why not take your ex's power over your thoughts away and focus on YOU, bettering yourself?

My ex split me black several times over a three year period. Each time, she came back, however there was no steadfast replacement person secured. Each time she left I thought it was "for good". I could have made that happen (for good) yet instead I took her back over and over... .and over, and over (you get the picture)! Each time she left me for "the flavor of the day" and came back begging me, I took her back. I took her back until that day came when she didn't come back.

I had pretty much conditioned myself to her returning so the final discard was much more difficult had I just gone with my gut instinct and ended this the first round... .
but sometimes you have to go through the muck as a "life lesson" and that is how I choose to look at this.

It's been two and a half years.

I won't say it's easy, it isn't but delving inside yourself, inside your own head and trying to work out why you stayed with someone who was not good for you is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It is painful going back in your thoughts, to situations where you were abandoned by someone you loved and trusted, tossed aside by someone you valued. But you need to examine these thoughts to get to the core of this relationship, to understand why you attracted this person and why you are allowing them to still control your thoughts today.

Moving on is not a one step process. If it were, none of us would be here. This site would likely not exist. To successfully work through these tough times you need to work on yourself. Once you respect and love yourself you won't settle for piss-poor treatment from anyone and if your ex does return you won't subject yourself to additional abuse.

When you think back on your past relationship you need to focus on the bad not the good. The bad shows you who this person was. Their actions are tangible. If you write a list of all the crap like the times they cheated, stole from you and other heinous events and really look at that list... .

Would you recommend your best friend date someone with these traits? If not, why should YOU settle for that? You love your best friend enough to want them to not be in a situation like that, why don't you respect yourself in the same vain?

Many of us on here, a solid majority are truly good people. We are loving, kind and want the best for others. We are caregivers. Being a caregiver is NOT a bad trait. Mother Teresa was a caregiver.  Being a doormat is.

Once you let someone treat you badly you show them how they can always treat you, what you will ALLOW, and those with personality disorders tend to gravitate toward this because they can "control" the situation. They have a hard time controlling themselves (if not being treated) but this, this they do have some control over.

IF you let them.

I say IF because you have the ultimate control. It's up to you, all of it, even NC. It's not NC if you are checking their social media daily. It's not NC if you are asking mutual friends about them.

When you let them enter your thoughts it's like they never left and IF, IF they return it makes it easier for them to re-engage with you if you haven't done the hard work on yourself.

Use this time wisely. You don't know how long you have and it's a gift. It really, truly is!

PW
 

[Pretty Woman]

Hi All,
   I just wanted to reach out to all of you that have been split black. I know it hurts to essentially be "abandoned", to FEEL "hated" by someone you genuinely had feelings for and cared about, to be told by this person how terrible you are and how this is all your fault, but you know what... .

Being split black allows you the needed time away from your ex to heal. It allows you time to work on YOU, your issues and to grow as a person.

When was personal growth ever a "bad thing" or bad idea?

Being split black can be temporary... .or it can be permanent. There is no way of knowing, as each person is different. So rather than focus on WHY you are being split black and what you could have done differently (which is something you now have 0 control over at this point) why not take your ex's power over your thoughts away and focus on YOU, bettering yourself?

My ex split me black several times over a three year period. Each time, she came back, however there was no steadfast replacement person secured. Each time she left I thought it was "for good". I could have made that happen (for good) yet instead I took her back over and over... .and over, and over (you get the picture)! Each time she left me for "the flavor of the day" and came back begging me, I took her back. I took her back until that day came when she didn't come back.

I had pretty much conditioned myself to her returning so the final discard was much more difficult had I just gone with my gut instinct and ended this the first round... .
but sometimes you have to go through the muck as a "life lesson" and that is how I choose to look at this.

It's been two and a half years.

I won't say it's easy, it isn't but delving inside yourself, inside your own head and trying to work out why you stayed with someone who was not good for you is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It is painful going back in your thoughts, to situations where you were abandoned by someone you loved and trusted, tossed aside by someone you valued. But you need to examine these thoughts to get to the core of this relationship, to understand why you attracted this person and why you are allowing them to still control your thoughts today.

Moving on is not a one step process. If it were, none of us would be here. This site would likely not exist. To successfully work through these tough times you need to work on yourself. Once you respect and love yourself you won't settle for piss-poor treatment from anyone and if your ex does return you won't subject yourself to additional abuse.

When you think back on your past relationship you need to focus on the bad not the good. The bad shows you who this person was. Their actions are tangible. If you write a list of all the crap like the times they cheated, stole from you and other heinous events and really look at that list... .

Would you recommend your best friend date someone with these traits? If not, why should YOU settle for that? You love your best friend enough to want them to not be in a situation like that, why don't you respect yourself in the same vain?

Many of us on here, a solid majority are truly good people. We are loving, kind and want the best for others. We are caregivers. Being a caregiver is NOT a bad trait. Mother Teresa was a caregiver.  Being a doormat is.

Once you let someone treat you badly you show them how they can always treat you, what you will ALLOW, and those with personality disorders tend to gravitate toward this because they can "control" the situation. They have a hard time controlling themselves (if not being treated) but this, this they do have some control over.

IF you let them.

I say IF because you have the ultimate control. It's up to you, all of it, even NC. It's not NC if you are checking their social media daily. It's not NC if you are asking mutual friends about them.

When you let them enter your thoughts it's like they never left and IF, IF they return it makes it easier for them to re-engage with you if you haven't done the hard work on yourself.

Use this time wisely. You don't know how long you have and it's a gift. It really, truly is!

PW
 

[Skip]

Being split black allows you the needed time away from your ex to heal. It allows you time to work on YOU, your issues and to grow as a person.

When was personal growth ever a "bad thing" or bad idea?

This is interesting... .

The five stages of detachments (see margin menu) speaks to self-inquiry and processing and creative action. The point is to not be mortally wounded by the relationship failure but to channel the energy to learn and grow from it.

In this sense "learn from your failures".  It couples with "learn from your success".

Does this mean that something hurtful in life is a blessing? Being ostracized, split black, hit by a car, contracting cancer?

I don't think so.

We can grow from adversity. Adversity, however, is not really a blessing.

What did you learn about yourself from "being split black"?

[Pretty Woman]

Skip, I have to politely disagree. Yes, getting Cancer... .not a blessing but getting Cancer and realizing you are terminal and you have done a lot of crap in your life you need to atone for... .
and have time to now do so, regardless of how limited it is... .
blessing.
(I know this is an extreme example).

It is subjective and very unique to the person, the experience but I believe all those situations you listed regardless of how painful, physically and or emotionally can result in personal growth and realizing something about yourself you never had prior to those circumstances.

What I learned about myself from being split black is I don't need my ex's validation to survive. I don't need my ex's validation to thrive.

In other words, I don't NEED my ex. Clinging to the "IDEA" of her, who I wanted her to be was holding me back from being the best version of myself I can be.

Staying engulfed in a toxic relationship that ebbed and flowed minute to minute allowed me to put blame elsewhere rather turn inward and take a deeper look at things. It allowed me to deflect and put the blame on an external source, my ex rather examine my own faults and shortcomings.

Sometimes it take difficult, hard or hurtful things to happen to jolt you, to make you re-examine and reframe life's experiences. I truly believe had I not gone through the ick, I wouldn't be as enlightened nor as aware of my own actions as I am now. I am definitely more mindful and I definitely do not internalize things and take others hurtful words personally as I have before. I know when to walk away from something that is not healthy for me.

[Skip]

It allowed me to deflect and put the blame on an external source, my ex rather examine my own faults and shortcomings... .

I truly believe had I not gone through the ick, I wouldn't be as enlightened nor as aware of my own actions as I am now. I am definitely more mindful and I definitely do not internalize things and take others hurtful words personally as I have before. I know when to walk away from something that is not healthy for me.

Sincere question. And a hard one/an advanced one. You have been doing recovery work for a while (4 years).

Are you saying that when she painted you black (deflected and put the blame on an external source, rather than examine her own faults and shortcomings), you learned to do the same?

Is this the blessing?

Could these lesson possibly be that you are overly dependent on the approval of others (for example). That you don't have a well differentiated sense of self.

It's a much different conclusion. It true it would take you on a much different journey. One of understanding "differentiation" and working on it.

The first concept in Family Theory is Differentiation of Self, or the ability to separate feelings and thoughts. Undifferentiated people can not separate feelings and thoughts; when asked to think, they are flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their responses on that. Further, they have difficulty separating their own from other's feelings; they look to others to define how they think about issues, feel about people, and interpret their experiences.

Differentiation is measured on a scale - and so the question becomes, do we need to advance up the scales t live a better life?

Differentiation is the process of freeing yourself from your other's processes to define yourself.

[Emotions]

If I can piggy back, perhaps the "blessing" is that us as care givers, would never consciously leave the relationship... .we would go down with the ship. Or as I read a month ago like a lemming, we would jump off with the other lemming... .the blessing is that it is a genuine opportunity and perhaps the ONLY chance to get out of the relationship and find ourselves again if we work hard enough... .could this possibly be what you are saying pretty women? I know if mine didn't paint me black, she wouldn't have cheated on me, and I would be moving in with her in the next week or so. Although I wouldn't be having to deal with my own issues and emotions, I would be back to the dysfunction and tension my relationship caused me, I wouldn't have known any better because it's all I knew the past many years... .however I have regained my spirit and although my emotions go up and down, I a mind NEVER anxious, tense, or stressed out like I used to be?

[Harley Quinn]

Personally, I feel every experience in my life to date has been a blessing.  That would include all of and especially the traumatic and painful ones because those have brought me to the biggest and most valuable lessons I have learned.  So in that I actually see the abuse as a blessing and the splitting black that created it, yes.  Because without that I wouldn't be where I am today and I am a product of all that has happened to me. 

Had my ex not split me black when he did, I might have been even further invested, drained and ultimately lost my soul completely.  So timing has been key and I think everything happens at the right time and for a reason.  Luckily for me I had a soul left to salvage and (just) enough strength left, albeit waning, to slowly pick myself up off the floor and start to rebuild my damaged life and sense of self.  It gave me the opportunity to see things clearly as they were and DO something to change that.  For which I'm grateful.

It might just be my outlook on things but would I see a terminal diagnosis for myself as a blessing?  Certainly not initially but ultimately yes.  It would give me even more gratitude for the life that I have remaining and to make the most of every single second of it.  Something I see as a gift.  We can waste so much of something that is so very precious... .Guess it all depends on how you look at things.

Love and light x

[Skip]

Would you seek it again as a stimulus to learn more?

[Harley Quinn]

I have done.  Unconsciously.  I have a history of abuse from men going way back.  Most recent example being I was in a ten year relationship with a covert narcissist and only out of it 18 months when I met my BPDex.  Clearly hadn't learned enough.  I feel life offers every experience as a lesson and unless we learn, then the lesson is repeated until we do.  That's how we end up in cycles.  If we take the learning we need more quickly and move forwards with that, then the cycle is broken.  I was always seeking answers and am an introspective individual by nature (studied psychology, spent years delving into tons of personal growth programmes and am a qualified NLP practitioner coach).  The awareness of my codependency was there and I'd identified behavioural traits that affected me in my life but I didn't know how, or see clearly enough through my relationships which derailed me, to put the pieces together.  I think it has taken the extreme recent trauma for the pieces to finally fall into place for me and my motivation to effect the necessary changes is directly driven from my BPD experience.  I owe my abusive ex a lot in that respect.  In fairness, his own self awareness and motivation to engage (when he was engaging for a time) with his treatment was also quite inspiring.  

So now, would I seek it again?  No.  This time I've now finally learned what I needed to and as a result that won't be presenting itself in my life again.  When I say that, I don't have a fairytale notion that I won't cross paths with abusive men, what I mean is that I have the wisdom and self awareness now to see the signs and to know myself better next time around.  With what I've learned I am taking steps to address the root causes of my codependency and work through my traumas so I'll be a stronger person at the end of it and no longer have the same baggage affecting my own behaviours.  I'll be healthier and able to make better choices.  A major difference this time too is that due to the violence, I've built up a good network of support which is sustaining and pushing me forwards.  I've used the contacts and information I've gained to create other opportunities for growth for myself and am positively impacting every aspect of my life.  It's massive really and that's where my gratitude comes in.  Because this momentum wouldn't have come about without what I've been through.  It may sound crazy but I'd do it over if I had to.  It has both been the worst and best relationship of my life and I am taking so much with me from it as a result.

Good question.

Love and light x

[roberto516]

I owe my abusive ex a lot in that respect.  In fairness, his own self awareness and motivation to engage (when he was engaging for a time) with his treatment was also quite inspiring.  

That's the crazy thing. I thank my first BPD ex for a lot of life lessons. Obviously I hadn't learned enough to stay away from another. But there were lessons that I am grateful for in a way. And one day... .YEEEAARSSS down the line. I'll probably thank this one to myself for lessons.

And I agree. My exe's clarity about not being well, not being good at all at relationships, and needing to work on herself is somewhat inspiring. If that's what she is doing. I don't know. It's not my problem. But if all of my brutal truth somehow is able to be digested by her so she really does enact changes for her own happiness then I will be begrudglinly happy for her that at least she's happy and healthy with someone although it sadly won't be me.

[Duped 1]

PW I just started seeing a new T that works with a lot of BPD issues. Both the pwBPD and their partners, families, etc.

When I told her I was painted black she said it was a blessing and will help my healing

[Nowigetit2]

Thank you.