I just wanted to love and be loved.

[FantasticMsDox]

I just wanted to be loved unconditionally. I just wanted the comfort of knowing that she was mine and I was hers.

I remember in the first year of our relationship we were in her bed talking. We talked a lot. She talked a lot.

She looked at me with this look... .nothing but pain and desperation kissed with flashes of gratefulness beamed out of her eyes. I'll never forget those eyes... .

"You're like my Jesus Christ" she said.

Wow. How do you even respond to that?

I was overcome with that 'red flag' feeling of "woah". As soon as my inner alarms subsided, I accepted that role. I thought that level of need meant that she loved me the most, so I stayed. I kept trying to make it work, as best as I could. So did she for what it's worth.

 At times she hated me for continuing to try, for loving her. She couldn't understand why I loved her, chose her, and why I let her back in, I told her:

"Because I decided on you"

Wow. How do you even respond to that?

I decided I wanted to save her and in turn, I wanted her to save me. I wanted her to save me from loneliness, from lack intimacy, from being by myself because I felt alone for so long. I just wanted to be loved.

I took the lies, the cheating, the cowardliness, the pushing and pulling, the anger, the dispair, the uncertainty, the pain, the sadness, the confusion, because I believe that nothing worth having comes easy.

 I believed that "real" love, had to get dragged though minefields, poked and prodded in order to build a solid foundation from its ruins.

I thought that if I gave her all I could, she would see that I was the real deal, that I was worth her love and her loyalty. If I kept sticking around, even though I was hurting, even as I would lay next to her as she slept and I cried she would stop hurting me, eventually. If I could just be patient she'll always give me that security feeling I crave and shower me with the love I so desire always. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 I didn't realize the parts of me that need to be fixed, that the desperation of my chasing this woman and indulging in the chaos were the manifestations of wounds and hurts that have absolutely nothing to do with my her.

It has everything to do with that little girl in me who just wanted to be loved. Who just wanted to know where she stood with those who were supposed to protect and care for her. I have to save her. I have to save me. I have to be my own Jesus.

I just wanted to be loved. I decided to love me.

[Mutt]

Hi FantasticMsDox,



That's very wise, a relationship break-up with a pwBPD is very painful but if we self reflect, a gift from a pwBPD is that we're shown what areas that we need to work on in r/s's and on ourselves.

[cupidsdead]

Thank you for your post! You've just described me 100%. I felt exactly the same with my exBPDw. Wow!