While "we were separated"...

[blueblue12]

I wanted to check the forum's thoughts on the following scenario:

I was relationship/marriage for ten years. The last year was a disaster. She had enough, I was controlling, insecure, etc... .and told me we were separated but continued to live together as we had a house to sell. So we spent an entire year. At times I had hope and at times I was walking on egg shells. But I kept trying. She was fairly cold and silent most of the time. It was a torturous year.

Towards the end she left to go to a conference and I sold the house. Then left and sent her a goodbye letter. She then freaked and tried to get in touch. I went NC, I had enough. I also found out she had started a new relationship. I also found out late in the year through my T about borderline. I had no idea. It made total sense to me. Her behaviour throughout those years together, the arguments out of nowhere, her childhood, etc.

Two months after NC she started reaching out crazily. She had missed me so much, I was the love of her life, she couldn't live without me, etc. We met it was as if we started again for a short period, then issues came up again. One of the things that bugged me was the relationship that she started while living with me but that according to her it developed when we were actually separated and that she had communicated that clearly at the time, according to her I was in denial. The trouble is during that period at times she was also confused and would be warmer towards me, as if she was torn and did not want to lose me completely.

Anyway my dilema is do people with BPD see these new relationships as a simple out, an escape and then realise their mistake? Is that how they see things? With her there is no empathy is like "oh yes I went out with this guy, didn't last long, he was terrible, but I told you we were separated" all matter of fact. Somehow the hurt that I encountered does not really matter. How do you see it? I am curious. Thanks for your time.

[roberto516]

They see the new relationship as their security. Their new attempt to find the perfect loving parent they always wanted. In my case she didn't replace me with a guy. She replaced me with nonstop yoga. And when her mom was mad at her and her tax return didnt cover her buying habits she reached out. As if that new relationship failed her so I was recycled. They have no remorse. Almost like locusts... .or a child. It's "who won't tell me no amd who will love me unconditionally 100% without any reciprocity. I'm simplifying it but I think it makes the point.

And our hurt doesn't matter. For 3 months I begged just to have a chance to talk and she was so cold and detached and was so mean ad calloused. The 1 month recycle? Not 1 apology. If I treated some one like that I'd feel so bad and apoligize nonstop. Hell I was apoligizing to her because I was mad and overreacted when she discarded me. I didn't even think about that until now. I didn't get one sincere word from her about how hurt i felt by her actions. Absolute lunacy on my part to ever want to speak to or see her again.