Icky sister relationship

[Seahorse16]

I do not really know where to start.

Today, my 51 yo sister walked out of our lunch (just my sis and I were there) because my partner and I could not yet commit to staying with her over Thanksgiving. She later ran into my partner and, assuming I told him what happened (I hadn't) she defended her actions. Even though he and I hadn't seriously discussed it, his response was kind of perfect: that we are spending it with his brother in another state!

The worst part of this is she has done this before. She physically kicked me in front of colleagues at a conference two years ago because she thought I "lied" to her. She ranted recently at the lawyer in charge of our dad's estate. It feels like one (frequently humiliating) drama after another. She calls me daily and even today gave me a gift saying what a great friend I am to her! And then---just like that on a dime---I am a lying enemy and she doesn't know if she wants a relationship with me. And then she won't talk to me for weeks or months. It has been like this most of our adult lives. It is a very lonely feeling and I sometimes feel quite shamed by her rejection.

I try not to personalize her behavior---intellectually I realize she is "sick"---but I am sad, embarrassed, and disappointed that I can't have a normal and close relationship with my sister. Both of our parents have passed. We are each other's only blood family remaining.  I sometimes blame myself for not saying the right  thing. Quite honestly sometimes she seems "normal" and I forget her Jeckyll and Hyde tendencies so I speak too freely. I "forget"  she does not negotiate differences the way most people do. I guess I still yearn for that supportive normal sister friendship, so I don't protect myself sufficiently. And then I get hurt. Again.

Blahhhh!

[hope2727]

I am so so sorry you are enduring this. I know how hard it is to endure those patterns of behaviour. I tend to forget too. I finally had to go extremely low contact with my siblings. It was painful but now pretty peaceful. There are many wonderful people here with lots of good advice. You are not alone. 

[Romania]

I know exactly what you mean about wishing for a 'normal' relationship and forgetting when you are being split white -that it can all change in a second.
Understanding that they have a mental illness is as well good, but no one prepares you with how it feels.

*offers hugs

[Seahorse16]

Thank you "Hope" and "Romania" for responding! It is a relief to speak honestly about this relationship and feel understood and accepted.

I am sensing I need to grieve a bit. I already am. I grieve the physical loss of my father. But I also grieve the potential loss of any semblance of blood family.

Ironically I think my sister grieves too. She wants the old drama-filled family back. That is the same family I consciously and physically left as a young adult because I felt like an outsider, because  I felt scapegoated, and because I refused to pay the price to "fit in." My contact with them after I left was quite ambivalent. I learned to approach and avoid them with caution depending on what the "tone" of the family was at given points. I know I was viewed as selfish and disloyal.

My sister, however, remained enmeshed with them. My parents adored her for it. She was loyal to them in spite of the cost. And there was a cost. My mother died and my sister stayed with my dad for several years which benefited them both. She eventually moved out, but when she had a health crisis it was me---not my dad---who helped her until she was back on her feet. My dad refused saying she was too dependent, that she needed to "learn a lesson."

But old loyalties die hard. With our parents gone, she sometimes tries to force her old version of family on me and my partner. She rages because we---especially I---do not always cooperate.

I want to be family with her, but only if it is reasonably healthy and only if it means I don't have to risk my sanity to do it. Of course that's not possible!

So I grieve. Sigh... .

I guess we both want something we can't have.

[Romania]

Stay firm and true to yourself.  It's all any of us can do!

I am very sorry for your losses.  When we lost one of our parents,  I thought... .maybe this one time... .we could be there for each other.  But that was about me and my expectations.  I wanted something that she was not capable of doing. 

It's a very good point you are making about grief and something I had not considered yet.  I think it is OK for us to feel sad about not being able to obtain the relationship we want, and go through that process of loss as well as for the parents that have passed on.

*offers hugs

[Seahorse16]

Thank you! I am functioning but still sitting with my (sad, angry) feelings! My support network is encouraging me to stay strong and keep my distance. The part of me that wants to "fix" things resists. But then I try to remember that my partner and I both need a rest from the manipulations and the drama. And she needs to take responsibility for and to experience the consequences of her toxic ways of coping. She won't if I engage, if I get back on that bizarre merry-go-round with her. She will have me to blame again and then we are back to that sick cycle... .

[angelene]

My sister and I are the same way. She is 22 and I am 18. I never know what to say to her and I constantly don't understand why we can't be like other siblings and be "normal." All I can hope is that we can be supportive and give her love when she feels so alone and acts way. Not many people understand, but that's what we are here for. I'm here for you! Sending hugs

[mEveIn106]

Hi Seahorse16,
I empathize w/you so much about wanting a "normal" relationship with a BPD sister. I have memories of us having a good time and really loving the conversations we've had but those moments are always short lived. For whatever reason, she gets upset with me and the agonizing silent treatment ensues. When she's ready to have me back in her life, she acts like nothing happened. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions!

I think the hard part that I am trying to come to terms with is that I will never have the "normal" or "good" relationship that I want with my sister. Until she can want the same thing with me, I'm not sure it's ever going to be attainable. And to be honest, I'm not sure she wants a loving, sisterly bond with me anyway. She has said some pretty mean things to me in the past that makes me question it.

But we are not alone. We are not at fault. Protect yourself and your happiness. It isn't easy, but that is what I am trying to do one step at a time.  I cherish the chosen family I have surrounded myself with bc to me, biology doesn't mean anything if it's not supportive or loving.

Best of luck to us.

[wantyousafe]

My mom had a saying "you can't have what you can't have".
Sounds a bit stupid, doesn't it?
But how many of us keep hoping that we will eventually get it?

We've got to accept that we will never have the sister we want... .that we deserve!

So, let's make sure of our self and the ones who love us first, take a step back and breathe... .and then maybe we will work out what we can do for our sister... .if we really want to!

[San Miguel]

I am so sorry for the pain, yes grief, you are feeling in your relationship with your sister.  Were you closer when you were young and still at home?  Up until about our mid-twenties, my sister and I were pretty close, we used to promise to tell the other the truth if one of us ever started acting like our mother, BPD, and tried to warn and protect each other.  But she also played the other side of our triad and would collude with mother to humiliate and hurt me.    She too stayed enmeshed until our mother died about 10 years ago.  As we have aged, and she lost her identity through our mother, she really has become dysfunctional in all aspects of her life.  In some ways, her behaviors are more painful than my mothers were, I had given up on having a "mom", but hung onto hopes of a sister.  Sometimes I feel so sorry for her, she has no insight whatsoever into her behavior, has alienated everyone in her life, and it's so clear that her ugliness toward others has cost her so much- but she only expresses blame and humiliates others because they "are inferior" to her.  Then when I try to forgive her and spend some time with her when she's so miserable, she turns on me like a banshee and the extent of her cruelty toward me knocks the breath out of me! 
The last time I visited her in Colorado, I tried to gently tell her I was worried that she never smiled anymore, didn't have anyone she was close to, and she seemed miserable.  She looked over at me in the car with such coldness and deadness in her eyes, pulled over and sat me in a snow bank beside the road without a coat, and drove off.  We are in our 60's now!  She came back about a half hour later, informed me she was taking me to the airport, to pack my sh&*  and did not speak to me again.  A few weeks later she emailed her "favorite sister" and acted like nothing at all had happened.  I just haven't been able to respond to her for several months now, and not sure I will.  In my heart I can forgive her and feel a great deal of empathy toward her, but when we are face to face I am filled with dread and hypervigilance waiting for the next assault, and a real sense that there is no real hope left.  For me, grief is the predominant feeling, I miss the good times we have had, I miss having a sister.  It seems like the last casualty of the war we grew up in.   And it stings.  Stay strong Seahorse, take extra special care of yourself in your grief.  Listen to your inner voice, it may not always tell you what to do, but it usually tells you what not to do if you can hear it.