Introduction

[cateye]

  I am a mom of four - last two adopted from foster care. My adopted daughter who is 21 has BPD and we have had several years of turmoil and chaos. She has not lived home for the past 3 years and now has a baby and is in (according to her) a relationship that is somewhat abusive. Every other week or weekly she wants to vent to me about her relationship issues and I listen to her. Sometimes not at that exact moment but set up a time to listen. She has asked several times in the last 3 years to move home again and I know this is the wrong move for all of us. She has rages, blames everyone, severe mood swings, breaks and throws things. She tantrums like a 2 year old when she does not like what is going on. I have been going to a co-dependency group and this has helped me set boundaries and realize that I can't fix her. She has not engaged in counseling for the last 2 1/2 years and recently the issues between us have been getting worse. She tries to cause issues between her brother and I and I feel is verbally abusive to both myself and her brother (my adopted son - her 1/2 brother). I know she is suffering and is not happy and I also know that whatever I do is never enough for her and I can not be her source of happiness. I am tired of the conflict and the verbal abuse and part of me wants to just end the relationship and the other part keeps hoping she will do the work to get better and I keep staying in the relationship. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Cateye

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad to meet you but sorry for what brings you here.

My BPDs26 returned home at 24 following crisis and diagnosis.  He's resisted taking responsibility for himself and I always was there to do things for him.  When he returned home I was determined that things were going to be different.  He wasn't going to change, I can't change him.  Nothing I ever did worked, so I finally did the one thing I'd never thought of before - that was to change myself and how I reacted to him.  I focussed on our core relationship and things are much better, we have a good relationship, despite the problems.  I hope this will help him in the future but for sure it's hard!

Any young woman with a young child struggles in those early years - BPD makes it so much harder for her. She's lucky that you've put yourself there to listen to her vent about her problems.  It sounds like you're coping with this very well and three years she's still persisting with you and you've stood your ground and not let her return home to you.  What kind of things does your daughter struggle with?  Do you think she needs more support to raise her child practically speaking?  What kind of support does she have (by her partner) or MIL?

I'm wondering if she resents her brother. He's free with no child responsibilities (?) and, maybe from her perspective, it doesn't seem fair. 

It's great that you've got support yourself in the co-dependency group.  Have you talked about this problem with them?

Have you read much about BPD?  I found the more I learned, the less I reacted.  The communication and validation skills have been my life saviour.  Do you find your daughter is calmer when you validate her feelings?

LP

[Gorges]

Hi,
I was wondering about the co-dependency group.  It might be a good resource for me and my family members.  Is it specifically for BPD or something else?  I wonder how I can find one in my area?