Social event-to invite or not to invite

[copingwithmom]

Our nephew is getting married. My BP mom has known him his entire life (she's not related to him because he's actually my husband's nephew) and he (the groom) thinks she would be offended if she wasn't invited. My son (who has more patience with her than I do) agrees. While she often says goofy things in social settings (which she thinks are funny) she doesn't cause a scene. The problem is I am tense when she is around. I am the wedding planner and will already be stressed. More importantly, she smothers my son and dominates his time. (She got mad on Thanksgiving because he was in other areas of the house and said she spent most of her day looking for him-not true-he visited with her just as anyone else.) Because she doesn't fit in when in any setting (she's the child no one wants to play with), she often sits with a hurt look on her face while she is bossing my step-dad around and he waits on her hand and foot. I don't want to have to be seated at a table with her and neither does my husband. While I have managed over the years to have limited contact and I do have a cordial relationship with her, it stresses me out to think of inviting her and being there with her. It also stresses me out to think of not inviting her and having her question my nephew (they see each other at family dinners a few times a year). I just want to cry wishing I had a mother who was enjoyable to be around. I don't know what the right thing to do is from one minute to the next. Part of me says no way, then part of me feels sorry for her and says I will just deal with it. My nephew will leave it up to me.

[Turkish]

When my mom first came into the family, she expected to take my ex away from the 30 some odd relatives she sees several times a year, acting add if there wasn't a party going on at all. I think it's a core need of being wanted, an unable to see the big picture, nor understand how others feel.

It would be easy to say, "nephew's wedding, nephew's decision," but I see how this is added stress considering your deep involvement with the planning.

Aside from that, let me ask a question: do you feel your mother's behaviour is a reflection on you as a daughter?

[copingwithmom]

I really don't see it that way. While she still says things which are embarrassing, I am able to better separate myself from what she does. I guess I feel like everyone "knows how she is" so we just shrug and move on.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry, copingwithmom. It's so hard wishing for a mother who is enjoyable to be around, who won't ruin things

It's a dilemma to solve what is essentially a double bind for you, and would be easier in some ways if your nephew was sufficiently peeved!

Is there anyone in your life who could be assigned to your mom at the wedding, who could run interference and keep her busy and occupied? Even sending her on errands with someone to keep her busy? Your son, maybe?

[copingwithmom]

Problem solved. Somewhat. They had to cut the guest list in half. Before I had time to explain this, she saw my nephew and put him in an awkward position by asking him about the wedding and telling to make sure they are invited. She pulled some other stunts yesterday, so it is time for another talk about boundaries. Sigh.