He left and is seeing someone else.

[devastatedwife]

My husband after 19 years has moved out and is seeing someone.  He blames me and says that I wasn't emotionally there for him for 5 years and then for the last 2 years he has wanted out.  Over the last 2  years he has raged at me and in those rages told me he didn't love me and he wanted out but then he would apologize.  I took the rages as just part of what I had seen out of him for years.  He would lie about everything and when I would catch him, he would yell and scream and then blame me.  He has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but several of my counselors over the years have thought he was.  He was diagnosed with Bi-Polar but decided he didn't have it.  

The thing that confuses me the most was he never exhibited jealousy towards other men but I do see now that he was jealous of my friendships so he would guilt me into not going out.  He never exhibited the desperate fear of abandonment because he always ended relationships firsts.  Friends, family, co workers even jobs and churches.  He always claimed they did something to him that was just unforgivable.  I always thought the "wrongs" weren't that bad but then he would rage on me for not supporting me.

Now he has the other woman.  He told me the affair was over but he moved to the same apartment complex and through social media, friends are saying she is saying she is in love.  He is angry that I told anyone he was cheating and told me to leave her out of it.  He told me that the night I found out.  As his wife of 19 years was getting confirmation that he had cheated, he was at her house more worried about her than me. He hasn't gone so far as to tell me he wants to reconcile but he has asked to wait for me to file for divorce and we have been in counseling to learn to coparent and see if there is anything left.

So what happened?  :)id he just stick around until he found someone else or because he felt I wasn't there for him he got caught up in the newness of a woman that thinks everything he does is wonderful.  I am watching their "courtship" and it is exactly how we were 19 years ago.  I have 2 children with him and I can't detach from him.  But somehow he can detach from me.  He says is anger towards me so bad he can't see a future for us.  One minute he talks in finality even telling my son for several years that he is going to divorce me but then asking  me not to file.  He doesn't even seem sad that our marriage of 19 years is ending.  I don't understand his need to lie to me about the affair either.  I told him I would rather know then find out another way.  He swore it was over and that he didn't know what he felt about anyone.

I lay awake at night imagining that they are together and holding each other and having this wonderful time while I sleep alone.  I cry all the time.  I don't know if this part of the BPD or if I really did screw things ups so badly by choosing my son's needs over his.  

Help!  I feel like I am going crazy.  

[Mutt]

Hi devastatedwife,

He's denying it because he feels shameful about the affair, I asked my ex if there was another man, she denied, later she recounted that because she said that she's leaving and we're still cohabitation at this point that she didn't have an affair, a pwBPD will dissociate and alter reality to match their out of place feelings. You can deny it all you want, actions speak for themselves.

I lay awake at night imagining that they are together and holding each other and having this wonderful time while I sleep alone.  I cry all the time.  I don't know if this part of the BPD or if I really did screw things ups so badly by choosing my son's needs over his.

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time  He has a serious mental disorder and dissociates that he doesn't have it, he doesn't want to go into counseling himself, granted he does counseling to possibly reconcile, you're not responsible for him going outside of the marriage and seeking another r/s, he made that choice, he screwed up, not you. It's not your fault