Question - Not worrying about validation after breakup.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I want to heal myself and get rid of the nasty attachment I have in my head. I am a guy and my ex gf with BPD is most certainly seeing someone if not many. Although I reckon its long distance/online stuff/text messaging stuff. Regardless... Knowing her... I am about 80% sure she will contact me in months to come... Likely trying to be 'friends'. We live in the same house - Difficult situation to change. I dont interact with her atm.

We broke up about a month ago. It was happy the previous week. Then on the day she was loud and confrontational. Didnt give reasons. Refused to communicate. I figured out she was text flirting with someone soon after. The weeks after we had some communication but she had painted me black. The way she described the breakup to me (And some others I have found out from) is that she was calm and civil when she broke up with me. That I was harassing her... etc etc... .So essentially a complete fabrication of the event.

We have in the past discussed BPD and she felt she might have it at the times of those discussions. However since the breakup she is in total denial. She believes that I and my family all think she is nuts. Which in reality is very unfair as I usually do my best to validate a point of view that she is not nuts without directly disagreeing with her. Its frankly just something she fears about herself as no one ever says this to her. Now I dont say anything about BPD either but she knows I am likely thinking about it as she is not dum and we obviously had discussions at some points.

So... There was a time where I certainly would not want to invalidate her by ever saying that she was doing certain things. I would never say that she was dissociating me or something along those lines in an inappropriate manner.

However... Without having intent to upset her... but rather... For myself not give a fudge. Does it really matter that if in weeks or months time, when she probably will contact me... For example asking, "How are you?" and if I was to reply... "Hi, I am sorry but I think you dissociated me - I dont want to talk anymore."

This would lead to her probably being triggered... .to blocking me... .again. Or rather going back to non-contact.

I dont mean to sound like I am doing that to be purposely malicious. At the end of the day I know who I am and rationally thinking I think she dissociated me. Its not really my problem anymore. Its infact beneficial that she blocks me from my point of view.

Would that be considered bad... But I dont feel like I say it to be bad. I dont control her actions. Maybe it would not lead to her blocking me. I am just essentially presuming it based on experiences. Even saying something like "Hi - Do you remember we talked about BPD? Did you go to the doctor to discuss it yet?" Obviously that is invalidating in the sense but thats not my problem anymore... Its her choice to contact me. Her choice to not contact me. My choice to state how I feel or my opinions. I am not trying to make a relationship.

Idk. Just feedback maybe. I dont seem to see people ever mentioning the fact. I see people always saying that they accidently trigger an BPD person... But those are people who are trying to make a relationship work. I dont want it to work... I certainly dont want to be nasty... But is it 'nasty' just to state what I think in regards to saying 'sorry but I think you dissociated me'... .and let her decide to block me again.

The reason I am asking is because she is quite threatening in the past on this topic. I might be conditioned or 'taught' never to mention it because its one of her triggers. I dont think thats my problem anymore... "I feel bad for you... .But I was dissociated. The events you described did not occur the way you described. I dont want to be with you."

Surely that would invalidate her and god knows abandonment issues to the point she would not contact me for months more again. If any luck forever.

Honestly part of this is to do with the fact that I am sick and tired of being validating. Its not my problem anymore surely? Can I just stop and not feel guilt? Its my valid opinion on the matter. She choose to leave me. She choose to instantly have someone lined up. She choose to ignore me. ... I choose to say "Yep... Ya went and did that dissociation thing again... !" Sorry it aint my problem anymore.

I think I deserve someone who can treat me better than her. Im doubting what she ever felt about me. I am certain that it was not healthy to have such 'highs' and much as the lows. It was not normal. I have never had a relationship like that. It felt like true love at the time but now I think it was just addictive and bad for me. I rather feel something that was more like my past relationships, a tad more boring... but healthy. Idk if thats possible due to my new addiction. I would imagine its similar to an alcoholic drinking water. It must taste boring initially. However water is far more healthy and I think thats a better option than a BPD person who is in denial.

[Maxxer]

So I want to heal myself and get rid of the nasty attachment I have in my head. I am a guy and my ex gf with BPD is most certainly seeing someone if not many. Although I reckon its long distance/online stuff/text messaging stuff. Regardless... Knowing her... I am about 80% sure she will contact me in months to come... Likely trying to be 'friends'. We live in the same house - Difficult situation to change. I dont interact with her atm.

We broke up about a month ago. It was happy the previous week. Then on the day she was loud and confrontational. Didnt give reasons. Refused to communicate. I figured out she was text flirting with someone soon after. The weeks after we had some communication but she had painted me black. The way she described the breakup to me (And some others I have found out from) is that she was calm and civil when she broke up with me. That I was harassing her... etc etc... .So essentially a complete fabrication of the event.

We have in the past discussed BPD and she felt she might have it at the times of those discussions. However since the breakup she is in total denial. She believes that I and my family all think she is nuts. Which in reality is very unfair as I usually do my best to validate a point of view that she is not nuts without directly disagreeing with her. Its frankly just something she fears about herself as no one ever says this to her. Now I dont say anything about BPD either but she knows I am likely thinking about it as she is not dum and we obviously had discussions at some points.

So... There was a time where I certainly would not want to invalidate her by ever saying that she was doing certain things. I would never say that she was dissociating me or something along those lines in an inappropriate manner.

However... Without having intent to upset her... but rather... For myself not give a fudge. Does it really matter that if in weeks or months time, when she probably will contact me... For example asking, "How are you?" and if I was to reply... "Hi, I am sorry but I think you dissociated me - I dont want to talk anymore."

This would lead to her probably being triggered... .to blocking me... .again. Or rather going back to non-contact.

I dont mean to sound like I am doing that to be purposely malicious. At the end of the day I know who I am and rationally thinking I think she dissociated me. Its not really my problem anymore. Its infact beneficial that she blocks me from my point of view.

Would that be considered bad... But I dont feel like I say it to be bad. I dont control her actions. Maybe it would not lead to her blocking me. I am just essentially presuming it based on experiences. Even saying something like "Hi - Do you remember we talked about BPD? Did you go to the doctor to discuss it yet?" Obviously that is invalidating in the sense but thats not my problem anymore... Its her choice to contact me. Her choice to not contact me. My choice to state how I feel or my opinions. I am not trying to make a relationship.

Idk. Just feedback maybe. I dont seem to see people ever mentioning the fact. I see people always saying that they accidently trigger an BPD person... But those are people who are trying to make a relationship work. I dont want it to work... I certainly dont want to be nasty... But is it 'nasty' just to state what I think in regards to saying 'sorry but I think you dissociated me'... .and let her decide to block me again.

The reason I am asking is because she is quite threatening in the past on this topic. I might be conditioned or 'taught' never to mention it because its one of her triggers. I dont think thats my problem anymore... "I feel bad for you... .But I was dissociated. The events you described did not occur the way you described. I dont want to be with you."

Surely that would invalidate her and god knows abandonment issues to the point she would not contact me for months more again. If any luck forever.

Honestly part of this is to do with the fact that I am sick and tired of being validating. Its not my problem anymore surely? Can I just stop and not feel guilt? Its my valid opinion on the matter. She choose to leave me. She choose to instantly have someone lined up. She choose to ignore me. ... I choose to say "Yep... Ya went and did that dissociation thing again... !" Sorry it aint my problem anymore.

I think I deserve someone who can treat me better than her. Im doubting what she ever felt about me. I am certain that it was not healthy to have such 'highs' and much as the lows. It was not normal. I have never had a relationship like that. It felt like true love at the time but now I think it was just addictive and bad for me. I rather feel something that was more like my past relationships, a tad more boring... but healthy. Idk if thats possible due to my new addiction. I would imagine its similar to an alcoholic drinking water. It must taste boring initially. However water is far more healthy and I think thats a better option than a BPD person who is in denial.

[Mutt]

Hi Maxxer,



Boy that's gotta be tough to split and you're living in the same house. I like your analogy with water, Dr Joe Carver says to share less, act boring, talk less and give less opinions, act detached the goal is to be boring so that she loses her attention on you.

I agree with you that if you're not in a r/s with her you don't have to validate her, I just wonder if you're angry at her though which would perfectly normal? I've been split from my for 4 years now and from time to time she'll send an immature email that she's frustrated with me, taking my power back for me was changing how I reacted to her, in the past I'd JADE, it's too emotional, I took control of what I can control which are my thoughts and feelings, she can't self sooth or regulate, she gets frustrated because my goal 4 years ago was to only respond to things about the kids in our email exchanges and absolutely nothing personal about me or about her.

Usually she's pretty good but she'll lash out from to time, also emails have dropped off because when she came out with her boyfriend after we split there was a lot of back and forth between her and alot of attention, fast forward to today, the boyfriend she idealized is slowly being split black, I hear less from her. You're not obliged to validate her, many members are in no contact or minimal contact, i'm in the latter camp because of kids, but self protect is a good idea with people that don't respect you. You're absolutely right you deserve to be treated better, you deserve better.