Sister-in-law Help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi - First time here!

My brother and sister-in-law have been married about almost 14 years, so I've known my sister-in-law since I was a teenager. For the past couple years we've lived in the same city and my younger sister and I have a standing weekly visit to see them and their two young kids. It seems no matter how much time and effort and work we put into showing her we're there for her and that we love her, she doesn't believe us and will lash out. We've spent so many years walking on eggshells afraid of what might upset her. We've been told we never loved her; she's never been part of the family; we can talk to our brother, HE wants to have a relationship with us. What feels really hard is there's no "emotional bank" with her - when she gets upset and it's directed to us, she isn't able to remember all the times we've shown our love and how much work we've put into the relationship.

I guess we're looking for what other people have done with family members with BPD that you don't live with but see often? What's been helpful? What's made things worse?

There was a conflict a few weeks back and we haven't spoken about it since - today she reached out through email seeking to make plans and apologize, saying "It's no secret I'm a big feeler and that it gets me in trouble sometimes. I've thought about this a lot and realize I should have kept my mouth shut. I will do that in the future." I'm not sure how to respond and acknowledge what she's said, but I'm also afraid of engaging for my own mental health. I don't want her to feel communication is shut off but also nervous about reinforcing the hurtful communication.
 

[LucyElinor]

Hi - First time here!

My brother and sister-in-law have been married about almost 14 years, so I've known my sister-in-law since I was a teenager. For the past couple years we've lived in the same city and my younger sister and I have a standing weekly visit to see them and their two young kids. It seems no matter how much time and effort and work we put into showing her we're there for her and that we love her, she doesn't believe us and will lash out. We've spent so many years walking on eggshells afraid of what might upset her. We've been told we never loved her; she's never been part of the family; we can talk to our brother, HE wants to have a relationship with us. What feels really hard is there's no "emotional bank" with her - when she gets upset and it's directed to us, she isn't able to remember all the times we've shown our love and how much work we've put into the relationship.

I guess we're looking for what other people have done with family members with BPD that you don't live with but see often? What's been helpful? What's made things worse?

There was a conflict a few weeks back and we haven't spoken about it since - today she reached out through email seeking to make plans and apologize, saying "It's no secret I'm a big feeler and that it gets me in trouble sometimes. I've thought about this a lot and realize I should have kept my mouth shut. I will do that in the future." I'm not sure how to respond and acknowledge what she's said, but I'm also afraid of engaging for my own mental health. I don't want her to feel communication is shut off but also nervous about reinforcing the hurtful communication.
 

[Turkish]

Hi LucyElinor,

I'd be reticent about responding to that,  too.

As much as she's driving you crazy,  perhaps, it sounds like she's extending her version of an olive branch.  Can you respond by validating the emotion? This may help to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

The first (SET) might be easier to understand quickly.