I'll insult you the worst way, but it's all in your imagination

[Mavrik]

My ex BPDgf was a therapist herself, and used to tell me all about 'blue prints', it's what we have in our mind and when something doesn't work out right we go to our blue print to see if it matches up with past experiences. It's hard to exolein on heee so feel free to look it up.

So I was bullied at school and as I'm British Asian I suffered a lot of racism too.

My ex is white British, and on so many occasions she'd make racist comments and jokes, and when I told her how hurtful and disrespectful it was, she would say she was joking and that I was over sensitive and going back to my blueprint to justify my anger at her for making these comments.

I just throughf she was using it to push me away, I challenged every time but it didn't seem to work.

Any ideas what was going on as I struggle to get over this element of the relationship.

[RomanticFool]

Mavrik,

My exBPDgf married lover made a comment about Lewis Hamilton being busy 'trying to be black' the last time I was with her. I asked her what she meant and she stuttered and backtracked when she remembered my politics.On another occasion she told me that her husband and son had voted for UKIP in the last elections.

Here's my theory. I think her husband is racist. Because BPDs often don't know what they think, she was repeating something he said. I noticed that on Facebook she then started posting alot of save the NHS stuff that I posted and she began to sound quite left wing. She was copying me. They are often copycats and influenced by the prime caregiver. So my guess is your ex was repeating something somebody else said.

[roberto516]

There is a great article somewhere here about memories. Maybe one of the moderators can provide the link? Anyway it talks about how current events and our reactions are really just our brains going into the computer to find the file that matches up with it. So yes, there is validity to it. It wasn't necessarily "her". It was all the past instances which formed your reaction. But if she knew that about you then she should have known better. Even if she made the joke. Any kind of empathy would have brought a response like "I'm so sorry. I know that hurt you, etc etc." Instead you got a response about why you shouldn't feel hurt. Which is emotional abuse. The humor in it all is your ex didn't realize that she was pulling her own computer files.

And it's odd. My ex is a therapist. Guess they try to fix themselves by fixing others. It's just one big projection. Sickening that they are able to be in those positions and try to help others.

I guess what it boils down to is that both partners have to be willing to look at the blueprints or computer files and realize how it is self-sabotaging their current relationship. I learned that after my first BPD and intense therapy. That's why I was prepared this time. I wasn't controlling. I was supportive. I even tried to communicate my feelings instead of stuffing them. But she wasn't there. She blamed all her exes for what they did to her. That was the first red flag that I should have ran away from.

Love takes work and committment and selflessness. Seems like you were like me, something she could control. I don't know if you had enough or she finally left. But a part of me believes that you're relationship ended because you finally stood up for yourself in some way; just like me. 

[Mutt]

Hi Roberto516,

I think that you mean dealing with ruminations

1. Practice paying attention to how your file system works. If you find yourself in a bad mood, or even happy mood, use the approach, "What file is out?" You will then find the file, what feeling is contained in the file, and will then be able to have some control over the file.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Hi Mavrik,

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I dealt with similar this week, my dad was visiting from out of town he used to cause me a lot of pain and I would feel upset about how invalidating he, but I listen closely now to him, kind of like your ex, he puts other people and things down constantly.

I think that some people subconsciously feel inferior or have low self worth and they put others down to feel better about themselves. Also my dad hates change, he hates to learn new things specifically computers and is always purging g technology down that's because he feels like he can't learn it.

I 'd forget about what she said about blueprints because that's not really what the core issue is about, I think that she's also projecting her anger when she says you're going to your blueprint because you're angry.

Did she have a habit of putting others down too?

[roberto516]

I finally found it! Where what a search! 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

It's called emotional memory management. It's a long one, but I felt so enlightened by reading it. It might be worth looking into. This is kind of what she was talking about with the "blueprint" I believe.

[Mavrik]

Thanks for digging out the article I'll certainly read it later today.

She would make her comments out of the blue when we were out having a great time. I would tell her how offensive i found her racist comment, she'd apologise then say it again a few days later, then again and again. I didn't think she even listened to what I'd told her or it didn't have an affect.

After I'd challenged her yet again, she told me I was being sensitive and because I'd suffered such abuse and comments when younger, I was extra sensitive to it, and was looking for someone to say it which justifies my blue print and it world then impact on my attachments.

So her making racist comments about me was my fault.

I'd shown her and everyone I ever met the utmost respect ever and still do, she knew how much I hated such abuse/comments, yet she'd make them anyway?

She ended the relationship in the end, aftef id posted 3 photos on Facebook of me and a female friend, that's all it was a friend, and she hit the roof. And ended it.

Due to my job in the entertainment industry and the attention I got and how upbeat and happy I was, I think she was jelous as to my happiness and she was so sad so bought me down with the one thing she knew hurt me the most.

And she always said 'I love you and respect you,  your the best thing that happened to me'. In typical BPD style.

It hurt so much when she would put me down, yet she didn't seem to care.

[roberto516]

It hurts for sure Mavrik. It really does. To hear them say in the beginning how great you are. Even during the first recycle she texted me saying she loves me, and I'm such an amazing person. bla bla bla. None of it means anything. You know what means something?

When you ask to take turns taking the dog out, and you find yourself consistently taking the dog out even after communicating that you don't feel heard. When you get bullied for not coming over when told to. That means something.

It's far too easy to say nice things. There's no difficulty in that. I love you. Look. That took no effort. For me to show real love? Now that's work. To show real love when I might be upset with you? Now that's real love. They aren't capable. They never will be.

She doesn't sound like a person who deserves you. We are all flawed. Sure. But we deserve people who will recognize that, and understand that it is part of us. And still be loved.

[publicdefender]

My ex would say condescending things all the time, little snippets she'd insert into conversation.  When I would tell her I didn't like it she would say we obviously communicate differently and she was upset I would interpret her comments that way, leading to her being "upset."  Go figure.

I don't know if it's a test or them pushing to get distance but I think they all do it and try to hide it as a mistake or miscommunication.  Their rules though.