Why is detachment so hard?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys

8 weeks no contact with my friend; I was quite strong in the beginning and resolved to never want to speak to him again.  But as time goes on I keep hoping he will reach back out just so I know that I am at least thought of and that I crossed his mind/meant something to him.  I 'wrote' an email to him but saved it in my drafts to keep going back to and amending or just to read; I won't send it.  I read some stuff on Quora this week from PWBPD's and Non's to get a better perspective of how a PWBPD thinks/feels etc. and that made it hard to not reach out to him after reading stuff on there, especially from PWBPD's about how losing an attachment pretty much kills them inside.  I think we all paint PWBPD's as unfeeling, unloving, selfish monsters but that's not how some of them came across on Quora; some really knew what they were doing when pushing their SO's away but that fear of being abandoned was so strong that they had to do it in order to survive as they know being abandoned first feels like hell on earth.  Some PWBPD's still longed for that attachment months and years after it had ended but didn't want to reach out first for fear of being rejected again and falling further into the abyss.  Its really quite sad to read and reading this stuff is so hard to keep the detachment going.

BPD really does suck... .for everyone.

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

8 weeks no contact with my friend; I was quite strong in the beginning and resolved to never want to speak to him again.  But as time goes on I keep hoping he will reach back out just so I know that I am at least thought of and that I crossed his mind/meant something to him.  I 'wrote' an email to him but saved it in my drafts to keep going back to and amending or just to read; I won't send it.  I read some stuff on Quora this week from PWBPD's and Non's to get a better perspective of how a PWBPD thinks/feels etc. and that made it hard to not reach out to him after reading stuff on there, especially from PWBPD's about how losing an attachment pretty much kills them inside.  I think we all paint PWBPD's as unfeeling, unloving, selfish monsters but that's not how some of them came across on Quora; some really knew what they were doing when pushing their SO's away but that fear of being abandoned was so strong that they had to do it in order to survive as they know being abandoned first feels like hell on earth.  Some PWBPD's still longed for that attachment months and years after it had ended but didn't want to reach out first for fear of being rejected again and falling further into the abyss.  Its really quite sad to read and reading this stuff is so hard to keep the detachment going.

BPD really does suck... .for everyone.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey insideoutside, You're right, detachment is painful.  Are you thinking about contacting him?  Plenty of us, including me, have recycled, only to find ourselves with more pain further down the line.  It is sad to learn what it's like to suffer from BPD, but the bottom line is that, in my view, you are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  Plus, you can't cure BPD.  Detachment involves a type of exchange: short-term pain in exchange for greater happiness long-term.  Sometimes we have to let go of the outcome.

LuckyJim

[insideoutside]

Hi LJ

I have been recycled a good few times already (didn't know it was that at first) so not unfamiliar to it.  I won't be reaching out but I would like him to.  We got on good as friends but unfortunately his push/pull wound drive me insane and I lashed out in anger last time and said some mean stuff, which I regret.  But to be fair I'd been a saint for 18 months previously putting up with it. I know I'm not responsible for his wellbeing and making him feel good but god damn that empath in me who wishes she could make everything ok for him.

Onwards and upwards I guess x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey io, No, you can't make everything OK for him.  Empathy is one thing; caretaking another.  The former is an admirable quality (so give yourself credit), the latter an unhealthy sign of codependency and enabling.  I used to be codependent, which is probably why I ended up married to a pwBPD.  Can't say I'm cured of codependency, but I've been able to reduce my leanings in that direction, which makes life a lot easier and lighter.

Yes, it's onwards and upwards from here.  I predict that one day you will feel grateful to have parted ways with your Ex.

LJ

[GreenEyedMonster]

The hardest thing to let go of for me was the incredible feeling of validation.  This was, at first, a person who *got* me in a way that few others have.  We had the same childhood pet, played the same instrument in band class, worked in the exact same field with identical job titles and credentials, both had the same level of education, the same hobbies and passions.  We had similar levels of sexual experience.  We had similar relationship histories.  At first, I would have told you that I found my missing twin.  He was a person who made me feel good about everything I was.  It was like finding my place in the world.

You can imagine how shocking it was when this person soon began to act like I was boring and irrelevant.  My T says that my ex leans toward narcissism, and he may not even have BPD.  He had some traits of both.  The emotional impact of his disinterest in me was huge, given that we shared almost every interest possible.  My interest in him was very engaging to him, but he didn't return it.  This led to massive problems in our relationship; he feared me abandoning him if I would bring up his unilateral interests, and would lead to him threatening to leave or manipulating me into submission.  I had to remain his adoring fan no matter what, even when I got next to nothing back.

I still like to imagine sometimes that he misses me or that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  On one freak occasion after the breakup he saw me and we chatted a bit and he was VERY flirtatious.  But aside from that one occasion, it has been outright hostility laced with threats of legal action.  Sometimes after the breakup I would feel like I was smashing my head against one of those spiral candy vending machines, where my candy bar of validation got stuck and just wouldn't fall down into the tray.  When someone is a source for something like that, I think our brains remember that for a long time, and every time we feel that need come up again, we remember that person and wish they would provide for us again.

[doy]

yes, but i do agree with inside out.

i think  we also have to be careful of black and white thinking. 
there is levels of BPD traits and of course there is also character, so still every situation is different.
some people recycle, some don't ... some regret for life and chase, some don't. some threat with suicide and some just make up their own ( delusional) conclusion and move on.
however there are undeniable patterns that brought us here.
i think you are the one that knows the pwBPD best and is best able to predict what he/she feels or will do, and make your own decisions based on that.

i have known mine for a year , and think i can almost predict his unpredictability.
i have been in NC now for 4,5 weeks.
he got caught up in fear of abandonment on tho sides. his 16 year old relationship or me. their relationship was long gone already.( my opinion/standards)  he fell in love with me after a long period of trouble/cheating between them. ( tbh in my opinion due to his BPD and her lack of self-respect) he chose safety in the end. she would take him back anyway. i cannot blame him really.

his wife tried to accept me being there and even dropped him off at my house throughout these 6 months. she was his prime caretaker , financially and emotionally.
the whole situation seemed very unhealthy to me, he was treating her like his mother and i just  felt horrible about it. it seemed however , he HAD to do this. like he had to revenge her in some way... i didn't really understand what had happened between them that made him so vindictive and disrespectful towards her. but i thought lets leave that to them.
his wife  would accept me being there under one condition: he would share every experience he had with me, with her.
to me that was really... .sadistic almost.
she would panic after he shared his feelings for me and could hardly let him out of the door.
he would get crazy angry with her and storm off to me.
and then i would listen to all this and be like : WHAAT? WHY? it was really like a mother/son relationship.

in the aftermath i understand so much more. i got to know him so well. i got to know BPD very well too... .i do not know if it is servere enough for me to not be able to be in a relationship with him. but i do know i have to stay away for now and let him/them deal with their stuff and trust my instincts.

knowing him , he is flipping back and forth again in emotions right now . he misses me terribly , and feels frustrated, at times he lashes out at her for not letting him go.
he feels bored in his endless cycle of a life he didn't want. he is trying to sabotage his feelings for me and sometimes he succeeds. then he shows her love , robotiocally and tells himself this is true. but then again he doesn't really know what is the real him. he tells himself he was fooling himself with his feelings for me. at other times it feels like the biggest love he will ever have lost.
he is terrified of contacting  me, ashamed.
he feels like all beautiful things always pass him by ( even when he is the one sabotaging) and feels hopeless.

i miss him too. a lot , i dream about him almost every night  , and not an hour goes by that i do not think of him. but right now, i trust the fact i cannot be trusted in acting on these feelings and ifirst have to face some painful truths about myself and why i am attracted to him.

trust your senses... .do not let yourself go .
stay strong, x

 

[insideoutside]

At first, I would have told you that I found my missing twin.  He was a person who made me feel good about everything I was.  It was like finding my place in the world.

Oh man, I get that so bad.  I thought I had found my soul mate, my twin flame. Not in a romantic way but a friend way who I could share all my hopes and fears with.  Somebody that would always be by my side and vice versa.  I couldn't understand how I didn't see this beautiful person in the young lad I had known 26 years earlier.  My friend didn't rage ever; at times he would tell me he wanted no more contact when he was dysregulating and would be quite forceful about it sounding very sure with his decision but was never angry or abusive.  I would adhere to his request and after a few weeks or months he would always come back.  Not so sure he will this time though as I said some mean things in pure frustration which I'm not sure he will be able to get past.  I miss him, I'm not going to lie but I'm not going to reach out.  We have danced to this tune too many times and eventually it ends up the same way... both of us telling each other not to contact one another again and feeling rubbish.

[insideoutside]

i think  we also have to be careful of black and white thinking.  

there is levels of BPD traits and of course there is also character, so still every situation is different.
some people recycle, some don't ... some regret for life and chase, some don't. some threat with suicide and some just make up their own ( delusional) conclusion and move on.  however there are undeniable patterns that brought us here.  

i think you are the one that knows the pwBPD best and is best able to predict what he/she feels or will do, and make your own decisions based on that.

Thank you Doy

Wow, your situation sounds very complex.  I admire your strength in coping with that situation.  It must be very hard to know that he still lives with his wife and ultimately she still takes care of all his needs most of the time.

Yes I don't think we can say all PWBPD's are monsters or selfish or out to intentionally cause us non's harm.  I did some more reading on Quora yesterday and you can so clearly see the internal battle that some of the PWBPD have inside them, knowing they are hurting those that care for them but ultimately not being able to stop the cycle due to the abandonment fear.

I can almost predict my friend's cycle too.  We get along fine for 2-3 months, then he starts asking me to meet up with him; I will make plans and put them in place (as I live 2 hour drive away and make plans to see and stay with family whilst visiting friend) and I can guarantee within a few days of the date arriving he will let me down (after promising me he won't), making up some excuse or other.  I get narky with him, he gets all defensive and the 'I don't think we should have any more contact - please delete my number and I'll delete yours' text arrives followed by a few angry text exchanges between us followed by weeks/months of no contact.  He has broken the contact more times than I have.  I have been lucky in that the last time this happened he did actually apologise and say he did not want to hurt me anymore and it was important to him that he didn't do that again... .but here we are 5 months on back at square 1.

I won't reach out again; we have danced to this tune too many times.  If he does reach back out to me he will have to make a decision that he is either in my life or not because if he is going to walk back out of it again in a few months then we may as well not bother rekindling our friendship.

[doy]

thank you inside out,
yes if they would be able to turn their backs so easily there wouldn't be any recycling would there?
so i do not believe they ever can do that . it is just their own instability that makes them so extreme in their decisions. not the absence of love of nostalgia, just the extremity in their emotions.
it sounds bit weird maybe but i take  comfort in the fact that i am at least not in her shoes ( his wife ).
i have my own life, my own friends , my own bed , cookies and music whenever i want. i have all the freedom to get through this pain. to explore the world with all its beauty and other men , if i am ready.
i do not have to put up with his behavior and moods right now and although i miss the good parts like crazy i am a bit relieved with that. at least i can physically detach, she can't.
she has to be close to a man that is still in love with someone else right now and meanwhile pay his bills and walk on eggshells not to piss him off, puff how is that for a life? so at least i have got that one going for me.

him and me were also amazingly attracted to each other, even without words.
we felt like soul mates when we met ... .everything fit. the way he smelled, talked , laughed, our past, our insecurities , our dreams. everything fell together, untill then i had never experienced such a strong feeling of HAVING to be with that person. he had the same. we were siamese twins for almost a year , of which 6 moths in an intense relationship. we could talk for 48 hours straight,
he was the first that i could look n the eye and almost got sick of the intensity of the love felt for him. ( it wasn't just physical , he even had fake teeth
still i can hardly imagine him not returning.
but i am writing on this website not without a reason, no one here is.

he probable thinks i have moved on. and might even be sad about me not contacting him. it drives him crazy right now but he is too proud and insecure to be the first.
( while he is the one that left me,  it is always the same )
 i really feel if i would right now he would be here tonight , but where does that leave me?
right, in the same place. i make an appeal on his weakness and end up feeling like an ass myself. so i have no choice.

i agree with you that it is up to us to set the conditions and boundaries in which we could ever be with that person again. if ever.
and i am positive that is the only way to go.
i have slept with my emergency exit ( that is what i call him , a gorgeous guy friend , i am not in love with but he is ... an emergency exit) in an attempt to move on. didn't work, but it was a good attempt. and good bandaid for my superficially wounded ego.

you can set the clock on that he thinks of you , and will respect you in the same way you respect yourself. mine lost his respect for himself and his wife long time ago .
i refuse to go to that place. i will not let him, i love him too much for that.

i told him that i will only make an appeal on his strength and not on his weakness. to my opinion if he cannot come forward with an independent life, mind and choice , he cannot be next to me. i would doubt him too much.