Revelations, realizations and insights... PART 2/ My Search for Meaning

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am not sure I will ever be completely comfortable with someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve *all the time* like Roomie, but I don't have to let it affect me and I certainly don't have the right to make my 'trigger' someone else's problem.  She gets to be her even if I find it annoying and even though it 'triggers' me quite a bit.  Avoidance (or NC in the case of my family) would not allow me to see the problem and deal with it.  It is hard though and I really had to sit on my hands and keep my mouth tightly shut while my stomach turned and I started shaking.  Trigger management... .not fun but so worth it.

Got nothing to add here, great self-insights and reflection

The above example is what I meant when I said earlier that I am disappointed with the pettiness I see in me and just how much work I have to do still.  It is the more subtle things like this that I find most frustrating.

I can understand and relate to feeling frustrated. I am curious though about the disappointment you feel and what you describe as pettiness. You were enjoying your cup of coffee and then were confronted with ol' grumpy sigh  To be honest, I can see how that can be a bit annoying, especially when it goes like that every single day.

Do you feel like you should be further along in your healing process? Is that where your disappointment stems from?

Or is it perhaps more the realization that you in some areas might still have more healing to do than you anticipated? Perhaps also the realization that this likely will indeed be a lifelong process?

[Kwamina]

I am not sure I will ever be completely comfortable with someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve *all the time* like Roomie, but I don't have to let it affect me and I certainly don't have the right to make my 'trigger' someone else's problem.  She gets to be her even if I find it annoying and even though it 'triggers' me quite a bit.  Avoidance (or NC in the case of my family) would not allow me to see the problem and deal with it.  It is hard though and I really had to sit on my hands and keep my mouth tightly shut while my stomach turned and I started shaking.  Trigger management... .not fun but so worth it.

Got nothing to add here, great self-insights and reflection

The above example is what I meant when I said earlier that I am disappointed with the pettiness I see in me and just how much work I have to do still.  It is the more subtle things like this that I find most frustrating.

I can understand and relate to feeling frustrated. I am curious though about the disappointment you feel and what you describe as pettiness. You were enjoying your cup of coffee and then were confronted with ol' grumpy sigh  To be honest, I can see how that can be a bit annoying, especially when it goes like that every single day.

Do you feel like you should be further along in your healing process? Is that where your disappointment stems from?

Or is it perhaps more the realization that you in some areas might still have more healing to do than you anticipated? Perhaps also the realization that this likely will indeed be a lifelong process?

[Harri]

I am curious though about the disappointment you feel and what you describe as pettiness... .Do you feel like you should be further along in your healing process? Is that where your disappointment stems from?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.  I am fairly certain that my disappointment with myself is related to my inner critic who is telling me I should accept people for who they are and when I don't that means there is something wrong with me.  Again, it all ties into the 'specialness' (tired of hearing me talk about that word yet?  I am) and the shame I have for not being who God made me to be.  Taking time to think about this has allowed me to hear my mother's voice telling me I am a sinner and how ashamed she is of me.  I am frustrated with my inability to reach an unreachable goal set by my mother and her need to be saved through me.  Yikes.

I go back and forth with accepting that this healing business is a life long process and resenting that it is.  Today I am accepting.  The day I posted this?  Not so much.

BTW, I usually wake up in a good mood and when I don't I choose to put myself in a good mood usually by doing a shuffling, sliding sort of dance on my way to coffee.  I was letting Ole Grumpy Sigh aka Roomie, affect that.  I decided to fight back and now on days when she is especially grumpy I sing the "Morning Song"  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xFFbWH3niaI

I have only done it twice since posting this but have been successful in getting her to smile... .while looking like she wants to kill me.  I consider that success.

[Turkish]

Taking time to think about this has allowed me to hear my mother's voice telling me I am a sinner and how ashamed she is of me.

Did she actually say that to you?

[Harri]

Yes she did.  Later on when I was in my tween to teen years she would have her church friends come by the house and they would corner me and pray over me for healing and for the demons to release me. 

During the darkest times, usually when she was giving me the silent treatment, she would get her holy water bottle and start throwing holy water as I walked by.  She used to hold her hand with her thumb in a certain position that she believed warded off attacks from the devil when she was around me.  She said she had to to keep herself safe.

Sh*t, I haven't thought about this stuff in years. 

Religion, rituals and BPD.  Total mind f*ck.

[Turkish]

So you were the victim of religious abuse as well.  So much for this.  Maybe they didn't read their Bibles enough:

James 1: 26Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I'm so sorry,  Harri. This is inexcusable.  

[Harri]

Thanks Turkish.  This just falls under the "being special" umbrella for me.  It hurts though and I can feel the rage welling up inside me.  Just thinking about the holy water bit... .she would be muttering under her breath, praying in tongues and I have no idea if it was real or she was faking the speaking in tongues part. 

As for the bible verse, I am quite sure she and her friends had read it.  The problem is my mother was crazy enough to believe she was doing the right things and that she was a good mother who did the best she could.  100% conviction on that. 

All her friends knew of me was filtered through her fears and dysfunction.  She was the victim with a kid who was possessed and was fighting like hell to save her child.  What is more loving and mothering than that?  To love a child who was evil and who scared her so much she had a gun to protect herself.  Such a noble and self-sacrificing thing to do. 

She is a woman.  She gave birth.  She is given the title of mother.  She is sacred.  She is to be respected and honored.  No mother would do this but even so, if she did she is still your mother and deserves respect and for her child to care for her.

I won't bother writing my reply to all of that BS as I think you can read between the lines.

I actually will be celebrating mothers day tomorrow by remembering what she was like and honoring myself for making it through and forgiving myself for being thankful that she is dead.

[Turkish]

Yes.  I can read between the lines,  including where you want to swear. So do I. For you,  if that helps. 

Someone once said,  "the truth will set you free." I hope you find that truth in your journey with the new T. I'm rooting for you. 

[Fie]

forgiving myself for being thankful that she is dead.

I do not think that there is a single person reading this who would think you need to be forgiven for that.