Feedback really appreciated. Should I look or not?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

If you all know I sent her a text message last night making my amends. I have her blocked on text messaging, facebook, and email because I'm committed to NC because I need to love myself again. But on g-mail all you can do is block someone so that the email goes into the spam folder. That's where I put her email address. Well I just went to check my emails for the night and I see at the bottom in the spam folder it is bold with a (1) next to it. I don't have any emails in spam. I never have. 99.9% it is from her. I don't want to look at it. I fear it will be something so dismissive, and cruel that it will hurt.

I'm not strong enough to look at it. I don't think I ever want to look at it. Honestly, I don't want to. A part of me feels like if I am committed to NC after I made my amends I can't look at it ever. Because if it's bad it might bait me into a reply where I am angry or hurt. 100% it is something like, "leave me alone already." Even if it was something so heartfelt and meaningful I know it would just open the door for me to be hurt again.

I sent that text as a way to get closure for myself. Is there anything wrong if I just never read it? Maybe years down the line, if ever? I am all about embracing my feelings and emotions. I have felt for so long now. I don't think I need to read it. There will be no closure. There will be no understanding. I can't win if I read it. Is that wrong to think that way?

[roberto516]

If you all know I sent her a text message last night making my amends. I have her blocked on text messaging, facebook, and email because I'm committed to NC because I need to love myself again. But on g-mail all you can do is block someone so that the email goes into the spam folder. That's where I put her email address. Well I just went to check my emails for the night and I see at the bottom in the spam folder it is bold with a (1) next to it. I don't have any emails in spam. I never have. 99.9% it is from her. I don't want to look at it. I fear it will be something so dismissive, and cruel that it will hurt.

I'm not strong enough to look at it. I don't think I ever want to look at it. Honestly, I don't want to. A part of me feels like if I am committed to NC after I made my amends I can't look at it ever. Because if it's bad it might bait me into a reply where I am angry or hurt. 100% it is something like, "leave me alone already." Even if it was something so heartfelt and meaningful I know it would just open the door for me to be hurt again.

I sent that text as a way to get closure for myself. Is there anything wrong if I just never read it? Maybe years down the line, if ever? I am all about embracing my feelings and emotions. I have felt for so long now. I don't think I need to read it. There will be no closure. There will be no understanding. I can't win if I read it. Is that wrong to think that way?

[Rayban]

Roberto

You last message to her was your closure. Don't let the guilt of not responding promptly get to you. The email is in spam for a reason.  Empty your spam box with knowing if it was or wasn't from her.

It might hurt in the short term, wondering what she wants, but in the long term satisfaction of having stuck to your guns will give you an enormous self esteem boost.

[roberto516]

That's what I need to do. No. It's what I want to do. I have closure now. I don't need to read it. But I can't delete it without opening the folder. So I'm going to bed. First thing tomorrow I'm going to ask a dear friend who is aware of the situation to go in and delete it. And I will tell that person to never tell me if it was from her or not. And they care enough about me that they will keep that promise. Thank you for reaffirming what I have to do. I feel better already.

[Panshekay]

I have been in your shoes with my dBrother... .I would delete every email he managed to get through to me, or tear up every letter he would send and flush it down the toilet. I can't tell you how good and freeing that felt!  By doing so I didn't have to address anything.  I didn't have to worry if what he said was hurtful, or a bunch of crap. Before getting so brave I remember one time getting a call from him where he told me the next time I got into my car I may want to look under it for my dead grandchildren. That was 15 years ago.  I have never regretted cutting him out of my life. I dont need that, no one does.  Once you have your friend delete it you will find a huge burden lifted from you.

[RomanticFool]

Roberto,

The whole reason we do NC is so we don't have to deal with their emotional chaos. Don't read it. Good, bad or indifferent it will hurt you. I was 5 weeks NC with my exBPD and three words from her triggered a week of pain and soul searching which ended with... .guess what?... .you got it - NO CONTACT. Save yourself the pain!

[doy]

i once had to delete my email account and make a new one, because of a similar situation... .in your shoes , i would not think twice and do that. also for future purposes.

[happendtome]

This is the song what somehow talks to me about BPD-s and about us

Lauri. Heavy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl_FO-_wb_I

They built you a cage of diamonds and gold
Most beautiful place for you to grow old
They brought you the moon and served you the lie
And all that you wanted was freedom to fly

It's heavy
But you are not the only one
Who's tired of giving
Afraid of the oblivion
Could it be that your curse is a bliss?
But the crown on your head never felt this heavy

Harness your rage, take a leap of faith
To claim back you soul before it's too late
Show them no fear, sing them goodbye
Leave all but you heart and you're free to fly

It's heavy
But you are not the only one
Who's tired of giving
Afraid of the oblivion
Could it be that your curse is a bliss?
But the weight of the world never felt this heavy

Take the evident leap of faith
Don't you be afraid

It's heavy
But you are not the only one
Who's tired of giving
Afraid of the oblivion
Could it be that your curse is a bliss?
But the cross that you bear never felt this heavy

You are not the only one
Who's tired of living
Afraid of the oblivion

Cause the crown on your head, the smile that you wear
The cross that you bear never felt this heavy
(But you are not the only one)
The crown on your head never felt this heavy

[roberto516]

Thanks everyone. From the bottom of my heart. When I woke up a part of me was nagging to look at it. And then I pulled myself back and thought "You've been listening to yourself during this whole ordeal, and look where it got you?" I read everyone's comments, and my friend was super awesome and deleted it for me without telling me whether it was from her or not. I feel more peaceful now. I made amends, and I can live with that. Recovery is about being selfish in a good way. And so I begin to heal.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad you've made it through this.

I was going to suggest you ask a friend to delete it for you, but you already figured that one out Anyhow, there's also a technology solution going forward:

Make a gmail filter specifically for emails from her, instead of just blocking her. (You may need the full computer web browser version for this; not sure you can do it on the mobile version or app) You can delete messages completely/automatically. You could also mark it read so you won't see that there is an unread message.

[doy]

i am so happy for you you did that. seriously. sometimes there is so much bravery in seemingly small things people do. this is one of them. it can make my day. chapeau !

[Panshekay]

I am thrilled you took everyone's advice. Now... .start your new life!  It may be minute by minute but you are doing it!  So happy for you! 

[roberto516]

Thanks everyone! The support here is amazing. I can't even recall how I stumbled onto this site late in January. But I've never met a more supportive group of strangers who care so much about one another. In a way, out of all this chaos and pain there is so much beauty that is springing forth

[lovenature]

There will be no closure. There will be no understanding. I can't win if I read it. Is that wrong to think that way?

No, this is exactly the way you should be thinking. PWBPD make up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, this goes for the past, present, and future. Sometimes they reach out YEARS later to see if an attachment is still in place.

Stay 100% NC, you need time away from the craziness to normalize and heal, even just reading something short they send you sets you back because your heart and mind don't forget what happened.

[Pretty Woman]

Roberto,
  Can you delete it without having to open it? That's what I would do.

I know exactly how you feel. When my relationship first ended every email was telling me how in love she was with my replacement and what an a-hole I was and that I deserved this. There was 0 empathy that I was in horrible pain and deep sadness while she took our puppy, and left me for the "deepest" love she's ever known.

After two weeks of knowing this person.

With my head clearer, two years later I can say all of it was ridiculous and immature. I can't believe I stayed with this individual for three years. if I got an email from her today I would not open it. At this point it would be to recycle, she's already slandered me to everyone on the planet.

Nothing good or healthy could come from reading that email.

Personally, I would delete it or have a close friend delete it if you feel you cannot.

Do what you think is best. If you have a feeling you will not be able to cope with what the email says, don't read it. You have a choice. Respect yourself. There is no wrong answer here. Do what's best for you.

 

[Harley Quinn]

Well done! I'm so thrilled that you got rid of it and had such resolve.  That's amazing.  Feel proud.  You are seriously strong.  Keep up the great work and look after number one!  The world is your oyster. 

Love and light x