I responded

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So my last post was the response I was going to send her to her email about how she is sorry she hurt me. How she will never forgive herself for that. How she was emotionally weak, and I was always there for her and that is why she reached out to me. How she should have known it would have led to me being hurt. I feel like the response she wanted was ":)on't hate yourself. I understand." Maybe as a way to keep us on good terms for a possible recycle?

Anyway, I sent an email back. And this is what I said. I first sent an email saying I would be her friend, and if she ever wanted to genuinely try I would consider it. But then I felt immensely pathetic and weak. So I immediately sent this to her.

"I'm sorry I can't. I'm too hurt. I don't need anymore pain in my life. I can't be your friend. I can't be your support. I can't give this another chance if you ever had different thoughts. I don't care if you want to work on it, and realize what you lost. I have to block you on everything. I know where we went wrong. And I did all that I could. I was always there for you. Even if I was mad at you I always put it aside, and let my love blossom instead of leaving. But no more. You weren't there for me. And honestly. I will never forgive you for that. It will stay with me the rest of my life. I don't accept your apology. You didn't mean for any of this. I believe that. But you could have tried for once. You didn't have to throw in the towel because it got difficult. You could have decided to try and put love in to just see what would have happened between us. The fact I didn't deserve any real effort when I had given up on life after my grandpop died shows me clear as day that there was never any love. And I didn't ask you to mind read. I flat out told you my feelings, and what I needed for support.

I spoke to a friend today who told me she was you before. She would always leave to protect herself from being hurt. She wouldn't talk to her partners. And she would always leave when she felt her fears of past relationships come up. She protected herself from pain; which caused her more pain. Now she finally let her walls down with someone. And she is in love with communicating her fears. And he is supportive, and wants her to talk about her fears about them. Which is what I always wanted from you. And she regrets letting someone else go because she wasn't able to talk to him. She's in love with someone else. But she told me she wishes she could have really tried with him. Because she let her true love go.

Now go find someone else. You're so beautiful, and funny.  Any guy would kill for you. I would have. I did. You can have your pick of the litter. You're lucky in that. But I deserve better. She won't be as beautiful as you. She won't be someone I feel so comfortable with. She won't understand my humor, and oddness. She won't ever have a phone full of videos showcasing my absolute insanity. But she will love me. And she will want to work on us when it gets hard. Which I will settle for.

I'll leave you with one positive memory. Remember when we first started dating and we were in the elevator together at work and one of the patients looked at us and said "You guys would make a cute couple." And we just laughed. But it takes a partnership. I can't have someone in my life who didn't love me enough to try. I wasn't worth it. And it's not something I ever need to beg for.

I'm not angry at you. This is my rational brain thinking. And my support has to go to people who love me, and will always be there for me. You got just about 2 years of undying love. 2 years ago this weekend is when I drove down the shore to spend time with you. And when I pulled up you were outside and you hugged me and said "Thank you for coming down". I would have driven to California to help you if you were stranded. I would have flown across the world to help you. I planned to let you retire early to pursue your real passions in life. I planned to buy a house, and pay the mortgage and bills myself so you could take your money and do whatever you wanted with it. But this was your choice. I hope it's the right one. I hope you find someone better. You will. You're a perfect 10. You can grab someone at a bar down the shore this weekend and have him adoring you within an hour.

But it won't be me. I will never forget. Goodbye. Thank you for the apology. But I won't accept it. I never will."

I know how this could be interpreted. That I shamed her. And a part of me did. I know that. But I didn't want to passively sit back, and throw out a peace offering to her. I shouldn't have responded to the apology. That's what I really wanted to do. But I felt like I needed her to know that she hurt me. Very badly. And that I won't ever forget it. That's all I got. Thanks for reading.

[roberto516]

So my last post was the response I was going to send her to her email about how she is sorry she hurt me. How she will never forgive herself for that. How she was emotionally weak, and I was always there for her and that is why she reached out to me. How she should have known it would have led to me being hurt. I feel like the response she wanted was ":)on't hate yourself. I understand." Maybe as a way to keep us on good terms for a possible recycle?

Anyway, I sent an email back. And this is what I said. I first sent an email saying I would be her friend, and if she ever wanted to genuinely try I would consider it. But then I felt immensely pathetic and weak. So I immediately sent this to her.

"I'm sorry I can't. I'm too hurt. I don't need anymore pain in my life. I can't be your friend. I can't be your support. I can't give this another chance if you ever had different thoughts. I don't care if you want to work on it, and realize what you lost. I have to block you on everything. I know where we went wrong. And I did all that I could. I was always there for you. Even if I was mad at you I always put it aside, and let my love blossom instead of leaving. But no more. You weren't there for me. And honestly. I will never forgive you for that. It will stay with me the rest of my life. I don't accept your apology. You didn't mean for any of this. I believe that. But you could have tried for once. You didn't have to throw in the towel because it got difficult. You could have decided to try and put love in to just see what would have happened between us. The fact I didn't deserve any real effort when I had given up on life after my grandpop died shows me clear as day that there was never any love. And I didn't ask you to mind read. I flat out told you my feelings, and what I needed for support.

I spoke to a friend today who told me she was you before. She would always leave to protect herself from being hurt. She wouldn't talk to her partners. And she would always leave when she felt her fears of past relationships come up. She protected herself from pain; which caused her more pain. Now she finally let her walls down with someone. And she is in love with communicating her fears. And he is supportive, and wants her to talk about her fears about them. Which is what I always wanted from you. And she regrets letting someone else go because she wasn't able to talk to him. She's in love with someone else. But she told me she wishes she could have really tried with him. Because she let her true love go.

Now go find someone else. You're so beautiful, and funny.  Any guy would kill for you. I would have. I did. You can have your pick of the litter. You're lucky in that. But I deserve better. She won't be as beautiful as you. She won't be someone I feel so comfortable with. She won't understand my humor, and oddness. She won't ever have a phone full of videos showcasing my absolute insanity. But she will love me. And she will want to work on us when it gets hard. Which I will settle for.

I'll leave you with one positive memory. Remember when we first started dating and we were in the elevator together at work and one of the patients looked at us and said "You guys would make a cute couple." And we just laughed. But it takes a partnership. I can't have someone in my life who didn't love me enough to try. I wasn't worth it. And it's not something I ever need to beg for.

I'm not angry at you. This is my rational brain thinking. And my support has to go to people who love me, and will always be there for me. You got just about 2 years of undying love. 2 years ago this weekend is when I drove down the shore to spend time with you. And when I pulled up you were outside and you hugged me and said "Thank you for coming down". I would have driven to California to help you if you were stranded. I would have flown across the world to help you. I planned to let you retire early to pursue your real passions in life. I planned to buy a house, and pay the mortgage and bills myself so you could take your money and do whatever you wanted with it. But this was your choice. I hope it's the right one. I hope you find someone better. You will. You're a perfect 10. You can grab someone at a bar down the shore this weekend and have him adoring you within an hour.

But it won't be me. I will never forget. Goodbye. Thank you for the apology. But I won't accept it. I never will."

I know how this could be interpreted. That I shamed her. And a part of me did. I know that. But I didn't want to passively sit back, and throw out a peace offering to her. I shouldn't have responded to the apology. That's what I really wanted to do. But I felt like I needed her to know that she hurt me. Very badly. And that I won't ever forget it. That's all I got. Thanks for reading.

[Idsrvt2]

You have my support.  One part of me wants to give you a high five for letting her have the cold truth and the other to warn you to brace for impact. 

It's all I have right now ... .

[asiyah93]

I hope this goes well for you, R. I had a similar set of email exchanges with my BPD person and it didn't end well. I am now in NC. I hope your ex reacts better.

[roberto516]

 Well I only see a couple things happening. One, she continues to "get help" however that looks for her and doesn't respond. As she is much more of the passive-aggressive waif I don't think I'll get a response. The only way I will get a response is if she needs me and her anxiety is too high at some point. Then she might reach out as she has done for the past 5 months. It's the only time she reaches out. When she needs something. Because I have always answered the call. Not anymore.

The other thing is she is probably expecting a follow up message at some point where I apologize. It's been our relationship MO. I always apologize. When she realizes I'm done, mixed with any fear of me finally having enough she might reach out.

Or she will hurry up and find a replacement already so I am a distant memory as she has a new supply.

But I'm not dwelling on that. I'm not doing this as a way to get a response. I wanted her to know, "yes you did hurt me. You are correct. This is how I feel about the situation." Basically telling her that I have finally had enough.

Regardless, what has happened is that I did what I felt I had to do to express myself one last time. She has to know that there is no "what if" anymore. I won't excuse her behavior. I know why she did it. I get the disorder. But I come first now in my life. And she had to know 100% how I feel about her, and about us.

I'll forgive her one day. I'm sure of it. But she will never know that. She doesn't need to. What she does need to know is that she hurt someone who loved her. I could go on and on about how she hurt me. But it's a mute issue. In 3 hours I'll make my 24 hour sobriety chip. And I'll be a very happy man.

Today I asked myself when I felt a little bad about it "Who do you love more? Yourself or her?" And I answered myself. I never posed the question to me. Who do I want to love now? It put clarity to the situation. And I'll remind myself of that.

[uncleowenrip]

I think your note is great. You lay out the situation for what it is and stand up for yourself. Good job. Stay strong and good luck.

[Stripey77]

Roberto... .

How do you know that your next partner, the one you're going to 'settle' for, isn't going to be as beautiful, more beautiful, or even the most beautiful partner you've ever had? How do you know that she won't understand your ways or make you feel as comfortable?

If you don't mind me saying so, you seem to be shooting yourself somewhat in the foot there, and that's your own insecurities coming out to play. I'd hate to be your next gf and to read what you wrote!

I know, of course, every one of us on this board has felt the same, I think... ."I'll never meet someone I have that connection with'. Or who's as good looking.   I share the exact same worries... .because he was the total package to me, beauty and intellect and personality, I think, how will ever find that again? It's a legitimate concern, and we might well have to shift (note I said shift, not lower) our expectations. Whilst I totally get it, I tell you what, I won't be telling my EX that the next time he attempts to talk to me (which he will.) I've given up with the love letter writing and the anguished texts etc. with him. He knows how I feel about him, but I will most certainly not be feeding the BPD monster by telling him in advance that anyone who comes after him won't be as special, or up to his mark! What an ego trip that would be! I'd almost be laying myself bare for a lifetime of recycle attempts because he would know that I had accepted less in his place.  As it is, he already knows that I've never stopped loving him, I think that's enough.

Now I want him to realise that it's a very real possibility that I'm going to take that love and give it to someone else... .but I don't intend to be 'settling', I intend to wait until someone better than him comes along. By default, I will have to be attracted to him to want to get naked with him, so the issue of the next partner not being as good looking should be null and void. He will be different, of course he will. But not, I sincerely hope, someone I've resigned myself to be being with because his other qualities outweigh the 'drop' in attractiveness or personal connection.

For me, no one can or ever will replace what I had with my ex. He has touched me deeply and changed the way I view the world forever.  I'm sure all of us here feel or felt the same. I actually don't want to replace him, because no one can even get close to what he was to me. But someone can get closer to me, and in a different way and that's what I'm working on making myself receptive to now.

I think we all need to be careful that we don't see our exes as THE one who got away and anyone else who comes after is going to be a poor 2nd... .although God knows many of us feel like that, me included.  Because by doing that, we are already 'putting out there' what we think we're worth... .i.e. less.  

We should be demanding, and expecting, and waiting for, more. As I say, different... .but more.

[Rayban]

Roberto

I've been following your relationship and the first thing that came to mind was actions speak louder then words.

You posted in another thread how after a yoga class, she introduced you as being a friend.  You also mentioned that she offered friendship, and I believe that you correctly concluded that at one point she would make you the perfect person to triangulate you with her new "love" interest. You would be painted as the guy who can't let go, and is stalking het.  She wants to create the aura of disireabilty.  She wants the new guy to believe that  ... .look I'm so fantastic that an ex is still pinning for me.


That being said, if putting everything on the line and expressing what you feel is liberating and helps in detaching then it's worth it. Don't get involved in playing games, cause a BPD will always be a willing participant.

I  believe that BPD's feed off a nons love.  They are addicted to it.  The fresher the better. In their world if someone loves them, then they must be worthy. It doesn't matter who is willing to love them. The problem is that it will never be enough. Once  they've secured it, they're off seeking that fresh love feeling. Might be somone new, or a recycle with an ex, just to relive that honeymoon  feeling.

Do they Love? I think they do, but it's in the moment.  Once it passes they are off chasing pokimans.

[Mutt]

Hi Roberto,

I know how this could be interpreted. That I shamed her. And a part of me did. I know that. But I didn't want to passively sit back, and throw out a peace offering to her. I shouldn't have responded to the apology. That's what I really wanted to do. But I felt like I needed her to know that she hurt me. Very badly. And that I won't ever forget it. That's all I got. Thanks for reading.

I agree that your letter says that you're hurt, I think it's too JADE'y, I also agree with Rayban, you're telegraphing that you're attached. I've read others describe detaching from a pwBPD like coming off drugs and alcohol, I think that's a fair assessment, it's tough but sending her messages while you're trying to come off drugs and alcohol is like planting a bottle of booze or a needle in front of you, do you need to tease yourself? I just think that you're making this harder on yourself. Validate those feelings but use these boards, don't message her and I agree, actions speak louder than words.

I detached from my ex, changed my responses, starting taking really good care of myself, I bulked up from excersising and that telegraphs to her that she was the problem after she left because without her, I got healthier, I did that with minimal contact, I showed results, mainly for me but some of it was to say "Hey, I'm a survivor, you can knock me down but I won't stay down"

In 3 hours I'll make my 24 hour sobriety chip. And I'll be a very happy man.

Bravo 

[happendtome]

Roberto, was your letter sincere? You have said here that you are angry to her and yet here, you are writing to her that you are not angry?

Next thing what you should ask from yourself is what if you would receive this kind of letter. What would you think? I know if i would receive it i would feel myself uncomfortable. So, was that your purpose? To make her feel uncomfortable and quilty?

I can understand why you did it, but i dont think it was a good idea. Thats why i stay no contact or low contact without any personal data shared. I feel much better after each day. I dont see her perfect anymore.
She gave me valuable lesson not to worship anyone. Relationships need to be equal not sacrifices.

[roberto516]

Roberto, was your letter sincere? You have said here that you are angry to her and yet here, you are writing to her that you are not angry?

Next thing what you should ask from yourself is what if you would receive this kind of letter. What would you think? I know if i would receive it i would feel myself uncomfortable. So, was that your purpose? To make her feel uncomfortable and quilty?

I can understand why you did it, but i dont think it was a good idea. Thats why i stay no contact or low contact without any personal data shared. I feel much better after each day. I dont see her perfect anymore.
She gave me valuable lesson not to worship anyone. Relationships need to be equal not sacrifices.

Honestly, I think I just wanted to let her know that what she was apologizing for was correct. And that she hurt me, and she should remember this when she begins to need my emotional support one day. I want her out of my life. I know I have control over that. But I just want her to move on to someone new so I'm not the go to. She always finds a way to get in touch with me (creates new email addresses, etc.). And I'm not in a place where I can move on from that right now.

I hope if she ever plans to reach out she can remember "No. He's hurt. I need to leave him alone."

And the letter was sincere. The email I sent before this one was me telling her I would always be available to help and would one day consider trying again was not sincere. It's why I immediately backtracked, and sent this. She has to know the door is shut. The locks to my heart have new keys so to say. I just want her gone. And I hope she takes this to her therapist and they create a plan so she does something else in emotional weakness instead of contacting me. That's the hope. I'm too weak to resist that right now. it will take years.

And I said the nicer things because they were sincere as well. My thoughts will change. I'm sure of that. But I wanted to draw a fine line between speaking from my heart, and not shaming her. She hates herself enough. If that gives her an ego boost then so be it. But it's not my concern. I did this for me. I wanted her to know that I have hit rock bottom in my pain. And I will accept no more from her.

[happendtome]

But I just want her to move on to someone new so I'm not the go to.

Be careful what you wish for, because i can tell you that this isnt so good as it may sound, if it happens too soon.
I thought the same way, but it came out as a nightmare for me. Problem is that i was still attached to her and it hurt me more than i could have thought.

But no doubt that this is hard for you. Thats why, you need to stop responding. Best response is no response in this case. Or really low contact. Dont say ever that you are there for her. At first, no one cant promise anything like that. And for second. Her life is not your problem. 

[Mutt]

Roberto,

There are only two things that you can control, your thoughts and feelings, you can't control her. Boundaries protect you, you don't set the boundary on her ":)on't come back to me because I won't recycle" you set the boundary on you. If she does X, I respond with Y.

[roberto516]

Roberto,

There are only two things that you can control, your thoughts and feelings, you can't control her. Boundaries protect you, you don't set the boundary on her ":)on't come back to me because I won't recycle" you set the boundary on you. If she does X, I respond with Y.

I do know this. It's something I learned many years ago. As Schopenhauer says, it becomes much more difficult when your will becomes involved in the situation. I just wanted to speak what I felt. Whether it was right or wrong. I have to move on. It's just hard. I want the thoughts to stop. I know they will. I just can't keep doing this anymore.

[Mutt]

I know it's hard, push yourself, it's not always going to be hard, it gets better.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey roberto, My suggestion: let go of the outcome.  Don't expect any particular response in return.  If you do hear from her, be ready for a letdown because it's not likely to be what you are hoping for.  Just the way it is with a PwBPD.  Detaching is painful, but it leads to greater happiness.  Time to move on, my friend.

LuckyJim

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Roberto-
I read your incredible letter, don't know your entire history and unfortunately don't have time to read the other responses so maybe someone else has said this already... .   and sometimes you just HAVE to say what you have to say... .

Beauty is only skin deep, and from the sound of it, her skin "ain't that deep"

You'll find someone more beautiful once your heart is ready, willing and able!  Don't allow her to be the measure of all woman.

[happendtome]

Dear Roberto-
I read your incredible letter, don't know your entire history and unfortunately don't have time to read the other responses so maybe someone else has said this already... .   and sometimes you just HAVE to say what you have to say... .

Beauty is only skin deep, and from the sound of it, her skin "ain't that deep"

You'll find someone more beautiful once your heart is ready, willing and able!  Don't allow her to be the measure of all woman.

I agree with that. It was a beautiful letter.

[roberto516]

I appreciate all the feedback and support. Even the stuff I didn't want to hear . But that's the only way we can grow. If I shut my mind off to what I don't want to hear then I'm not really growing am I? It is definitely time to detach. I don't want a response. I'm not expecting one. And if I ever got one it would only be something like "I need help."

It's true. Looking at the whole person she has no inner beauty or kindness. She did in the beginning. But that's the nature of this disorder isn't it? Once you are "hooked" and they know it the love stops.

If I ever decide to open my heart again it will be with someone who truly wants to see what's best for me, and they will put some work in just like I will put in. And they will communicate, and give just as much as they take. And that would be a beautiful thing. Regardless, I one day envision taking all these savings I was putting away for the both of us to go buy and RV, retire early, and travel the country with my army of dogs. And that won't be too bad. Not at all. 

[happendtome]

I didnt like either those people who told me to move on  In fact, i still dont like them (im not fully detached). What do you mean by "move on"? What do you know about "love"?... .
But im starting to realize that what they said wasnt so wrong.
I mean, what are my choices? I either decide to be miserable or try to discover what else life could offer to me. You see, theres really no choice. Because I dont want to be miserable.
And you know what? Early retirement and travelling around the country with your dogs isnt bad at all. That could be lot of fun actually, like you also said.

[HelenaHandbasket]

I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. 

I hope you will wait a while before you get involved with someone else. Right now you seem to have convinced yourself that no one could ever measure up to your ex, and that's very likely to make any woman you try to date in the near future very unlucky.  Roberto, you can't possibly know that you'll never meet someone as beautiful, or as understanding, or as in love with your quirks and sense of humor.  That's just impossible to know right now. But if you convince yourself that anyone who isn't this woman will be a step down, that you'll be "settling," then that's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  This points to a need for some time alone, to get stronger in your own skin and decide what it is you really want out of life.

Sending virtual hugs.  It gets better!