Feeling very confused, beaten down and like a failure

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

hi, I just got out of a 5-month relationship with someone I only recently discovered had a high functioning BPD with some narcism. I feel ashamed, I know it sounds crazy, but I keep thinking if I just had done everything perfectly or understood he had this problem sooner I could have made it work... .but the blame and criticism and rage attacks were so painful I didn't know what to do... .he tore me apart verbally and didn't want me to see my friends or leave, but acting like he couldn't stand me when I was around... .and it went from him treating me like a goddess to a devil... .I am wondering if there was something I could have done... or could do to make it work. I hate to give up on anyone, I'm not perfect... .but I'm afraid he was verbally abusing me and his rage was very scary... .again, wish I had understood the situation sooner, perhaps I could have found a way to set limits or done something... .I still love him deeply and wish there was a way to make it work. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Is it possible? He is super intelligent, charismatic and has a great outer side, but when we were alone, it could get really dark, like there was no way out of the blame when it started... .

[Esther71]

hi, I just got out of a 5-month relationship with someone I only recently discovered had a high functioning BPD with some narcism. I feel ashamed, I know it sounds crazy, but I keep thinking if I just had done everything perfectly or understood he had this problem sooner I could have made it work... .but the blame and criticism and rage attacks were so painful I didn't know what to do... .he tore me apart verbally and didn't want me to see my friends or leave, but acting like he couldn't stand me when I was around... .and it went from him treating me like a goddess to a devil... .I am wondering if there was something I could have done... or could do to make it work. I hate to give up on anyone, I'm not perfect... .but I'm afraid he was verbally abusing me and his rage was very scary... .again, wish I had understood the situation sooner, perhaps I could have found a way to set limits or done something... .I still love him deeply and wish there was a way to make it work. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Is it possible? He is super intelligent, charismatic and has a great outer side, but when we were alone, it could get really dark, like there was no way out of the blame when it started... .

[Stripey77]

Hi Esther, and welcome 


You're in the right place, welcome on board. Sorry to read of your experiences; sadly, just about every one of us here on this board went through a very similar experience to your own.  I suggest that you take some time out to read the articles and discussions on here; and if you do read other members' posts, you will see how extremely similar the threads are that run through all of our narratives.

I'll keep this brief; there are tools and lots of helpful information on this site, and probably others, for having less volatile experiences with our partners/exes. There are things we can do to 'lessen' the horrors at times, especially the more we get to know our exes. However, the very first thing you have absolutely GOT to tell yourself and really know it, and mean it, is that there is absolutely nothing, nothing  nothing you could have done to have prevented this happening. BPD is a serious emotional disorder that will always eventually show itself.  The only comfort you might like to take from your experience is that it seems (to my eyes anyway) that the closer we got to our BPD sufferer, the harder we were pushed away, the worse the treatment we received. This is one example where 'you always hurt the one you love'  really does ring true.

The illness was always always going to manifest itself if you are/were in a r/s with a sufferer, whether high or low functioning. This is in no way a reflection on you, it doesn't lessen you as a person, you did nothing wrong. Because if you did, then so every one of us on these boards must have 'done something wrong', and that's a whole lot of us!  You haven't imagined the things that happened to you, they did happen, but please start reading and if you like, posting, on here, and you will see that you are (very sadly) far from alone. Yes, we do know what you're talking about, many of us here have struggled with the same thoughts as you, and many of us still love our exes as well.

Nobody deserves to be subjected to 'the darkness', however much we love someone, just remember that. And once again, welcome.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Esther71,



I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship. It hurts so much to lose someone we love. I've been there and had some of the same questions that you have.   You've found great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through.

How long has it been since the breakup? Are you in contact with your ex.?

Things really do get better, Esther71. They have for me, and they can for you, too. Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[allienoah]

Ester I am very sad that you have joined our ranks of people suffering with someone with this disorder. Feeling like a failure on some level is something I have dealt with every single time my bfwBPD goes on a rage. I have been working so hard to build up my OWN self esteem and self worth to protect myself from all the second-guessing and "what if I were only better, more understanding, caring, blah-blah-blah". You know what? I am enough and I am a good person. However, today I feel like the dirt under his shoe. Short version of situation:
-I struggle to do something for myself. Make vacation plans with old friend whom I used to travel with before bf came along
-Bf rages that  I am insensitive and should be going with him-even though he can't take off now
_Bf rages that I shouldn't have told my friend who was traveling from another state to fly with me, that she could stay at my home. He felt it was my last night before trip and I needed to be with him. I had spent all week with him
-I go away, promising to stay in reasonable touch. I do so.
-I call exhausted to say goodnight and am yelled at for not wanting to stay on phone for hour. I am accused of acting like a single and probably going out after call
-I let him know gf is staying the night we get home as it will be later than we thought and she had a 3-hour drive home--RAGES again
-I am accused of all sorts of uncaring behavior, told not to contact him. I didn't
-upon landing find out my son-newly graduated from college-had 3 job interviews in city and came home to get ready and bring his dog home. He is moving back in with me next week.
-BF calls me, I answer and let him know about dog. He hangs up calling me names and discards me.
I was NOT going to send my old friend packing, I was NOT going to tell my son that he couldn't leave the dog home, and I was NOT going to tolerate any more of bf dysregulation. We are on ST as far as BF is concerned, NC as far as I am concerned.
What exactly did I do so horrible that I deserved the verbal onslaught?

[asiyah93]

I know exactly what you're talking about, Esther. I'm sorry you've experienced this. Please take care of yourself. He will try to come back and shake things up for you. You need to focus on your well-being and healing. I know we want to help, to express our empathy, but we can turn that inward. He's intelligent, he can google along how to help himself. You have to take care of yourself and not be his hero.

[Mutt]

Hi Esther71,  



I'd like to join the others and welcome you. You have a lot of advice so far and I just wanted to add something.

wish I had understood the situation sooner, perhaps I could have found a way to set limits or done something

We're not doctors, we can't diagnose a complex personality disorder like BPD. BPD has the most concurrent mental disorders than any other disorders, experts are not sure why, it can be difficult to diagnose BPD because of similiar traits found in other disorders. BPD often has an underlying clinical depression, and comorbid with mood disorders like BiP, ADHD, PTSD, there could be another personality disorder or more. Don't be hard on yourself

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Esther71, Let me echo Mutt and say Welcome!  I doubt there is anything you could have done that would have changed the outcome.  Sad to say, most relationships with a pwBPD are not built to last.  Don't beat yourself up!  We know, believe me, what you mean when you say that things could get "really dark."  My BPDxW was known as the unofficial mayor of our small town.  Little did people know what the "mayor" was really like behind closed doors.  You have come to the right place.

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Esther,

It's great you found the site.  This community has helped me so much.  If you can read the posts and articles on here you'll learn a lot of great information that will give you lots of perspective on the situation and help you to feel less confused whilst you deal with the aftermath of the craziness.  It is so hard for us to make sense of what's happened and it's natural to question everything.  I took a long hard look at myself after going NC and had the space to really assess what I'd experienced and my part in it all.  At first I felt responsible for everything and got very down on myself.  :)on't blame yourself for things going the way they did.  As others have said, this would always have presented itself.  Maybe it's better when it happens sooner rather than later, before having invested everything you have in trying to make it work and coming out with very little left of yourself.  

My ex was extreme and violent, however I still had all the same questions in my mind after it ended... .Could I have made it work, done more, tried harder, helped him better?  The answer I concluded is a resounding NO.  Because it takes two people to make a relationship work, and the same level of effort and commitment to that.  His behaviour was seriously abusive and destructive.  It didn't start that way (it doesn't) but once it got bad it only ever got worse.  He is not at the emotional level to take responsibility for his actions and to invest equally in a relationship.  Whilst I was asking myself all those searching questions, my ex was busy replacing me.  BPD is a serious condition.  It is not for us to fix.  One article I found extremely helpful towards putting things into perspective after the split is this:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It put to rest some of my hopes that eventually we might both heal and come back together... . I let go and recognised that he isn't healthy and isn't capable of being in a healthy relationship.  That isn't good for me.  I also recognised my addiction to him and the great things about him.  It could be all too easy to minimise the abuse because he's sick.  I don't allow myself to do that any more.  It's not OK to be treated that way by anyone ever.  

I know what's good for me now and am working hard with a lot of external support to really get to know the things that drive me into these types of relationships.  In my case there is a pattern in my life.  I recognise I have codependent traits and am pursuing psychotherapy to come to terms with the root causes and lay them to rest.  Currently I'm spending my time working towards goals in my life and surrounding myself with positive and inspirational people.  It will take time for all of us to heal and resolve the doubts and other residual feelings from our experiences, yet I truly believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  May sound nuts but I'm grateful for my experience, as awful as it was.  It put me on this path towards a brighter future.

Look after you now.  You deserve it.  Give yourself space to decide what it is that you truly want and whatever that is you'll have an amazing bunch of people on here to support you on your journey.

Love and light x

[lovenature]

Welcome Esther.

BPD is a very serious mental illness, the higher functioning a PWBPD is, the less likely they are to get the help they so desperately need.
The sad truth is that the harder we try to be what they want at all times, the more we accept, the closer we get, the more they hurt us in order to push us away because we trigger their fear of engulfment. They can't articulate any of this, it is just feelings to them, and to a PWBPD feelings=facts.

You're feelings are normal, remember that you aren't a failure, you were immersed with a serious mental illness running it's course. Professional therapists who treat PWBPD usually have a therapist of their own to keep them grounded in reality, puts things into perspective, yes?