Confirmation I was right to get out

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone,

As some will know from my other posts, my exBPDbf was physically abusive as well as emotionally.  When we were together he realised this was domestic abuse and seemed mortified.  I remember the day he came back from the library having researched the extent of domestic abuse and how it affects those who have it inflicted upon them.  We had earlier been at his doctors surgery and he had spotted a poster on the wall which he didn't mention but headed out afterwards for a 'walk'.
 He was white as a sheet when he returned and told me he wanted to stop this and needed to call someone. As I was already getting support from a domestic abuse service I had a number for men who were concerned about their violence towards their partners and passed it to him.  Immediately he was on the phone, talking openly in front of me about his concerns.  They gave him advice and suggested he contact a local rehabilitation programme for perpetrators, which, again immediately, he followed up with.  I was very impressed with his realisation and determination to change his behaviour.  After that point there were a further 3 subsequent calls between himself and the rehab people, with the view to getting a referral from the correct agency so that he could commence.  I also received a letter from them to inform me he had enquired and shown interest.  They stated that should he attend the course I would also receive support from the women's team alongside this.  I was filled with hope.

The behaviour in the meantime resurfaced and I was forced to ask him to leave a few weeks later.  Even in the early stages of our drawn out split, during LC, he was still determined that he would see this through.  I encouraged him to make contact with the centre and advise that he had a new number and contact address.  The excuses began then.  'Until I'm back in the area there's no point'... .maybe - however he could have remained in contact and notify them of his situation was my train of thought.  

Cut to the present.  Over 3 months NC and he has replaced me a few weeks ago (as far as I know - maybe had her lined up all along) which led me to be anxious about the safety of another.  I've worked through that now and know that it isn't my job to save every person on the planet.  I need to save myself.  Thought I was doing pretty well at that until the letter arrived yesterday.

Dear Harley Quinn,

I hope that all is well.  I am writing to inform you that your ex partner Mr ADHD Narcissistic pwBPD has decided not to attend the BTC course, which is a 40 week course for men who use abuse in their intimate relationships.  Since Mr Anon will not be attending the course, I am unable to offer you support from the women's support service.  Take care and stay safe.  Women's support worker.

I'm feeling everything all at once.  Sick, foolish, used, lied to... .in EVERYTHING he ever said to me (which is utterly heartbreaking as he said some of the most loving, kind and caring things I have ever had addressed to me), disrespected, unimportant, low, low, low, low and low.  It makes me feel as though all the wonderful things I believed that he said were all false and that is what hurts the most.  I guess even though things had gotten so bad and even though I know we will never be together again, I had hoped that I maybe earned a place in his heart and that he would honour me somehow in his life (ideally by doing the right thing in respect of this).  I had hoped he would live up to his promise just the once because he realised the importance of this to me, to himself and to anyone in his future.  He recognised the issue and now that we're no longer together he has backtracked and brushed it aside, effectively brushing any memory of me aside and that is sort of reflecting upon me how little I ever meant to him, or at least how little I mean to him now.  I feel like an idiot for still having love for him, for being the caring empathetic person I am, for spending so much of my time, energy and life force supporting and encouraging him in his treatment and for hoping all these things.  I feel foolish for all the times I defended him to others when in the end he has behaved exactly the way that any onlooker could have easily predicted.  If I were the friend or family member of someone in my shoes, I'd have seen it coming too.  

All that aside, I also feel relief.  I feel resigned to the fact that what has played out is typical and unsurprising, whilst saddened that my belief in him that he could be different, break the mould and actually motivate himself to change was misplaced.  I see now that I have a history of 'backing the wrong horse' so shouldn't feel so destroyed when yet again I'm disappointed at the outcome.  Nobody will change their behaviour or attitude unless they truly want to for themselves.  Still, I feel release from any hope I might have been hanging onto.  I feel lucky and glad that I did get out when I did, rather than all this ending many years in the future, only for things to have gone the same way and losing myself altogether in the process.  This letter, whilst painful to read, is all the proof I need that I made the right decision.  Finally, this has given me the resolve to move forwards knowing that we were not meant to be and as scary as it is, the world is my oyster.  I am giving myself permission to focus entirely on myself and my gorgeous son, to give us the future we both deserve and to be the best me I can be.  I feel free.

Love and light x

    

[Harley Quinn]

Hi everyone,

As some will know from my other posts, my exBPDbf was physically abusive as well as emotionally.  When we were together he realised this was domestic abuse and seemed mortified.  I remember the day he came back from the library having researched the extent of domestic abuse and how it affects those who have it inflicted upon them.  We had earlier been at his doctors surgery and he had spotted a poster on the wall which he didn't mention but headed out afterwards for a 'walk'.
 He was white as a sheet when he returned and told me he wanted to stop this and needed to call someone. As I was already getting support from a domestic abuse service I had a number for men who were concerned about their violence towards their partners and passed it to him.  Immediately he was on the phone, talking openly in front of me about his concerns.  They gave him advice and suggested he contact a local rehabilitation programme for perpetrators, which, again immediately, he followed up with.  I was very impressed with his realisation and determination to change his behaviour.  After that point there were a further 3 subsequent calls between himself and the rehab people, with the view to getting a referral from the correct agency so that he could commence.  I also received a letter from them to inform me he had enquired and shown interest.  They stated that should he attend the course I would also receive support from the women's team alongside this.  I was filled with hope.

The behaviour in the meantime resurfaced and I was forced to ask him to leave a few weeks later.  Even in the early stages of our drawn out split, during LC, he was still determined that he would see this through.  I encouraged him to make contact with the centre and advise that he had a new number and contact address.  The excuses began then.  'Until I'm back in the area there's no point'... .maybe - however he could have remained in contact and notify them of his situation was my train of thought.  

Cut to the present.  Over 3 months NC and he has replaced me a few weeks ago (as far as I know - maybe had her lined up all along) which led me to be anxious about the safety of another.  I've worked through that now and know that it isn't my job to save every person on the planet.  I need to save myself.  Thought I was doing pretty well at that until the letter arrived yesterday.

Dear Harley Quinn,

I hope that all is well.  I am writing to inform you that your ex partner Mr ADHD Narcissistic pwBPD has decided not to attend the BTC course, which is a 40 week course for men who use abuse in their intimate relationships.  Since Mr Anon will not be attending the course, I am unable to offer you support from the women's support service.  Take care and stay safe.  Women's support worker.

I'm feeling everything all at once.  Sick, foolish, used, lied to... .in EVERYTHING he ever said to me (which is utterly heartbreaking as he said some of the most loving, kind and caring things I have ever had addressed to me), disrespected, unimportant, low, low, low, low and low.  It makes me feel as though all the wonderful things I believed that he said were all false and that is what hurts the most.  I guess even though things had gotten so bad and even though I know we will never be together again, I had hoped that I maybe earned a place in his heart and that he would honour me somehow in his life (ideally by doing the right thing in respect of this).  I had hoped he would live up to his promise just the once because he realised the importance of this to me, to himself and to anyone in his future.  He recognised the issue and now that we're no longer together he has backtracked and brushed it aside, effectively brushing any memory of me aside and that is sort of reflecting upon me how little I ever meant to him, or at least how little I mean to him now.  I feel like an idiot for still having love for him, for being the caring empathetic person I am, for spending so much of my time, energy and life force supporting and encouraging him in his treatment and for hoping all these things.  I feel foolish for all the times I defended him to others when in the end he has behaved exactly the way that any onlooker could have easily predicted.  If I were the friend or family member of someone in my shoes, I'd have seen it coming too.  

All that aside, I also feel relief.  I feel resigned to the fact that what has played out is typical and unsurprising, whilst saddened that my belief in him that he could be different, break the mould and actually motivate himself to change was misplaced.  I see now that I have a history of 'backing the wrong horse' so shouldn't feel so destroyed when yet again I'm disappointed at the outcome.  Nobody will change their behaviour or attitude unless they truly want to for themselves.  Still, I feel release from any hope I might have been hanging onto.  I feel lucky and glad that I did get out when I did, rather than all this ending many years in the future, only for things to have gone the same way and losing myself altogether in the process.  This letter, whilst painful to read, is all the proof I need that I made the right decision.  Finally, this has given me the resolve to move forwards knowing that we were not meant to be and as scary as it is, the world is my oyster.  I am giving myself permission to focus entirely on myself and my gorgeous son, to give us the future we both deserve and to be the best me I can be.  I feel free.

Love and light x

    

[RomanticFool]

Hi Harley Quinn,

I am sorry for your anguish regarding this abusive relationship. That sounds like a situation that you have done extremely well to get out of. I have encountered men who have been violent towards women and they all have something in common, an inability to examine their own behaviour and take the necessary steps to change. There is often guilt and remorse after a violent episode in order to get back in the good books of the victim, and then it all starts again. It is about power and control. The drama surrounding abusive relationships can often be addictive in nature and I know in my r/s with my exBPD all the emotional chaos made me feel alive. It's only now with distance I can see how dysfunctional it all was.

I am so glad for your sake and the sake of your child that you are out of that situation. I am a little appalled that the women's support service didn't see fit to offer you support anyway, regardless of what your ex was doing. Don't feel bad about defending your ex as they often manipulate your feelings and isolate you from your family and friends so that you feel they are all that is important in the world and you must be loyal.

The world is indeed your oyster. I hope through this forum you are able to look at your own co-dependency issues and recognise why you keep 'backing the wrong horse.'

You seem like a wonderful person Harley. I am sure there is a decent human being out there for you.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks RF for your reply.  Everything you say is true and don't worry, I am getting support (although you can't have too much!) from the local domestic abuse service and attending a 12 week recovery programme at present.  We talk a lot about everything you've mentioned.  You clearly know your stuff when it comes to this topic.  I'm also on a waiting list for long term counselling and have been for my first psych evaluation to explore any PD traits or fleas and the codependency.  I insisted upon this.  I do think it's possible I've had Stockholm Syndrome and may be experiencing some degree of PTSD with the anxiety attacks and nightmares. 

I'll take every avenue available to me in order to deal with the roots of my issues and move past them.  My previous counsellor was agreeable that I'd make a good candidate for the specialist psychotherapy service when I requested this, on the proviso that I get through a few months without any further crises.  I'm feeling really positive about this and can't wait to get started.  The funny thing is that deep down I've always recognised that I have these codependent traits (my mum used to say I always take in waifs and strays, patch them up and send them on their way) and wanted to address this.  I take a keen interest in all aspects of personal growth, regularly taking masterclasses and have heaps of content from Mindvalley (highly recommend for anyone who is also of the same thinking), studied A level psychology and have qualifications in NLP.  I guess life takes over the desire to take time out for myself by getting the professional help but this BPD relationship has been the tipping point for me and I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  So as much as it has been an awful experience I still feel blessed for it.  It has brought me to a place of readiness and I have the determination now to secure the therapy and see it through.  No more will I prioritise other things above my own mental and emotional well being.  That's a hard thing for me to say but finally I actually mean it!

Thanks so much for your kind words.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Wow.  Afterthought.  I just got through a whole (somewhat self absorbed) post without mentioning 'hewhoshallnotbenamed' once.  That is serious progress!

Proud am I.

Love and light x

[RomanticFool]

Here's the thing. In time everything just gets less. The addictive feelings, the lust, the yearning, the fear - the sound just turns down gradually in time. If we look after ourselves and keep a healthy mind, body and spirit then we can turn a negative relationship into a valuable life lesson.

However, in my case, i have repeatedly followed the same path. Go after women I am strongly addicted to who are always unavailable and then embroil myself in a r/s with somebody often emotionally unavailable or who I have nothing in common with and eventually end up bored.

My life's work has been to try to get into a r/s with somebody who is not messed up but doesn't leave me feeling empty and bored. In fact, it seems this is the life work of most people in the world.

I don't know what the answer is but I know it isn't 'hewhoshallnotbenamed' and 'shewhoshallnotspeaktome!'

RF