Medium Chill worked for 4 years, but now...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, it's good to meet you. My sister is uBPD. 

After our father died (suicide) and I had my first child 6 years ago, our relationship became extremely dicey. Her negativity and criticism of me, my lifestyle, and people I care about caused me so much stress on top of the stress of my rough transition to motherhood.  After she blew up at me 4 years ago, calling me selfish, a disappointment, saying she "never raised me to be this selfish" (raised me?  she's not my mother, she's my sister!) I decided in my heart I needed to protect myself against further abuse.  She's actually the one who told me our relationship was over at that time, although I think she's forgotten that whole conversation.  I went into MC (medium chill) mode at that point, keeping her at arm's length, politely declining requests, being cordial but asking and revealing nothing.  You guys, it worked soo well.  This past 4 years has been so freeing.  I've discovered so much about myself, have actually set some big goals and dreams, and no longer live with intense guilt and stress. 

However, 2 days ago, my sister asked me a favor, and I very politely declined, as I usually do.  She texted back the most terrible, horrible insults.  Worse than ever before.  I was surprised, since I thought I was staying off her radar for the most part. 

I wrote back using the S.E.T. format.  I stated the truth- that I do not let people speak to me like that, and I cannot be in a close relationship with a person who attacks me or my family.   She wrote back apologizing for the cussing, but then went on to repeat every single insult in different words and minus the cursing.  I refused to read any following messages, and had my husband delete them all so I wouldn't be tempted.

Does this mean I need to go NC?  When MC no longer works, is NC the only solution?  I can't handle the headaches, the body pain, and the stress that her tirades cause me.  It seems to get worse each time she rages.  It affects me on so many levels, including my ability to be fully present for my kids. Yet I don't feel ready to go NC, mostly because it will impact the whole family so much.  I think MC was the perfect balance of emotional distance while still being able to be cordial at family functions.

MC brought me the space I needed to grow, heal from my dad's death, parent my kids without worrying about her opinion, and discover so many dreams and talents within me that I never knew.  In short, it meant freedom.  Just unsure where to go from here.  Thank you!

[k-bliss]

Hi all, it's good to meet you. My sister is uBPD. 

After our father died (suicide) and I had my first child 6 years ago, our relationship became extremely dicey. Her negativity and criticism of me, my lifestyle, and people I care about caused me so much stress on top of the stress of my rough transition to motherhood.  After she blew up at me 4 years ago, calling me selfish, a disappointment, saying she "never raised me to be this selfish" (raised me?  she's not my mother, she's my sister!) I decided in my heart I needed to protect myself against further abuse.  She's actually the one who told me our relationship was over at that time, although I think she's forgotten that whole conversation.  I went into MC (medium chill) mode at that point, keeping her at arm's length, politely declining requests, being cordial but asking and revealing nothing.  You guys, it worked soo well.  This past 4 years has been so freeing.  I've discovered so much about myself, have actually set some big goals and dreams, and no longer live with intense guilt and stress. 

However, 2 days ago, my sister asked me a favor, and I very politely declined, as I usually do.  She texted back the most terrible, horrible insults.  Worse than ever before.  I was surprised, since I thought I was staying off her radar for the most part. 

I wrote back using the S.E.T. format.  I stated the truth- that I do not let people speak to me like that, and I cannot be in a close relationship with a person who attacks me or my family.   She wrote back apologizing for the cussing, but then went on to repeat every single insult in different words and minus the cursing.  I refused to read any following messages, and had my husband delete them all so I wouldn't be tempted.

Does this mean I need to go NC?  When MC no longer works, is NC the only solution?  I can't handle the headaches, the body pain, and the stress that her tirades cause me.  It seems to get worse each time she rages.  It affects me on so many levels, including my ability to be fully present for my kids. Yet I don't feel ready to go NC, mostly because it will impact the whole family so much.  I think MC was the perfect balance of emotional distance while still being able to be cordial at family functions.

MC brought me the space I needed to grow, heal from my dad's death, parent my kids without worrying about her opinion, and discover so many dreams and talents within me that I never knew.  In short, it meant freedom.  Just unsure where to go from here.  Thank you!

[Panda39]

Hi k-bliss,

Sorry to hear that you had to listen to all that negative stuff 

You don't need to go no contact unless you want to, there are no rules about what your boundaries should be only what helps you stay in a comfortable place.

IMO your sister was probably dysregulated by something going on in her life and took it out on you or she could have been testing your boundaries... .which you held beautifully I might add 

I would wait and see if a pattern is emerging or if this was just a good 4 years of MC punctuated by one bad event and things go back to status quo.  If the negative stuff start escalating regularly then re-evaluate what you want to do.

Panda39

[Harri]

hi K-bliss.  It must be difficult to realize that what has worked in the past seems not quite as effective now.  Change is hard enough and then to add uBPD to it?  Ugh.

You ask if NC is now the only option.  I don't think it is though it certainly is a choice.  Using MC, NC, or LC (limited contact) can change over time.  No choice is set in stone so you still get to decide.

Now, the way you describe MC sounds more like LC (limited contact) to me.  You were setting and maintaining boundaries, responding rather than reacting, limiting interactions, using other tools like SET.  Most importantly, it sounds like you were working on yourself by regulating emotions, not walking on eggshells, etc.  all of that sounds more like LC to me.  Often people will use MC and it only serves to mask and hide the emotional responses we may have and sometimes the behaviors we engage in while doing MC can be passive-aggressive.  None of that seems to apply in your case.

So having said all that, it *may* be that your MC/LC needs a bit of tweaking as you may still have some emotional wounds that need to be dealt with given your reaction to your sisters latest blow up.

Or it is likely that your sister just had a very off day.  They will happen whether in MC or LC.  It does not necessarily mean that you have to change things at your end. 

So take this as an opportunity to work on yourself some more and to shore up your LC/MC skills.

what do you think?