New to the site, need help.

[WindofChange]

I'm a woman in my 40s who is engaged to a man who has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression.  His therapist also thinks he may be bipolar.  After being involved with him for 5 years, I am convinced he has moderate to severe BPD. He suffered severe sexual and physical abuse as a child, his mother wasn't in his life, father and stepmother were horribly abusive.  I have tried really hard to be supportive, to understand and educate myself, but I am not sure I can take it any more.  Now he's going through a depression, and keeps calling in sick to work.  I don't make enough to support both of us, and I am feeling really resentful about this.  We have been through many intense emotional arguments, and when I've threatened to end things, he has threatened suicide.  When extremely upset, he bangs his head on the wall.  This has, over time, resulted in a visible hard bump in the top of his forehead.  I feel like I can't talk to my friends or family about this because they will just tell me to leave him.  I just started counseling for myself two weeks ago, but I'm not sure what to do for the next five days until my next appointment.  All of this stress is really getting to me. So um, hi. That's my current situation.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  Wind of Change:    
Welcoming to the Community!

I'm sorry about the problems you are having with your fiance and for his struggles.

I'm a woman in my 40s who is engaged to a man who has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression.  His therapist also thinks he may be bipolar.

The diagnosis can be a bit subjective.  One professional might attach the label of BPD, but an earlier or later source may use PTSD.  In addition to abuse being a cause, there can be some genetic component in play.  

You indicate his mom wasn't in his life.  Could she have had BPD or some other mental disorder (s)?

When I've threatened to end things, he has threatened suicide.

Threatening suicide to coerce someone to do, or not do something is a form or abuse.  The information below would be helpful for you to read.  The first two links below lead to two articles that address the issue of manipulation by suicide threats.  You might want to read it over and then discuss it with your therapist.  Some suggested replies are referenced.

WHEN YOU ARE MANIPULATED BY SUICIDE THREATS

WHEN SOMEONE THREATENS SUICIDE

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS

The Safety First link below will help you with a Safety Plan to prepare for suicidal situations:

SAFETY FIRST

Now he's going through a depression, and keeps calling in sick to work.  When extremely upset, he bangs his head on the wall.  This has, over time, resulted in a visible hard bump in the top of his forehead.  

Is he taking some meds for his conditions (perhaps seeing a psychiatrist, in addition to a therapist)?  Has his depression been successfully managed in the past?  The head banging sounds rather alarming, especially with a lasting bump on his head.  Has he had that evaluated (possible concussions?).

Over the 5-year period, how often has he been this depressed (and not going to work)?  I can understand how you would think twice about getting married.  He might not be able to be the wage earner in the family and could require a lot of care taking.  On one hand, you may feel guilty and obligated to stay. but on the other hand, you are still a young woman with a lot of life to live.  It's one thing to already be married to someone,  but courtships are for the purpose of determining if a marriage is right for you.

Check out the above links.  Perhaps you might want to discuss the material during you upcoming therapy appointment.  There are some links to lessons in the right-hand margin, that can help with better communication.  

I hope your therapist can help lead you through these troubling times and to make the right decision for you and your future.

Take care.